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Hi everyone! I am so happy to have found this board. I have been reading the posts and I don't feel alone anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this. My husband is an addict. Mainly alcohol and rx pain pills, but what I'm learning is that he will abuse anything he can get his hands on. Of course when we met, I didn't realize he was like that. Yes, he drank, but we were just having fun. Little did I know. Anyway, the last 15 months have been a total living hell for me and our 6 year old daughter. There were times when he would take 20 vicodin, 14 valium and a 12 pack of beer and get so crazy I wouldn't know what to do. He does stuff like tell me to leave, packs my things and then when I go to drive away he threatens me and tells me that I'm the one who is breaking our family apart. He tells me if I would just learn to keep my mouth shut he wouldn't get like that. He says he can't stand the sight of me one minute and the next minute when he sobers up he loves me and he is sorry. I always tell him if he doesn't stop I am leaving. Last december I meant it and he agreed to go to rehab. I was so happy. I really thought this was it. He was there for 3 months and when he came home he was wonderful. He was going to meetings all the time, had a sponsor and was working the steps. I let him know when he came home that if he did decide to drink/use again, there would be consequenses-- I would leave with our daughter and also because we live with his grandparents, he would not be allowed to stay in her home. I had been going to counseling, and I was certain that I was in a much better place and I would no longer tolerate anything from him. Well, here I am 3 months later and the same thing is happening again. No, it's not as bad as it was, but I know it will be. After an episode a couple days ago, he is being as nice as can be and telling me he just fell off track and that it will never happen again. He is taking full responsibility and he is so sorry for the way he acted and the horrible things he said to me. The thing is that I don't buy it and I want to leave. I have a place to go and my parents are just waiting for me. But once again, my fear is taking over. All I think of is how my daughter is going to miss all her friends, her school, soccer, etc... I will be taking her to a different state, and I am scared. I know in the long run things will be better for her. She doesn't deserve all the craziness! But even though daddy is crazy sometimes I know she loves him. I know I am powerless over his addiction. I can't try to fix him anymore. I know it's not my fault--I use to blame myself and I used to take it as a personal attack but now I know better. I keep saying just one more time...well that time has come and I'm still sitting here. Words of courage or advice would be greatly appreciated. I am going to a meeting tomorrow morning and hoping to find a sponsor. I have isolated myself and have noone and my world seems to get smaller and smaller by the day, so I am really looking forward to going tomorrow! thanks for letting me vent. I look forward to getting to know everyone here.
Hi Julie, and welcome to MIP.... Tough situation you describe, for sure, as you promised that there "would be consequences", so I would encourage you to at least follow through on that one.... Now, of course, these consequences are somewhat at your discretion - and your A is claiming to be "just one slip", so maybe his consequence should be that he has to write out and commit to a recovery plan so that this behavior won't be repeated, or something along those lines....
You have every right to have your radar on "high" right now, for the safety and sake of both yourself and your daughter.... I would encourage you to read the "Getting Them Sober" books, particularly volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews..... I found it helped me a lot....
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, J, I have learned living with an A for 26 years that , whatever decision you make, whether you leave or stay is because YOU want to make a new life for you and your daughter and you no longer want chemicals in your enviornment, not because you think if you leave your husband will stop doing what he is doing. It might work for awhile but ultimately the addict has to want to stop on his or her own. It is possible to create a great life for you and your daughter while still living with your husband. Children seem to accept a sick parent, better than adults accept a sick spouse, parent , etc. , keeping in mind the ultimate goal of being independent of the addicted spouse, especially financially. We all have choices in our life, we have to be careful of our motives and never make a decision while your in an emotional state. Being with an addicted spouse is not an easy path. Keep coming back to Alanon and try to go to a meeting and read as much of Alanon literature as you can, my prayers are with you, Bettina
I also welcome you to this forum MIP. Together we are all recovering in our own ways from the effects of the disease of addiction. I see that you have done your homework and are willing to get honest and take suggestions... that is great!! cause you don't seem to have an over abundance of fear blocking you from facing this thing, your part in it and the changes necessary to attain peace of mind and serenity. I see that as remarkable considering my ownn personal resistance to it all when I first got here.
