The material presented
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level.
i guess i should spell out the situation a little bit first. i live in public housing, fairly nice actually, but we do have problems. there has been a guy about 20 hanging around here - after a trespassing charge and restraining order - he's preyed on ateenage girl in the building before, and the rumor is that he's been sleeping in an empty storage unit right next to my apartment. i have a child to worry about, so i was concerned when i heard from my A-boyfriend about this guy squatting here! there was also a broken beer bottle on my back porch one day, i believe it maybe that guy that did it?i anyway, i called the security company and learned they'd been dismissed that day, unfortunately. i wanted to call the police, but my A convinced me it'd only cause retaliation on me, my apartment, my child, or perhaps even his vehicle. he convinced me the guy was moving on. i don't know why, but i believed my A.
so when i heard directly from another resident tonight that the guy is definitely now "living" in the storage unit, i went right out there to LOOK! sure enough, the bag my A said was" just garbage" turned out to be full of pillows, blankets and clothing. there's even some broken furniture in the unit, as if the guy is setting up housekeeping, and the unit reeks of body odor
i again debated, call housing first, or the police, or both? my A kept arguing on the side of the guy, saying he won't be around, he'll leave, he's already left, etc. but giving me no concrete facts. so i called housing and left a message with all the details, and i'll be calling housing again tomorrow to be sure they follow up on it - at the very least i want a lock put on that storage unit. i don't think i'm being unreasonable! but after my A lambasting me about it for a while, i feel like i'm the crazy one, you know?? when we argue, he calls me a drama queen, then says i never stick up for myself. then says i never get off my lazy eff'ing a**. then he apologizes, kind of. the truth is, i do stick up for myself, especially with him, which causes 99% of the disagreements we have.
what is leaving me feeling awful is that today, we had such a nice day together! conversing, really talking, and he reaffirmed his commitment to me, how much we get along, how much love we have, how alike we are, how it really all is worth it no matter what troubles we have. he was even making plans for the future like getting his back fixed, working, and getting us out of housing. everything was fine until tonight when i wanted to call and report the storage unit incident. then he got very dimissive and argumentative with me, making funny "pfffft" snorting noises over and over at me.
finally he said he didn't want to talk about it until later, but he was half-laughing at me. i said, why can't i talk about something that's affecting me? i didn't think that remark would cause such a lot of trouble .. he got up and stormed to the door, told me "You are very, very sick, you need a LOT of help, I wish you luck, Goodbye" and slammed out the door. as in, he's leaving permanently. (this is the A that breaks up with me every few weeks or so but never means it.)
why am i doubting myself? i have to look at things and see, was i really being irrational or overdoing it by calling housing? and why the heck would he be nearly defending this criminal guy? i know his background was very much the same before he got sober, so perhaps he empathizes with the guy. i still have to do the right thing for my daughter and myself! but if it's the right thing, why does it feel so wrong??
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Yeah, I believed and trusted my A (soon to be ex) husband also.
This disease ruins all belief and trust among people. I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. I no longer torment myself about it. I did learn some valuable lessons and the first one is to LOVE MYSELF ahead of the A. The disease loves to bully and mess with our heads. We love it because it helps us take the focus off of ourselves and onto the chaos.
You did the right thing. You do not need to explain yourself to ANYONE.
thank you, Jean *hugs back* (p.s. i forgot to say in my first post, by "out of control" and "scared" in my subject line, i mean about back in January when he attempted suicide, his leaving tonight was very similar to that night )
i really really want to run around screaming "BUT HE HASN'T HAD A DRINK OR ABUSED A DRUG IN 23 YEARS!!!" meaning, doesn't recovery mean something after so many years? when does the recovery start??
i came into this relationship with expectations that i thought were healthy, now i think i expected too much ... i thought we would have a few less problems because he's been clean and sober so long. i thought we would have a few less problems because he's been a drug and alcohol counselor, a therapist who's helped others, who has so many of the skills and resources he needs to be healthy. i thought we would have a few less problems because he was a speaker at meetings for so many years, a Big Book expert, worked at the Wilson House, and knows enough about the whole disease to KNOW what is right and wrong. i thought we would have a few less problems because he so firmly believes that the 12 Steps are a formula, not just "suggestions," he's very insistent on following the formula and teaching it to me and others, and in Step 10 it says he is to keep taking inventory and make amends immediately. so why doesn't he follow Step 10??
thank you all for listening to me venting. i am truly at a loss ... i don't understand why after 23 years he acts the same as a currently-drinking alcoholic. i don't even know what recovery would look like!
