The material presented
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My A has been drinking since he got out of treatment - first every couple months a relapse, then a month, two weeks, now the last two weekends in a row. I however feel fine (a major improvment). I don't even get mad anymore, I feel like "what's the use?". I know he's already beating himself up and I really don't feel like draining myself emotionally anymore. On the other hand, I don't see him doing anything to help himself to stop this cycle - no meetings, phone calls, etc. I don't want to sound like I'm obsessing - I'm concerned - I know his recovery is his business not mine. On the other hand, I'm just wondering if I should say something, tell him I'm concerned?
My A is my son so I really cannot comment on a spouse. I don't think I would say anything. You said you are feeling fine so I would just leave it at that. I have heard more than enough times on this site that it does not change anything by saying something. Just keep on keeping on and leave him to his HP.
Good for you to be able to detach from this. Your post sounds encouraging.
In my experience, words aren't likely to do much good.... A's judge us more by our actions..... Start getting recovery for YOU, and see where that takes you.... We don't always have to leave - far from it.... that choice is, and always will be - yours to make.... But in seeking recovery and serenity for yourself - you'll be able to manage whatever life throws at you much better....
Take care of you....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have a question. Your comment regarding A's judging us more by our actions than words - this is new to me, can you explain more? And if I basically don't react, how will he read that?
Hello , you ask if u should talk to the A about his drinking , you have probably done that a hundred times all ready -- it only takes one person to create change as u change yur atttitude he is forced to look at his own , alcoholics like to control and when what they used to do dosen't get the usual reaction they become confused and insecure . taking us at our word and actions to me means we threaten to leave but don't - we threaten divorce and we don't idle threats are empty words . You say he isn't going to meetings are you going to meetings for yourself Al-Anon ? If we want change we must be willing to create it . Louise
You sound like you are just in the right place to start detaching your focus on him and placing the whole thing on changing in you what needs to be changed.
I played the part in the disease that most had to do with my own pain. I had to look into that and make corrections regardless about what she was doing and what I felt about it.
I suggest that you run...not walk to the nearest face to face meeting and ask, "Can someone here help me?" Go on from then.
Welcome to the MIP family. As someone who's A is a chronic relapser (or is he just a drinker who doesn't drink everyday?) it can be frustrating. I have given up talking about recovery to my AH unless he brings it up. I can talk about mine. I told him this morning I should try and get to a meeting because work is causing me so much stress that I need to apply my tools there. He said he should get back to his. I said well that's your decision it can't hurt. I even offered to go with him. At the same time I can't make him go. Will he go? I don't no. The choice is his. It's my choice to focus on mine. I have too much on my plate to worry about his disease. We have other health issues that I need to be concerned about. It may sound cold, but detaching from this part of his life is the most sane thing I can do for my life. Hope this helps. Keep coming back! Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
A's judging us more from our actions than our words......
As Al-Anoner's, if we had one generic flaw (lol), it would be that many (most?) of us are guilty of telling our A's that "if they don't stop drinking we are going to do __________" (whether that is leave, or whatever). Invariably, they keep right on drinking, and we don't typically carry through on our threats.... Over time, the unintended REAL message that we send to our A's is that our words are simply idle threats, that we have no intention of following up on....
Some basics that we learn are truly to "do as we say and say as we do"...... it's important, particularly with A's, to not threaten anything that we aren't willing to follow through on....
The judging by our actions is MUCH more direct and visible to the A's.... Quite frankly, most A's want us to yell and scream - that keeps the chaos in place..... Want to really unnerve an A?? Quietly and peacefully go about your business, getting yourself healthy and better..... Now THAT scares the heck out of them. Remember that most A's are "more scared of sobriety than they are of their disease".
It is for this reason that I am such an advocate of the "Getting Them Sober" books.... in a nutshell, they tell us "if you REALLY love your A, then get yourself healthy".
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
