The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a rough week last week. Thus, I have been trying to make a conscious effort thie past few days, mostly by prayer, to get my emotions away from my AH and onto myself and my kids. Uhhh, and its just as difficult as I thought it would be.
Now I am finding myself getting mad. What set me off first thing this a.m. is that I ran across the letter my son wrote my AH when he was in rehab. In addition to asking him not to escape, he said how he knew it was partly his fault and how all he wanted was for his dad and mom to be happy and love one another and to have a nice family together. Ugh. Makes me so sad, and angry too.
And, we still don't talk about it. The kids and I went to counseling last week and while we discussed dynamics (getting along) and the kids seemed relatively happy, nothing was not ever is, mentioned about their dad. Finally at the end, the counselor told a little story of a 75 yr old woman who he is now treating because she spent her whole life not talking about/ dealing with her troubles. He then said how in future sessions he would like to start bring the divorce situation into discussion. The kids' faces just dropped.
I sure hope he knows how to do it, because I sure don't. The pattern needs to stop. It's a legacy that just gets passed on. My dad died when I was 7 yrs old. My mom, who was a wonderful person and terribly overwhelmed woman, had my dad's brother whom we barely knew (he was visiting from Canada) tell us he died. She wasn't even there. Then, we went home and my dad was never, ever mentioned. Isn't that wierd? My dad was a great guy. We were a happy in tact family,and he just disappeared.
Then, 4 yrs later my mom died. We were "adopted" by cousins. Thier family of 4 suddenly became family of 8 (6 kids aged 8-14) and then 9 (unplanned baby). Talk about chaos! But, we looked good from the outside. And, guess what? Rarely talked about my mom. Rarely, and if we did it was more related to guilt than to love or memories. Too much pain for everyone when you are just trying to cope and survive.
Funny as I read what I just wrote, I realize that wasn't where I was going when I started to post. Hmm, maybe my prayer is working. I guess it's a bit encouraging that I changed the focus from him to me, but that's a bit heavy for me right now. Looks like I have some work to do (HA - what an understatement that is!)
Thanks for being here. Gotta get to work.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
wow pretty tough stuff. I know when I come out of denial I want everything to stop there and then. That's a hard one. I also think that part of "growing up" is actually coming to terms with who your mother and father are rather than wish they were. I think you are doing what you can. Therapy sometimes takes a while to work (for me its taken years).
Why are you insisting it call change overnight? I know when I am in bad bad bad pain all I have to do is detach.
Lou, do you talk to your kids about other things? I wonder about not talking about stuff because my kids NEVER mention their dad, at all. They don't talk about any of the hard stuff. I mean, they have, my middle one especially. The thing is, I wonder if it is such a bad thing? They are living their lives. We talk. We sit down together as a family and have dinner and talk about our days. I'm thinking that when it counts, they will talk to me. I have explained some very difficult concepts to them but I think they get it. I am just not sure that they have to go into talking about things they aren't talking about on their own. When they are ready, I will hear it. I will be willing and able to hear it. And they will have come to a point where their questions will have answers, maybe not the answers they want, but the truth.
I am trying my darndest to stay emotionally available to them. That was the issue within my family. There were no emotionally available people so, I took my emotions and threw them up all over very unsafe people.I craved that connection and I don't believe that connection comes about by talking about emotioanlly messy things. I believe it comes from being there thru the good stuff and not letting the messy stuff ruin the rest or be bigger than the rest of their lives.
I am curious to hear what the counselor has to say about it. My best friend when I was 18 told me that if we don't deal with the crap as it happens then we will have a nervous break down later in life. I never have forgotten those words of wisdom and I am looking forward to my nervous breakdown any day now!!!! LOL!!!!
Loup, you got me thinking and I just have to say...wow...what a girl. I would love my daughter to read this and watch her reactions. Mine are, I too want to stop a cycle of family patterning so I do hope and pray that you manage this.
Sending you ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and like Serendipity, I am waiting to hear what that counselor has to say, and I am wondering how you and the kids will deal with it or react to it when it is tabled in session.
Keeping you and the family in my prayers.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Great post. It brings back alot of resolved past issues and changed behaviors like leaving sleeping dogs lay with the letters from the past. The past doesn't have the power to sting me anymore because if its gone I let it stay that way and choose not to let my self get caught up in it. Letting go of fear was another thing your post brought up because that is what kept me from facing problems and calling the attention of others involved into the solution. Fear was my greatest emotional defect. I didn't know why I was afraid I just was by default until again I chose to work the opposite of it which is faith. The faith that I would be and all involved would be okay before, during and after we took a closer look at what we were not paying attention to. Denial or not addressing major life changes is part of the elephant in the livingroom.
I also participated in counseling and didn't like having him drag stuff out of me all the time so I started doing my own investigation. He like having me take part in my own recovery and so did I. I like knowing what's going on with me inside and outside today. That way I can be real and honest.
I think dead would be better than your dad is in prison or I don't know where your dad is or why you haven't heard from him. I guess the question is how to address THAT with children. He's not dead... he just doesn't care? At least if he's dead you can get on with remembering the good things but when he just doesn't care how do you get past that? I tell them he's sick... don't really know what else to do. I don't really talk about my ex with the kids my girls' dad died, we don't talk about him either. I am with seren. do we really need to? What do you say? Keep us posted, I'm interested to see how the counselor says to handle it, I think we could all use your counseling tips here LOL.