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Looks like your boyfriend is more fearful than you are and you are trying to help him be courageous? 23 years of sobriety doesn't make a man super and sobriety isn't only about not using and drinking and being a meeting speaker, working with others and being a substance abuse counselor doesn't add up to perfect or give people around him a guarantee that he will be well balanced all of the time.
Expectations of perfection are only a future resentments.
The man you are placing so much faith in as human as you are and at times you are better put together than he is. He came to you with baggage just as you had baggage when you went to him. At times you can see right through him and you end up thinking that you're going crazy and the fact is that he lies and you want to believe him because you think that is what the rule is. Believing a liar is a rule only to the enabler. We want to never ever make a person feel bad about themselves and never about us for sure. We want people to feel good even if it results in us feeling bad. That is OUR COMPULSION AND ADDICTION we are addicted to them.
Being honest about what you feel and see shouldn't take effort or force. Being honest is a great characteristic in people and you sound like you are an honest woman. Be honest without the fight. I was taught in recovery not to take words personally and to refer back to the childrens rhyme, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." That's when I learned not to let other peoples "bad" words get to me and to cut my own out of my conversations as much as possible. Sometimes I used those words honestly because I was afraid. I couldn't say I was afraid so I used the next best thing...I swore at them, her, me, everything. People had to guess that I was afraid and then not try to get me to admit to it until I leared how to say, "I am afraid." That's still apart of my daily program.
Do what you feel you have to do without fear or worry. It's okay for you to do your best thing even though he flees. His fleeing and your keeping your self and your child safe are two separate things. His fleeing is about his fear not your courage.
When you describe him you also paint a picture of the old me. The old me got old from working this program one day at a time for 29 years without taking the "permanent solution to a temporary problem" route. I have done all the stuff you say he has done. I have helped others change their lives while after I stopped helping them I had to go pull my own out of the toilet. Often times telling another person how to do it is so vastly different than doing it myself. Is it Attention Deficit Disorder or is it also the excitement that comes from within a real crises. We have a crises, get afraid, forget what we suggest to others on what to do. I believe that situation is normal for alcoholics and addicts. Not and excuse but I think alcoholics and addicts are wired crazy. That's how I feel from experience because I am also that, a recovering alcoholic. My thinker is program with instructions from the twilight zone and if I leave my thinking to default I'm a crazy person with a smile on his face that looks like a parish monk and you could trust with your life. I'd like to think I was that picture and then there's reality.
I was told by my boss and others in college that a good counselor has a good counselor. Might your boyfriend be up to that suggestion? Does he already have one? 23 years of sobriety only takes care of the physical part. Then comes the mental, emotional and spiritual. My sponsor told me that if I wasn't recovering on all levels at the same time?....I wasn't recovering.
Stick with your instincts Sadako, they sound okay.
my A came to me this morning and apologized for being a "sh*t" and re-affirmed that he really, truly wants us to be together forever. that's comforting, perhaps less so each time it happens, though. i'm scared to feel happy that he's "here" or "back" when he does the leaving thing, in case he does it again right away.
the only thing i could do was tell him my truth, as i always do. i can't change him and i don't want to, although i feel very frustrated and confused by his behavior and need to vent that sometimes (not to him). i can't convince him of anything, that's not my job. i told him he can trust me, i'm not here to break his heart or treat him badly, even though other women have kicked his heart around like a soccer ball. we both spoke of fear, we both spoke of not wanting to live in fear. i let him know that i treasure his precious heart which he chooses to open to me, and my hope is that he can do the same for me, although i know i can't expect it.
the most telling thing is: tonight, he left the house right after we were talking about something, and i waited and waited and he didn't come back. i had a panic attack! which feels really awful and sickening, not something i want to experience on a regular basis! i questioned myself, "what did i say before he left? did something i said piss him off? is he leaving again?" then i told myself "stop being ridiculous, you can't panic every time he walks out of the house for a half hour or so. i let him know about the panic, he empathized and was kind to me. i reallllly, really need to work hard and pray hard and meditate on what caused me to have so much fear so quickly.
as always, thank you all for being you :)
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.