The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I received my son's report card today and I am not happy. So, I am typing out the grades to send to my AH and feeling kinda nasty.
I've been so good (relatively speaking) in my actions and words and am just feeling the need to let my AH know I think he is a selfish b*****d. I want to tell him that I will figure it all out with the help of our cfamily ounselor, and that I do not need him to be the hero. Besides, heroes don't destroy families, and they care for their children more than themselves, so he doesn't even qualify.
Thought I should type it out here before I hit "send". Maybe I will sleep on it too. I am sick of him having all the answers while he parents from afar. Do I blame him? Yep. Should I? Probably not. Am I feeling defensive and at fault for my son's poor school performance? Mmmm, partially. Am I resentful? You bet.
As a side note - yesterday at my daughter's school, the vice principal pulled me aside to say, "I know you know this because you married him, but you have a wonderful husband. He is so caring..." and then went on to say why. BLECH! Took all my restraint not to flip him my empty left ring finger.
Yeah.. so this post is a bit fragmented. Obviously, so am I tonight. I really am more okay than I sound.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
To the vice principle: Yeah, swell guy. Most DRUG ADDICTS are. But the ones who cheat on their wives are in a wohle 'nother catagory of "wonderful". If you'd like to expound on what a swell guy he is I suggesst you do so with Skank-Whore. Infact, mayebe you'd like to tell Skank-Whore's HUSBAND what a GREAT GUY my EX_HUSBAND is."
Secondly, why are YOU sending your ex your son's report card? The school is quite capable of mailing him a copy, if he cares. He can call the school and be as involved as he wants to be without any help from you, there by relieveing you of the stress.
And thridly, it is perfectly acceptable to hate evil and this disease is evil. You don't have to like it, make friends with it or DO anything for it. You can hate it. Now, I wouldn't think shooting evil a nasty email would do anything other than engage evil in a battle. And in a battle there are always casualities. I wouldn't want you to be a casuality (((((Lou)))) You are far too important to lose to evil. So, post your nasty email here. We will understand. It is good to get that poision of resentment out of you any way you can. Acceptence, you're getting there!
My daughter's talent show (last month) was the first time ever that I was totally ok with the fact that I was the only parent there for her. It is just the way it is now. I spent a long time being so mad about that fact. Mad for me, mad for the kids. But it did no good all that anger. I actually enjoyed myself at the school functions this year, rather than sitting there stewing over the unfairness of it all and the pain and the anger. I do believe that I had to get thru all of that pain and anger to get where I am today.
Whenever I want to send a nasty letter or email, I do this: I write it in a word file, but I don't mail it. I keep an online journal and it helps to get these things out. Then I go back when I'm ready and reread them. I will eventually delete them. Kind of like burning them. Once it's done, it's done. Sorry about your son's grades. Remember you are doing the best you can. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I found that when I "examine my motives" that helps me before I make my decisions. You are doing great! You posted. This way you can take what you liked and leave the rest.
No matter how you feel about your estranged, children always love BOTH their parents, good, bad or indifferent. Must be genetic. Try to think of him as their Daddy not your estranged. It might help.
yours in recovery, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My motive for a nasty email? Honestly, I'm mad and I want him to feel bad. and maybe, just maybe take some responsibility. My son was with him the weekend before finals and did nothing. Yeah, right, like that will happen...
Also, Seren asked why my AH needs the report card info I missed some details in my post for the sake of brevity...
I feel need to tell my AH about my son since he is going to a private school. My mom paid for it because in the small school here where we live he didn't have any peers and he was headed for trouble. His school now is boys only (with a girls school of the same schedule next door) and he loved it! It was great for the friendships and a positive peer group, but he did take himself along, so his academic work ethic pretty much stayed the same. She offered to pay as long as he did well. Well, he didn't. I have compassion if it is a matter of working hard and "not getting it", but that isn't the case. The kid is bright, so bright, and just wants to cruise and play around. It's not that I didn't warn and NAG him. Talk about consequences. He is starting summer school today for Spanish (he got a C- and they want a strong C). He will be personally be paying the $250 it costs as well as buying me a tank of gas (30 min away). My AH will be taking him every morning, but I will have to leave work every day for 2 weeks at 10:45 to pick him up, thus I suffer too as it is inconvenient and expensive. I am actually glad about the summer school thing as I am hoping it will be a great learning lesson. The D in geometry is a whole 'nother story...
I don't know what to do about his schooling now. My mom may still pay (although her financial source, a house, hasn't sold) but my son doesn't deserve it. Not many other options around here. Honestly, I believe if I send him back to the local school I will be carving a path for gang activity, sex, drugs/ drinking and an overall miserable child. Good academics, but most other kids that he would associate with go elsewhere - private or other districts where they qualify for inter-district transer due to parents work.
Guess this is God's job and all I can do is pray. Hard to pray when I'm pissed off. Maybe I'll pray for an attitude adjustment first.
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Ya, it sux to be poor. I think there are a lot of great kids in the public schools who just get lost along the way... my daughter included. If only those lottery numbers would hit!!!!
I just wanted to let you know, if you already didn't, that you can apply for financial aid at the private school. There are scholarships and financial monies for people who meet certain criteria. Please check into it. I hope that helps....prayers
I've been thinking about this all morning, and I'll try to share my thoughts.
The A doesn't have to be bad, for you to be good. There doesn't have to be a villain and a victim in the story. Your A doesn't have to be painted with the blackest possible brush, in order for you to have the right to take care of yourself, and act in your own best interests. It's all right for you to want something better than life with an alcoholic, you don't have to justify it.
I suspect your son's troubles have less to do with which school he goes to, and more with the turmoil of homelife. The more serenity you can bring to the home front, the better he will be able to fight his own demons in his own way. Your husband has his responsibilities in this matter, yes, but they are not yours. If you are being the best possible parent that you have it in you to be, that takes care of your end of it. Your husband has his own relationship with the kids, and it is what it is, for both good and ill.
Your son may or may not be failing because he is a child of the disease...he is responsible for his grades and the consequences of his work ethic. He's got a lot of people supporting him and running around reacting to his consequences. You check out the availability of Alateen in your area yet? It does help...alot. Usually they are in the same location as the Al-Anon meeting because they are apart of the Al-Anon Family Groups. They just celebrated 50 or so years of existence.
