The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, so I quit my pain in the butt job and the next day I was home to receive a phone call from a local Doctor's office that wants me in for an interview on Wednesday. And now for the last few days I've been trying my hardest to keep my tounge in check because my MIND and TEMPER are working overtime due to hormones. Last night I almost lost the battle, but I prevailed.
I am doubting the choice I made last October when I asked my sponsor to sponsor me. I don't talk to her much because all she says when I DO talk to her is wow or oh geeze kiddo. I called her the other day when I quit my job and all she said to me besides what she normally says is "are you paying child support?" I was like yea but not really. I just give my mom money because it's quicker than sending it to the state and them sending it to her. She gets it quicker if I give it to her directly. (For those of you who don't know, my mom is taking care of my oldest son and daughter while I try and get my life straightened out.) Apparently, my sponsor has a problem with this arrangement. She feels I need to have my kids with me no matter what. I, and my mother agrees, that they don't need to be subjected to my screwed-upness right now. I need to feel that I am better in my own head before I can effectively take care of them. I love them. They know that. They are in the best place, I feel. I suppose I should tell my sponsor that. Perhaps she'll back off of the subject. I should be comfortable calling her and talking to her about anything, but I'm not. I'm more comfortable here. Perhaps it's because this is more anonomous. I don't know. What I DO know is that I value EVERYONE'S input here. She doesn't give me any. And that bothers me.
The other thing that bother's me is Michael's friendship with this woman from the group. It bother's me because when I came home he told me that he had thought about asking her out while we were not living together. He didn't and I'm home with him where I belong. He said he didn't because he thought about it and thought what IF I am the one he's suppose to be with and he screws that up. He also said that he'd never felt like that before about someone he was in a relationship with. I've told him that I have this problem with their friendship and why and he said he understands. We don't argue about it. I am glad he told me about it, but I sometimes wish I didn't know.
Jennifer, If you are not comfortable with your sponsor, you have no obligation to continue the relationship. I am sure that there are several long-time alanoner's here that would tell you that they have had several different sponsors through out thier recovery. I don't feel that it is anyone right to tell you what is best for you and your family, only you would know what is truly best for you.
Do you journal? Not trying to pry just reflecting on one of the tools that supports me when There is a bunch of stress buzzing around in my program.
Recovery is about changing and although that is not my favorite thing to do having had sooooo much success with denial and isolations and procrastination it does work in favor of growth when I do it for growth. Simply (best) said if something I am doing isn't working for my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health I change it including sponsors or anything else. I also first lay it at the feet and in the lap of my HP and ask for feedback and direction. I don't hesitate to ask my HP, "How would or did you handle this when you were up against it?" or "Give me the wisdom to see thru this situation and arrive at your will for it." But it sounds like you are off balance right now and I just don't like that. I want (soooo many things) flat rock solid ground under my feet and guarantees that everything comes out my way without my own personal effort and attention. I don't like insecurity (although I work up on roofs...go figure). At times I feel like either a paradox or oxymoron (the moron part almost fits) until I get quiet and investigate in some manner, writing or meditation on what is going on with me.
Hi Jennifer, I am glad you found this forum/Board. You mention quite a few topics in this post, so I will non-sequitor too!
I completely understand & have the same experience about being more honest on this Board or in the meetings here on-line in the chat room (they are twice/day, everyday). I see you saying you 'ought to be back in mtgs' ~ have u tried any on-line? They are a little bit slower than F2F b/c we read the opening/close of mtg... but I am free to cry when other's post, when I share, I can hop up if I need a rest room break or water & no one is disrupted by me & I don't miss any of it. I have found them to be extremely powerful.
Plus after my exAH... I became more paranoid & protective of myself, which I really needed to learn, no one can see my face or vehcile, lic plate. True, I don't get the hugs but I tend to empathize so much, I pick up on other ppl's feelings. No one glares at me, if I'm late, u know, that sort of thing.
