The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to pass along some ESH that may be valuable. Collectively, we need to get past the question of "why?". Why does he/she __________? That blank can be anything for them; however, it is a path that leads to the dangerous places in my head. I have found that keeping the focus on me REQUIRES me to not ask that question. The affected person is going to do odd/weird/terrible things for any variety of reasons -- to keep their focus away from them, to propogate the right to continue to be a victim, to manipulate -- unfortunately, we will never know the motive. never. "Hurt people" hurt people. That is a fact. We need to keep focused on the "hurt" within ourselves, finding remedies that lead to serenity and peace. For me, that is reaching out, talking in the big wide open; letting that garbage in my head spew out --- I AM NOT A VICTIM. That needs to be my focus to maintain anything close to bliss.
"accept the things I cannot change..."
thank you all for being here lots of love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Very good advice but so hard to do. I ask why way too many times. No answers. Yes, and when I take the role of victim then I take the focus off of me. What I have learned from Alanon is that we have choices. Someone said today that you can set your boundaries further out for some people.
Very good ESH. I am not yet at the place where I have stopped asking "Why?" I am stlll having trouble getting over the anger I feel whenever he does the _____________ you are referring to.
Guess I need to work on my program a little more, and get the focus more on me. If I could just remember that the reason why he does what he does is to keep the focus off of himself, maybe I would be able to get the focus on me a little better.
Thanks for sharing this.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Good post, CJ. In a discussion with our family counselor, he said the same thing to me. He pointed out that I often get caught up in the "why", I just want the reaosn, you know, when really, it doesn't matter. What matters is "what is", and that is what I need to learn to deal with
Since he brought it up, it has been interesting to see how it cycles with my kids too. When dealing with thier behavior, there can be so much rhetoric about the "why" of a situation/disagreement that resolution cannot be reached because responsibility is avoided and victimization prevails.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thanks, I think I have stopped thinking about the why. I figured out a while ago that they why doesn't matter. All that matters is what I do for and about me. It doesn't really matter why it is, the point is that it is none the less regardless of the why. I think our logic here is that if we knew why we could fix it right? It is what it is. When I used to get stuck there I would try to always answer with because he is sick... because he incapable of seeing, feeling, etc. that was a good explanation for me that put it back to what am I going to do?
I think when we see people totally destroying themselves it is pretty mind numbing stuff. I also think that denial takes a while to get through. I am sure I am still am in various stages of denial. I work on it daily. I really work on not being available for dysfunction but I probably still am on many reasons.
I also don't think necessarily its my place to tell anyone how to recover. I have a hard enough time with my own recovery. I'm sure many many many people thought for years why did she stay with him but I did. I had my reasons, most of them were fear. I didn't get over them until I was "ready" and oh boy did I need to be "ready".
