The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is so good to be back here. I finally have a computer that works and internet at home so I feel fully connected! In my last post I mentioned that I am trying to detach from my A in jail by getting back in the dating world. That being said I do still talk to the A and at times tell him about my new dating life. At first this was as a result of him questioning me. Now I do it impulsively and at times out of pride and maybe a touch of arrogance. As he has dated so many people since we first met 15 years ago and even been married in between- and let's just say this latest dating spree is really my first. Anyway, I still feel this darkness when I talk to him now. He definitely is feeling sorry for himself because it looks like he won't get out for a long time, and for whatever reason- he seems to be building resentment towards me. As much progress as I have made, this seems to still bother me. I still say things like "you know I would do whatever I could to help you", etc. I find myself avoiding his calls so that I don't feel his anger and yet part of me still wishes that he could see that I am not the source of his problems- though I know when he truly thinks about it he knows that. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent!!
Co is it really honest telling him that you would be willing to do anything for him while you are detaching and hooking up with others? Dating others is a form of choice of detachment and there are many others. And to he is incarcerated and maybe for a long time. What "anything" can you reasonably do for him? Telling a person who is behind bars about your new dating life for some of the reasons you state sounds like getting even for some old resentments.
Al-Anon is called an "honest" program that we work on for ourselves because we ourselves need to change things in us that cause us our life problems.
I also see that "red flag" waving of in the distance. My experience was that it indicated someone was near the target on the firing range.
I did this.. the man seeking thing...trust me it's a red flag!!! What I had to do was put my kids first and just do everything for me and them! Then I had to find some friends to hang out with - GIRLS!!! This man seeking thing is just another form of avoidance of self. What I did was start filling up my time with stuff I wanted to do, or with the kids. At first it seems really lame and slow and boring but then you slowly add to that repetoire until you have a full life and without the man! Pretty soon you don't really have time for anything anymore but what YOU want! I went back to school, took a 2nd job, made a couple of girlfriends, watch movies at home, go to amusement park once a month for a 3 day weekend, go to the beach, hit the thrift store (when I can find time now...) garage sales, pool, read, exercise (rarely...) I can think of tons of things I'd like to do but don't have time like scrapbook, paint my nails, etc. That NEVER happened before. It all starts with getting past the loneliness by jam packing your time. Then pretty soon you let up and start adding and eliminating as needed! You will be SOOOOOOO much happier with yourself if you do this!
And on the flip side.... how honest (and healthy) is it for the people you are dating when your mind is full of an ex? I would hate for someone who wasn't completely free (mind, heart and soul) to be dating me - I think I'd feel used when I found out they still had an attachment to someone else.
The key to successful relationships is to first be a healthy whole person yourself.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Co - I see nothing wrong with re-entering the dating world - if you're being honest with yourself about your motive. If it's simply to have something to put in his face, then that's a huge problem.....for lots of reasons. I understand loving somebody who isn't available (physically, emotionally, whatever). But if they are truly unavailable (and it sounds like yours truly is), then it may be time to completely move on. Which means honestly detaching yourself from him FIRST. Not "using" dates as a vehicle for detaching. Find yourself first. Gather yourself together, work on your recovery, and present your whole self out there. It sounds to me like you're ready for someone to care about you and put you first. I don't think that's an unusual thing at all. I would only suggest that you do those things for yourself first. You've been doing it for him for so long. It's your turn.
