The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working on my 4th step which given I have been here 2/3 years is something. I am really finding it hard going as I'm now aware how much my people pleasing cost me and what a set up it was for me.
I feel pretty raw about it.
I also feel kind of stuck where I am. I am not making enough money and in theory would be better off unemployed but I can't become unemployed without being laid off!
I don't like where I live, am lonely, feel better physically but have such huge obstacles in front of me that I sometimes don't even know how to chip at them.
I know making a fourth step will help as will really forgiving myself for having stayed with the A for 7 years. I know that is coming and that will help but right now the rawness is awful.
I'm so aware of my people pleasing, love bombing, fear and more. I feel like one huge walking charactor defect. Everything I thought was good, like being over involved, over identifying and more has led me to right here and of course I don't like right here.
I can see why I stayed so many years in its "all him" because this is very painful.
One of the guidelines for doing a 4th is make sure to be gentle with yourself. If you tend to beat up on yourself...put it away until you have some self acceptance in your toolbox. It's about good...and...bad (moral) not only about bad so be careful. This is about investigation not an inquisition. Maresie is a good person, a child of God (if you believe in God) and a human being...not perfect and certainly loveable.
I've done 6 indepth 4ths and it was suggested that maybe I do another because of recent characteristics that are not tools of recovery. I've started the investigation again, unafraid and with more awareness and experience than before. I feel very confident.
Good luck on your 4th it's the best work we can ever do.
Congratulations for working your 4th step. I was terrified to start mine. I didn't want to see my part either ...until I learned it wasn't in hopes of continuing the abuse and guilt, anger and fear or depression. It is to step by step walk me through to find my strengths and embrace them. I had to learn to forgive myself and learn I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. This awareness process moves at exactly the right pace for each of us. Even the tears are healing. Know it's not uncommon to feel emotionally exhausted in the beginning. Keep up the good work, if you feel stuck ask your sponsor for feed back. Once written down on paper, your mind is able to sort through the things you've stuck deep down. I promise it gets better. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you don't have to do this alone. Remember to use your HALT through this time never allowing yourself to get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired. Baby steps...do one question at a time if you must. You are worth it.
