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Hi all... we've had lots of great discussion on the board in recent weeks about the subjects of "enabling" and "detachment", so I thought I'd post some great information about both of these items, direct from an expert in the field..... Hope it clarifies some of the misconceptions out there....
Take care,
Tom
p.s. for those of you struggling with a child having addictions, I see that Toby has now written a book specifically aimed for you, entitled "Getting Your Children Sober". If it's anything like her original series, it's likely a valuable book for your recovery.....
The following is posted, with authorization, from Toby Rice Drews, author of the "Getting Them Sober" books on recovery.
In one of the chapters of the book, "Getting Your Children Sober", I wrote about the myths that most counselors believe, that lead them to mis-diagnose and be off-base in the treatment of the families of alcoholics that they have as patients.
Here, I"ve copied and pasted part of that chapter that deals with the myths that therapists often believe, when they are counseling the family where there is alcoholism/addiction---------- (to read several of the chapters from that and three other books, go to the section of this website called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters. If you don't have children or if they don't have problems with addiction/alcoholism, and if you are only dealing with adults with those problems, these chapters will still help you.)
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."
Enabling is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesnt suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!
The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse? The general process goes something like this:
1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.
2) Much of the games stop then, because the alcoholic child knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.
3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them. You begin to see how you gave the alcoholic so much of his or her power. You can take it back!
4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.
5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are beginning to end.
6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. Theyve already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house to not beg.
7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. Theyve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.
9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.
10) You are free.
When I teach parents the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease to detach, and therefore stop their rescuing because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics. All of us stop manipulating and controlling people when we lose our fears of them.
* * *
As a therapist, I try to let parents know that I will gently help them along the not-straight road toward freedom from their fears. I let them know that they do not have to meet a timetable. In fact, I let them know that I am aware that I do not walk in their shoes, that they must be comfortable to make even a small step; that what I will do is love and accept them, even when they vacillate in their ability to detach from the disease.
I let the parents know that I know they will be ready some day. I try to give them the same hope that Al-Anon holds out that my acceptance of them will be part of the healing and will help move them along toward health and the choices that they now can only dream of.
And then, gently, naturally, interventions do happen, because with one hand I provide the healing embrace and comfort of total acceptance and without pressure; while with the other hand, I hold up the mirror of reality and nudge them along ever so gently toward reality.
P.S.------ People sometimes ask me, "well, if he is never home, and if he is supposed to pay my cable tv bill, I am the one who feels deprived, not him, if I don't rescue and pay the bill".
What I reply is, "We all have to use our God-given common sense. There are no totally-black-and-white answers. When alcoholism counselors say, "don't rescue'-----they do not mean that one should NEVER rescue. OF COURSE if you see an alcoholic who has fallen down in the street and is bleeding, you call an ambulance! That is just using your common sense. But what we encounter daily, are the non-life-threatening issues that we need to learn to deal with----------again, in a common-sense way--------
a. if he runs up a bar bill, we often say, "don't pay it for him" b. If he needs his golf course bill paid---------and if he takes clients there who pay him well and that income pays your child's tuition and your mortgage------ then it's often better to pay it! c. if he is supposed to pay the utilities and he does not-------it's often best to pay them so that you have electricity! d. if he is violent-------OF COURSE you FIRST AND LAST------ do or do-not-do what is best, to protect yourself and your children. e. if you are terrified to lose him---------that he would leave if you didn't rescue his bills------- then you must do what YOU want to do------
As one of my chapter titles in my books says, "no one has the right to tell you to leave the alcoholic---------not even your counselor".
We all have the right to heal in our own time, in our own way.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This is a great explaination. As soon as my 31 year old A son releazied that I was not going to clean up after his chaos or even help him when he is too drunk to function, he became furious with me. He has cut off all communication and ended our emails by saying 'you will be sorry one day." First I was in despair, but now my life is easier. I think about him and I wonder what is happening with him, but I am not trying to do anything and that does leave me freer. However, I dread the phone and the mail and coming home because I might find something terrible. Sometimes I feel selfish for having abandoned him, but it is he who raged and cut communication, not me. (His phone is off) I also mourn my sweet boy because I don't know what happened to him and I try to figure out how this happened, but that is a waste of time. I do get jealous when I hear about his class mates and how they are keeping jobs, relationships, children etc. I dream that next time he calls it will be to tell me that he has decided to get help,and he has been sober for a while. Laura
Thanks for this share. I have read and re-read "Getting them sober you can help" many times since starting my program. I do not have a alcoholic child but I would like to read this book anyway I can see it has a lot of helpful passages.
Thanks again for sharing this.
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I have such huge issues with rescue. This week one of the roommates is feeling bad. I postponed the rescue that helps. Another roommate is isolating. I postponed the rescue on that too. I am also really clear that I am not footing the bill on the July 4th barbecue, I paid on Memorial Day! I had no boundaries when I came to al anon. The kindness and compassion in Toby Rice Drew is so helpful. I paid the electricity bill so many times for the A. I also paid the phone bill because I wanted connectivity. When I stopped paying is when things changed (they got much worse of course!). When I stopped remonstrating things changed. I wish I had constructed a better plan b, got out sooner, whatever. I did what I could when I could.
For those of us who are codependent rescue feels so natural. I know for me proving my love, friendship, loyalty was the be all and end all. Now it isn't. My options are the key for me. I do not live in a good place, do not have a good job, do not look good (I am 50 Plus lbs overweight). I am working on all those things. I am also trying to have a social life rather than try to numb myself by isolating. All those things help.
For me al anon took a long long while to sink it. I had to keep putting myself out there. Abandonment was a huge issue for me. Toby Rice Drew is very very kind and supportive over that. I abandoned myself my whole life now I work on not doing that. I stick up for myself now. I did not before. I value my time and energy I gave it away before. I did anything not to be abandoned. Now I have al anon and in this room I always have somewhere to come and be heard and be valued.
The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house. 