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My AH that I am divorced from but have been living with for the past 3 years left under a rage, my interpretation, he felt guilty doing it in front of his family, his is that since his health is bad I have ignored him, wont help him financially for his meds and the kids get on his nerves.
I use my tools everyday for everything which is why I have been living happily with him for the past 3 years.
We have been talking about him coming home but he wants me to stop ignoring him (I only do it when he is drunk and repeating himself), wants me to give him money (I wouldn't as long as he was spending money on his addiction) and calm down the kids (they play in the house and do get loud).
Finacially we can't make it without him so I am willing to promise him these things just to get him back here. Am I wrong to do so?
Of course he wants u to change then he dosent have to . Keeping your children quiet is unfair to yourself and the kids -kids are kids let them be . Keep working your program do what makes u happy -our kids deserve one sane parent . My experience with a practicing A has been no matter what u do example: follow his rules - give him money -keep kids quiet-and he will still drink ,even if u managed to keep them quiet he will find somethng else to complain about , practicing alcoholics are negative people nothing makes them happy - just when i thought I had met the needs of the A - they raised the bar and needless to say I never quite made the grade . a wise AA member said to me* honey please yourself then at least one of you will be happy . *YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE DRINKS !!!!! regardless of what he says . he drinks because he has a problem --- period . I am sorry he is ill but that isn't your fault either his life choices have caused his problems . Leave them with him . good luck Louise
I walked out on 3/5 of the income when I left my A. It's been over 2 years and me and the 3 kids are doin fine... Staying for the money is a question only you can answer. I did it many times when I wished I would have left. We only get one life and it's up to us to decide how we want to spend it. I didn't think I could make it without my A's income either but things have a way of working themselves out!
It does not sound like a very good swap off to me. It's your decision, you know from your experience what life has been like. Yet he is asking for changes in you and your children to make his life better. That could be considered a little selfish. I would ask myself several questions.What about me?, What about my kids?, What about my sanity? What if he had told you me was never coming back, what would I do then to handle my finances? So many question only you can answer. Make a list on one side of a piece of paper, write the good reasons for you to take him up on his offer, on the other side the reasons you think is is not a good idea. Then write HP in big letters at the bottom of the page. Ask your HP daily to give you the answers you need. It will be out of your hands then, and you can concentrate on the two most important things in your life. You and your children. Give it a try you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. RLC
I too lost most of my income when I told him it was over that was 18mths ago, But in the UK we have housing benefit to help with rent and tax credit to boost you income and when a lot of money is not going on drink. Me and my daughter manage fine and are happy and settled, till he come round like the other week but to be able to go to bed and sleep not waiting for the key to go in the door is great.In the end you have to think of yourself and you kids happiness, can you be happy as you are?
I am in the process of losing the vast majority of my income from my soon to be ex-husband. I am presently working freelance and eagerly looking for full time work. I am so glad I no longer have to live with my (soon to be ex) husband. I would rather live on the street than live with him again. Anything to get away from the constant verbal bullying and criticisms and trying to change me constantly. Telling me the right way to do things, the correct way to think and behave, etc. All sorts of unsolicited advice.
I would not go back for all the money in the world. I am worth way more than all that! I place my faith in HP to see me through, financially( and in other ways), and so far, HP has been doing a good job. Hugs, J.
Are you wrong for doing so. You have choices...we all do. Why not think of the consequences you want before making the decision. Alcoholism is a life threatening disease; his, yours, and the children. For me today after having done it other ways in the past...No amount of money is worth living under the active disease again. I will not be enslaved by that insanity if I have a rational choice and a open door if the alcoholic won't leave herself.
Re-read your post and see how it comes across the second time.
I don't know about most of it. But I do know roudy kids are unacceptable to me too. I always told mine to use their "inside voice" inside but I have girls. But they did not grow up with the stress of an A so I can't judge. I just know teaching children to behave nicely can never be a bad thing.
Inviting him home because you can't make it without him financially, if that is really your only reason I would encourage you to think that through. Is there any other way?
I don't understand but I care, alot. Perhaps you need some face to face help. Do you have a sponsor? Do you go to face to face meetings. Have you checked around for local resources?
Thank you for all your imput. Reading what others think has really gotten me thinking. Both sides of the spectrum... I moved 1/2 across the country leaving family and friends to have a go at being a family with him. Needless to say this is a bad place for jobs and very low pay. With my tools from Alanon it has been a really good 3 years. Kids are VERY happy here. Kids are VERY active and it is a so much better to raise kids here. Since being here my AH has came into a really big amount of money, almost unlimited supply. We have been living modestly while he has became an addict on top of the alcoholism. I spend my time with the kids and doing what I need to do for me, that is why it has worked for the last 3 years. All of a sudden he (probably high) decides to leave and threaten any and everythin. I have just listened and smiled, told him he needed to do what he needed to do and told him that I love him. (You can imagine how dumb he must have felt having the sheriffs and tow truck drivers here to pick up his cars and I just said sure, no problem, here are the keys.) So as you can see I have no trouble detaching from his problem. What is worrying me is that he is threatening to have papers filed so that I can't leave the state. (We were divorced in another state.) If I am left here to fend for myself and the kids and I can't find a good paying job then I need to have the option of returning to my home state where I have family and friends as support. Part of me wants to run as soon and as fast as I can but knowing how happy the kids and I have been here is hard to do. And I have to add that I do love him and don't want to be far away from him.
