The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I have posted, I have kept my private life very private. Given my life as it is and where it appears to be headed, I know it has been a good decision for me thus far. In this small town I am in, the privacy really kept the chaos at bay and has allowed me to move forward at my own pace. Other than immediate family, I have only shared my situation (AH & his affair) with four local good friends, with two of those only being in the past couple of months. This was only after having them continually reach out to help me, knowing something was wrong, but no pressure to find out, only wanting to help. Finally, individually they caught me in a weak moment, and as they say "a burden shared is halved" - or so I thought.
Anyhow, last week I walked with one of them and I was talking about how the secrets are starting to seep, and shared a "rumor" about my AH and subsequently his g/f. It was in no way with the intent of sharing gossip, as it was reflective of my feelings and what was going on with me. It had to do with someone asking my best friend if I knew what was going on (cause she heard and was going to tell me about my AH's affair if I didn't know) and in the discussion it was mentioned that the g/f had been seen kissing someone (a friend's husband) at a party. I made a point of saying I didn't know if it was a fact, and when asked it the info could be shared I said, "no".
Well, the "husband" (who apparently was kissed) and his wife are friends of the friend I was talking to, and she and her husband ended up taking the liberty to share what I said with them. They wanted to protect the guy from my AH's g/f. Huh? He is married and known to be a flirt and have indiscretions. The "husband" got all fired up defending himself, and in the process I got thrown under the bus as the person who came up with the info and of course, the details of my life got put out there too.
Though I am definately bugged, I am at a point where I am not so upset about the details of my life being shared, as much as the feelings of betrayal. My friend knows my pain and all the measures I have taken to protect myself and my kids. Regardless, what was important to me was discarded all for the sake of "protecting" and rescuing someone else, who in my opinion didn't deserve to be rescued. I don't get it.
My friend confessed to me and feels terrible. I, of course, told her it was my fault for sharing in the first place. Now that I have been away from the situation for a couple of days, I see my same ol' pattern emerging of me taking the blame so someone else doesn't have to feel bad or hurt. Why do I do that?
I wonder if this post makes any sense. It may sound trite, immature and almost soap operaish. Believe me, I wouldn't think this was my life if I wasn't living it. This too will pass and I need to let it go. I know that. I guess I am just going through some self-bashing for going against my better judgement (trusting others with my secrets) and feeling some pity that the feelings and well-being of others often seem to be more important than mine.
I know I am loved and safe here at MIP and that helps. Thank you.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This is my first posting but not in no way my first dealing with an AH and Alanon. I moved here from another state after my AH and I were divorced. We have been living here comfortably for 3 years. I have been using my tools to deal with his sobriety and non sobriety. Actually because of my attitude it has been a good life, up till now, which really puts me to the test. He has left us. The only friends we had were his. He is so messed up that he is telling people things that are just not true. He called the police, says I called, he moved out, says I kicked him out, he is addicted to meds, says I am...etc. So, what am I doing? Keeping my mouth shut. Letting him dig his own holes. I have noticed that he is starting to want to climb out but realizes he put himself there and doesn't know what to do. I guess what I am saying is that there isn't a time to talk about things with anyone not knowing what we are going thru. Confidence has to be earned by those outside the problem. I am lucky enough to have a friend back home that not only knows what I have gone thru, she has gone thru it herself but she doesn't repeat anything. The best thing to do is find someone inside of your alanon group to confide in. Someone outside of the box. Don't beat yourself up over spilling the beans, believe me we have all done it, just remember that it didn't stay with that person and don't give her anymore information. Period.
I think it can be pretty hard to learn who to confide in. I know its pretty difficult but don't beat yourself up.
This is parting of your learning process. You will be more boundaried in the future. Many of us had relationships with A's because we had poor or no boundaries. Boundary setting is not for the fearful I think it takes a lot to do it well. Practice practice and practice some more. This is part of the practice.
Good lord, so much drama! I guess I don't really understand this because I share what I feel is relevant, what is truth (pretty or not) and if it is repeated, oh well... it's the truth. I don't ask people to keep secrets and I let them know not to expect me to either.
Dang, Lou! I am so sorry this happened. You have done such a beautiful job of keeping your dignity and all this lastest escapade proves is that gf is what she is and once a cheater always a cheater. It sounds as if she may have some bigger issues than just the Aism. Your poor husband.....
I trusted so many of the wrong people. At first it was because I just wanted people to know, understand and help me or relate. Then it was because I got so comfortable and trusting with people within this program that I started to believe that all people were trust-worthy. I tried. I learned my lessons. Today, after havig been burned so many times, I only trust people in this program and my very best friend. And still, I very rarely tell anyone anything unless I am willing to stand by what I said. That sounds like what you did. You repeated a story told to you and YOUR feelings about it. That is NOT gossip. That is communication. Good for you!
My best friend let slip to my oldest daughter that I was in my ex's (daughter's father) first wedding. My best friend called me and told me immediatly what happened and yes, I was MAD. Not because of the shame it brought up within me, but for the pain and confuson it brought to my daughter at a time when she didn't need any more. My friend was so very sorry. I was so very mad. It took me a VERY long time to let it go. But I did. I explained to her that my kids do not need to know about my life before them.Just like I will never share with her sons that they very well have a few dozen half siblings out there from the 3 times she donated eggs in her 20ies. I will not tell them I used to be into drugs, sex and rock and roll. Need to know basis.
Now, we are only as sick as our secrets so it is good to get them out. Don't let this bad experience stop you from communicating. When we open up to others, we might be helping them too.
It isn't your fault that gf is a husband stealer. And although it wasn't your intention, you just might have inadvertently saved some other wife the pain you have gone thru. Gf's reputation is all hers to do with what she wants.
P.S. we all know I am not the most mature person in the world, so, I will say it if you won't "NANANAANANABOBOBOBOBOB TO GF AND EX!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(((((((lou)))))))) I can relate to this share so much. Please don't beat yourself up. I too agree that this was not gossip, but communication on your part. Unfortunately, your girlfriend proved to be less than trustworthy and completely lacked understanding of you and your feelings. I hate lessons learned the hard way, but that is what this seems to be. At least that is what I related to most in your post. I have had to distance myself from long time friends who in the end were really not friends of mine. For me this has been hard to navigate, because I isolate myself by nature.
I also totally relate to giving people a pass when they apologize, by placing the blame back on me. Letting others feel the consequences of their actions is part of our own recovery, but it feels so foriegn to me at times. Give yourself a BIG hug. In my opinion, you did nothing wrong in this situation and got burned. I am sorry it happened, but am hopeful this too shall pass.
. I will not tell them I used to be into drugs, sex and rock and roll. Need to know basis. 
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