I read ur user details/description of your self & this post, so this is all I know about you, that I'm going on speaking to u now. It's sucky that you have this situation with your sponsor, I am sorry. You ought to be able to share anything without judgement. I get the impression ur sponsor is much older than you are... I understand that you want to be healthier for your children. They don't want to see us in pain. As human beings, lil kids always feel responsible for their parent's misery, it is amazingly sad how we naturally take that on. (I'm ACoA too). Even w/ over 20+ yrs in Program, I want to protect my mother & 'make it better.' I have to let go & MYOB mind my own business, it is her life to live, just as I am learning to focus on what I can do for my life. My impression is that your sponsor's intentions are good but clearly, it's not coming out well. Trying to not give you advice but understanding, with her 'yeah' kind of comments & then being over -responsible or over involved by asking you about the responsibilities (checks). I sense the annoyance, it may be a boundary thing.
It is like the friends/family around me, checking on me, asking what I'm doing. I know, I know what I am supposed to be doing... my lists, have lists, with sub-lists yes, so I am 5 yrs behing on my own 'maid tasks & honey do (it for myself) lists. Being reminded of the most obvious things, doesn't help me, it only aggravates me (so it's an opportunity for me to learn patience). A sponsor is just a mixed up person that has made mistakes too. But it is also chemistry, a relationship of trust, respect... maybe it is just not a great match. That is okay. Some relationships aren't meant to last or are there to teach us more about us & what we want/need.
I do know the truth is painful & difficult to accept. This is about us, being honest with ourselves, so we can be honest with others. Frustrating in a world of lies/liars.
I perceive a sponsor as an objective sounding board, someone that agrees to step out of themselves, not attach to your problems but to be there to help us work through the Program, sharing w/ u what has worked for them . Just like in therapy, the psychologist listens, helps guide you on your inner journey but only asks us more probing questions about how we feel. I think we all want someone to tell us the answer - but hey - no one wants to be told what to do, so we probably wouldn't listen anyway. At least here in the Program, you will get ESH in return. It sure helps to know what worked for someone else, whether we choose to try the same thing or it gets us thinking about our own solutions that are perfectly right for us.
Nothing works like a cookie-cutter for everyone, all the time. It is always changing, what works for me today might not be effective tomorrow & I'll have to use other techniques.
That is awesome u quit a job you weren't happy in & are interviewing for another. It sounds like you are tweaking away, making changes that will work for you to have more Serenity & peace in your life. Sounds like progress! My growth is sometimes so minute, I take joy in the most microscopic of forward steps. I am impatient & want to rush recovery, just like everything else in my life. Nothing flies on my time, however, I have to turn it over, know it will be in hp's time & while I wait for the answer - try to release expectations for the outcome, just pray I am open & aware of god's responses/ or my intuition.
A huge ACoA issue for me, is having strong inner boundaries, for myself, so that I am "okay" no matter what happens around me. For example, if my friend/family isn't doing well or in a bad mood, it's not on me to cheer them up, it's not b/c of me they are upset. I cannot take on that responsibility. Some days I'm far better at controlling this within myself than on others. Also, wanting to be everything to that special person, I have BTDT... it is impossible & unhealthy. We all need other outlets & other friends. I always want to share everything... no body wants the burden of knowing everything we are working on (the therapy) it is personaly, sometimes very ugly... and as rescuers, we get a little too involved.
IDK if any of this spoke to you, for some reason I really wanted to respond.
Keep working it & focusing on yourself, what you truly need. Putting your life in order will make you a better parent, a better human being.
love & support, a friend in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
yes, so I am 5 yrs behing on my own 'maid tasks & honey do (it for myself) lists. Being reminded of the most obvious things, doesn't help me, it only aggravates me (so it's an opportunity for me to learn patience). A sponsor is just a mixed up person that has made mistakes too. But it is also chemistry, a relationship of trust, respect... maybe it is just not a great match. That is okay. Some relationships aren't meant to last or are there to teach us more about us & what we want/need.