The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So glad that you are always here. I went to my f2f meeting this morning. Right before the meeting my AHSober calls me. He did it again. I thought we agreed to met to have supper with our son home from college. He was pleasant enough and then on the phone, he bombed me. He made an offer on land with two friends. And he wants to talk and I say about what you already made the decision. So I go to my meeting and just lost it. I said why? and I just don't get it. I cried and cried for what is lost - my family. I love my sons. I loved being their mother. I said I can't find verbs to even describe how I feel. I can't even describe what has happened. I couldn't even tell them why I was crying; was it anger, pain, sadness? Dealing with him now is worse then anything that I had to deal with when he drank. So some wise one said she use to read all the self help books trying to find the answers. She said she finally learned to the "live the question" and the answers will come. I think I have had enough of his revving up the intensity so he can feel alive.
I use to do the same reaction until I finally learned not to take it all personal. To live in acceptance of those thing that have happened and are happening and will happen that I have absolutely no control or participation in. I get to (just as you did) make the decision as to whether I will participate or not and to what degree. Its about choosing...do I respond? Do I react? I like the consequences of respond better than react.
I was just on the phone with a sponsee and my spouse called to communicate that they were inbound into town from the highway and about where they were at and would I like if she picked me up something for dinner. My sponsee said that was really nice of her to do that. I agreed and also told him "she's been practicing and its (the communications) getting better. Communications has been an issue (mine) that I felt needed to be improved for our marriage to float on calmer waters. It took restating that need when necessary and it took patience to watch what the results would be. One of the results will be more gratitude for better communications and less tension because of having to address the issue over again. She found her reasons to be more communica -tive not mine.
Put on a thicker outer layer one without any velco on it so that you don't get sooo hurt and not much will stick to you.
I hope by the time you read this you've found some peace of mind, at least for the time being.
I thought I'd share with you how I deal with those seemingly unanswerable questions.
Your post reminded me of what I sometimes do when I can't understand something that is driving me nuts: I silently sing part of a Beatles song that goes something like this: "Let it be, let it be, oh... let it be, let it be.. there will come an answer, let it be.
I find, too, that when I ask the question (turn it over to HP)and then stop mulling it over and over in my head, the answer "usually" comes in some form, either through something I've read, heard, a dream, or my intuition (which I consider HP talking to me). A lot of times, answers come to me while I'm gardening. Out in my yard, I really let mental garbage go, my mind is less "slimey" out there. Thus, there is room for answers to flow in. Make sense?
