The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Too many stories to tell about how I got here, and I'm sure you've lived them all before, but this is the first time I'm seeking help. I do have a first appointment with a therapist next week, but something inside me can't wait.
Long story short: My husband of 1 year is alcoholic. I guess he always has been, and I've been in denial, either because I was drinking with him or just allowed him to blame his behavior on other things. Fast forward to now: I'm 7 months pregnant and watching him self destruct is killing me. I tried to take some of the blame, tried to say that it was my raging hormones that was causing me to get so upset every time he'd go out and not come home, lie about where he was, or how much he'd been drinking. But I can't do that anymore. I'm smarter than that and it's like I'm waking up to it for the very first time. The irony is that I am a licensed social worker. I work as an addictions counselor and deal with this stuff every day. Now, before you start thinking I'm incompetent, I'd like to believe that I'm not. I'd like to believe that I'm very good at what I do, and I also know the reality of addiction. I just can't seem to apply what I know to help myself. I can't scream at this problem until it goes away. I can't cry hysterically and expect him to change. I can't give him the silent treatment and expect that to make any difference.
My perception of myself is that I've always been independent, and would do just fine taking care of myself and my soon-to-be daughter all by myself. But the reality is that I don't want to. I feel like my options are to leave or to suck it up. And I don't like either of those. So where do I go from here?
Welcome! I came here quite a while ago...it is safe here and lots of experience. Read the posts, read member's profile, you will see we are all very similar.....I'm glad your here. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Hugs Mare
Where do you go from here? Face-to-face al-anon meetings would be great (in addition to this board) and once you have that baby, you just keep on going and pass that little girl around and share the sweetness if you need to.
There are no judgements here. If it would make you feel any better, my husband was an alcoholic and had a drug addicition for at least 10 years of our marriage and I didn't know until oh, about 48 hrs before he went into rehab. And, that was not the only one of the things I "didn't know". Denial and the disease of addiction are both way more powerful than education, intelligence and even common sense.
It is great that you are independent and can take care of yourself and your daughter. It takes time to figure out the answers. There are more options than you realize. If you read the literature, get to meetings, and keep coming back, you may very well be amazed at the choices you really have.
I'm glad you're here.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You have come to the right place, there is alot of support for you here. You will realize that no matter what you do it is not your fault, the alcoholic must own that repsponsiblity all by himself.
I am sure you are good at what you do, when it hits home it is very much different than looking in.
Please remember only your husband can make the choice to stop no matter what you do. You can only take care of you, the better you are the better mom you will be.
Hi JD, I'm new here, too. I think we've probably come to the right place. Funny how what you so easily blocked out can knock you right between the eyes. Your health and the health of your baby are what is most important. I'm trying so hard to just detach right now. I think if we get that part down, some of the rest of the puzzle pieces might fall into place. Take care, and we'll be new together. Bobbi
Dear JD, First things first. Your health, physical, mental, and spiritual are first. Your baby comes second. If you are not making sound decisions, you can't protect your baby. Keep those priorities in mind when you are asking yourself what to do. Surround yourself with people who love you, who you can trust, and work with a therapist who can help you form a concrete plan for your life. Non planning, non-action is tantamount to throwing your life in the wind. Personally, I did that for 20 years, until I decided no one would be responsible for my own destiny but myself. And pray... pray a lot, I have found the Lords Prayer to become my mantra over the last 3 years, even though I have known it all my life... it means something new to me almost every day.
Hang In There.... you deserve a wonderful future and so does your baby.
Ive been married to an A for 26 years, Im not saying I have all the answers, but one of the first things or steps that helped me is to accept this as a disease. Accept where your at. Im not saying to be complacent, but there is nothing you can do about the alcoholic. When I decided that I didnt really have to deal with his disease it took a weight off my shoulders. It's not mine to shoulder . You have a career, create your own life. Turn away from him , live your life, Im not saying to leave, but you can create your own relationship to anything you want and what works for you. Keep going to Alanon and pray!!!!!
