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Well, the A is still in jail and I am SLOWLY leaving him behind. I still talk to him, etc, but it is getting easier to not answer the phone. I am also seeing someone else. He is "healthy" in that he has a great job is respectful of me, etc. He pays a lot of attention to me, etc. He is recently divorced- 3 months. At any rate, I found myself this weekend telling him that I was "a little rough around the edges." That we "come from different places." He knows about the A and that I have a child with him. He knows the A because we used to run in similar circles years ago. Anyway, he likes to go home early because he works early. We only go out one day a week because I have a child,etc., so I must admit that I like to stay out later which he gives me grief about the next day as I am not showing him respect and I guess I am not. It's just that we do often go home after dinner but a couple of times I have pushed it so we can go to a bar to hear live music and meet my friends. At these times I feel like I am trying to show him the "other" side of me to see if he can handle it. Like I said, he acts great that night but then gives me subtle grief the next day about it and my lack of respect for him. I am open to the fact that he has a point as respect is not something I am familiar with having or giving. At first I kept my distance from this man because he seemed so not "my type" but as I get to know him and see how he consistently treats me nice, always pays when we go out- this was also a source of contention- and I just had to clarify that if he wanted to go out, etc, I could not pay as I just simply did not have the funds with a small child, etc, He seems to have no problems with this but this- him paying the tab- does come up occasionally when it seems that I am trying to do what I want to do when out and not what he wants to do. Anyway, I could just use any perspective, support, feedback on how to date appropriately- not overwhelming, not showing all your issues at once, not pushing away, not being selfish, not being codependent- AND AT THE SAME TIME- letting someone to get to know you -even the parts of you that you are hoping to change. Thank you family for always being there to listen. There is a comfort that even as I come up on all these new situations that I have you wise people to turn to for support. :)
Well, something I learned very recently when dipping my toe back into the dating waters is I didn't have to marry the guy, have him move in or have kids with him. Seriously, I didn't know that. I got together with ex when I was 21 and before that I dated a seriously deranged guy who moved himself in with me after pursuing me for over a year. He was relentless and criminally insane. I dipped my toe and got bit by a shark.....again! But it was so much easier to shake him off as there were no kids, homes, families involved, really.
So my ESH is, if there are even the slightest hint of a red flag flying just walk away, because you can. You don't have to hang on if there is something that you don't like about that guy. At this point in the relationship, you really have nothing invested. All of the guys I have dated, I have looked at as learning experiences. I am still way to raw to seriously consider having a relationship. But I figure I can date and see what I like, what I don't and it really opens my eyes about myself and things I might like and not like about me in relation to other people.
There was alot I liked about one guy....I thought. But the longer we were dating the more I realized that I wasn't really liking HIM, I was liking not being alone. Infact, I didn't really like HIM at all. So then, I got to figure out is being alone was worse than being in a bad relationship. I figured out, I'd rather be alone and focus on my kids and work on me and wait till there is a guy whom I connect more fully with. Good stuff!
Good luck and great job at detatching from your ex. I think moving on and gaining back yourself is such a wonderful path for you to take!!!
It was my experience when getting back into the dating scene, that it was overwelming. I too met a man t hat treated me like this and was healthy or so I thought.
Be careful, take it slow, try and have your eyes wide open.
I think we need to fill our lives up with a variety of people and not just invest all our time and energy into one. This is what I've come to find anyway! This way we can still maintain ALL the parts of us, even the parts that like to go to the bar and listen to live music. I think it's about respecting people doing what they do and expecting the same, not trying to hide parts of who we really are - you don't have to "hide" it, just do it with someone who appreciates that part of you and...... don't care whether things work out with him or not, either it will or it wont and there's no point in trying to force it, if it doesn't there's more fish! If I was in your situation I would find a friend or two who enjoys doing that or go alone and meet someone there who enjoys it. If he wants to be home early good for him, say goodnight and call up one of your girlfriends! That's my ESH! I used to have all my eggs in my exes basket and when I left him it was devestating, now I know that's not normal, having friends and being with other people too is important for several reasons, first because it keeps us from becoming dependent on someone and feeling isolated when they/we leave and second it gives us variety and more facets to our lives.
Dear starting over, the man your seeing has only been divorced 3 months, you are just starting to free yourself from the A, you need to take it slow and date other people also. This time should be for you discovering yourself and working on you and spending time with your daughter. I know this from experience. Its not the time to be in a serious relationship, if he is still there in a couple of years and you take the time to get to know eachother really well and meet his family, thats important. Then you can take it from there. Work or no Work, this guy should want to spend time with you, respect comes later. your friend, Bettina