This program works, really works if you work it and there are many spectacular miracles for those who want them and come here to get them. I come to watch the miracles and get some of my own from time to time. HP is real and HP is generous...my experience.
This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling beyond description and relapse after detox and time in recovery is an example of it. The alcoholic/addict will struggle with staying clean and sober the entire time they are in recovery and that is the nature of the disease...it is progressive and will continue to grow whether the alcoholic/addict is drinking and using or not. The return of the insanity is instantaneous and at a higher lever than when left off. How this disease works is beyond belief and the numbers of people it takes with it as it travels is beyond imagination. It takes a Power Greater than ourselves to be more cunning powerful and baffling than the disease and I wish that for you and your husband and daughter and your entire families because they have been touched also. I was born and raised in the disease and know that it held two generations before I became aware of it then my own generation and one of my own children and three grandchildren for certain.
Before making future decisions I suggest that you follow thru on the one you made for now...go to the meeting. Don't react to what is happening, slow down and just focus on the one thing you don't know much about yet... the spiritual based twelve steps/twelve traditions programs of the Al-Anon Family Groups who got their steps and traditions from AA. You and your addict/alcoholic spouse will start to have something in common and that's a real start. You gotta give it time. You and your husband didn't get this way overnight and it won't get better overnight for sure. Take some time...give yourself 90 days of program and then if you find that the answers for you are not here you can try something or someone of somewhere else. This is a purely voluntary recovery program that is free of charge. You get out of it what you put into to it and many people get miracles out of it.
Welcome, it's good to have you. Please take advantage of the message board and face to face meetings. They will have literature there that you can use daily that continues answering all of your questions. Find someone you trust in the meetings and pick them to be your sponsor so they can share their wisdom with you. Everything you've mentioned is common when living with an alcoholic and or addict. You are not alone. Know you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, nor can you control it. Sadly this disease he has without does steal thehealth,life, money, trust,ability to care and sanity of those who live in it with them. Take all the help you can get to find answers on how to love this person. More importantly, how to love yourself and your own daughter enough to stop the insanity from turning your world and her world into a broken home. We're here to help. Your experience is what many of us have faced. Welcome home, ask question...there is hope.
*hugs if that's ok, soft smiles otherwise* i was crying as i read your post, because my A acts the same way, even though he hasn't touched drink or drug for over 20 years. he isn't my daughters biological father, but our family unit is tight enough so that she accepts him as her father. this disease frankly scares the hell out of me sometimes, at other times i feel competent enough to handle it because i post here, i read a lot about the disease, i've been to chat meetings here, i have Al-Anon literature and also CodA literature (they have great stuff about relationships and personal affirmations). but then when we're in the middle of his "crisis mode" all that falls by the wayside and i can only pray for guidance and solace.
it really does help to talk here, as well as in the chat meeting. face-to-face would be even better, i've heard that there's a lot of friendship and acceptance in Al-Anon and if you're both "in recovery" perhaps it might bring you closer. always take care of yourself and your babe first, even if it seems very scary to do so. peace!
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
While I know you are confused about the things that are happening to you please remember that when you became a mother you made a promise to protect your child. She doesn't have any choices at this point and the things she is seeing hearing etc. may be very confusing and even scary to her. I am the mother of two young girls and although i loved my AH more than i can tell you, i knew that the right decision was to leave for my daughters. I am not saying i don't struggle with that decision. Sometimes i tell myself that we will be back together again when they are grown. But to see my daughters happy and secure and to know that I was the one strong enough to leave, i can't tell you how proud that makes me of myself. If you always think of your daughter first, then it will lead you to where you need to be. good luck!
Thanks!!!! I went to my first f2f meeting on Saturday and it was great!! I felt so much better. I know that I am going to end up leaving. It is just a question of when. I am trying to get stuff taken care of right now because I plan on going to a different state. Right now A is being wonderful. But, I know it's only temporary and I have to keep moving forward with my plans. I agree that it is my job to protect my child. I feel like a horrible parent already for everything she has seen/heard. I do know that it will be really hard for her, but it is for the best. I will keep going to meetings and coming to the board for support. Right now, it is about me!! It feels so good to say that.
