The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, So here I am all grown up and mature. Self reflective and saddned by my weaknesses and having developed skills to combat them to some extent.
So my question is...? Yes, I grew up in isolation and chaos with two alcoholic parents who where both likely personality disordered or mentally ill in addition to their alcoholism. I had two younger sisters who also experienced this.
Well what do I do now? Be super together person? Be super normal person? Be super kind person? Be super grumpy full of pain person? Be super achiever office woman? Be great artist woman? Be great mother wife woman? How do I act if I am not an alcoholic and not mentally ill? Super athletic health freak? Everyday is a guess at how I should act. Like dress rehersal.
I have no real role models for how to live in recovery. I started Alanon in my late teens and have been to three years of intensive therapy which has saved my life. And also therapy as issues have come up.
I have a masters and speak french and another language in addition to english. I can paint and draw respectably well and write interestingly enough. I could probally earn my living as a tarrot reader if I set my mind to this as I have some talent in this area of being a visionary. I have worked in an office environment and with wealthy clients and often have found myself in jobs where I am in kind of a semi-communications kinda role. I love not being grammatically correct.
I was eating dinner with my husband and baby last night. We had pizza. It was really cute how our two year old son enjoys his pizza. We gave him applesauce afterward and me and my husband enjoyed some icecream. I had a momment of pure happiness at our kitchen table.
Soooo, even though I do not have alcoholism or mental illness and limited contact with my family of origin. I still struggle with just regular life. I guess we all do. I know that we all struggle, even people with more support and stability. I think it has put me at a disatvantage my past. I try to look at it as an asset. Like a funny New Yorker cartoon. I imagine a New Yorker cartoon where the child tells the parent, "gosh, thanks for the miserable childhood mom and dad, it really made me put things in persepective."
junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
There are situations we can change, and there are those we cannot. Our childhood comes under the "cannot" heading. Remember? "...accept the things I cannot change." I believe that neither our childhood experience nor our environment has much to do, ultimately, with how we choose to live. No one is to blame for the choices we make.
It was Abraham Lincoln who said, "We are all about as happy as we make up our minds to be." So wise and so true.
I wish you well,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes Diva, I love Bette Midler by the way, all those years thinking of her dressed ups as a mermaid, riding around on a golf cart in drag review shows in gay bathe houses in New York city during her youth, belting out tunes, gets me all choked up.
So lets see, yes happiness is sometimes how I feel. but also a lot of grieving, as grieving is a big part of most cultures and life. I remind people of that because in Alanon grieving is sometimes considered a flaw when I consider it an asset.
What I am trying to say is more about behavior than feelings. So when you are inventing life as you go along its not always easy to decide what to do. Most people just do what there parents did and I don't have the luxory of that.
Anyhoo, for now all is well its just something I realized that I need to make some hard choices of how I want to live my life. I do not drink and sleep well and am in a good marriage and my two year old son is delightful so the foundations are okay.
Peace and love junehouse8
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
I can totally appreciate your post - and feel the One Day At A Time slogan so strongly in what you are saying. That's all we have. I posted my story on here yesterday, and have received some wonderful replies. All we can do is shape each day with what we have.
I can relate to your ideas of "Who am I and how am I supposed to act?" as well. I feel like that a lot, too. I grew up the rebellious teenager, bitter and revengeful. That got me no where but miserable. With my AH, I refuse to allow my children to grow up they way I did, watching my father drunk and my mother cry - soooo, that is who I am. The protective mother, always fighting to keep serenity in our home. For now, that is all I can do.
Thank you for your share - it is truly a beautiful thing that someone who grew up in such a stressful atmosphere could turn out so insightful.
"... in Alanon grieving is sometimes considered a flaw when I consider it an asset."
Yikes!!! This is something I have never heard before. Grieving considered a flaw???? Grieving is as natural and normal as feelings can get. In fact, grieving is a healthy release. You bet grieving is an, "asset." Following it through to its natural end allows us to regain our joy in life. IF AlAnon considers grief a "flaw", I am headed for the door marked "EXIT."
Please do not take my remarks to be offensive or hurtful. I am sometimes quite to the point. Hang around here long enough and you will begin to understand that I am an ole softie with an outer coating of bravado!! LOL!!
By the way, do you speak Russian? It is my second language.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It sounds like you are very very compassionate and loving towards your child.
I agree it is a tall order to live in the world when you have been incredibly deprived. You can change how you feel about it though. 3 years is actually not that long in therapy. Al anon is a great primer for learning skills.
Sounds like you have made an incredible success of life to me. I think its phenomenal that you can "mother" after not having been mothered.
For me one of the huge trade-0ff's in being in the world is that I don't routinely disclose I was abused as a child (been there done that). I also nowadays no longer assume anyone got a "normal" upbringing. When I dig or hear other people eventually I hear they had some dysfunctional background in there. I know not everyone has an "out there" background but lots of people have various levels of dysfunction.
I think for me there will always be grief about my childhood in there, different levels to grieve. I not only did not have a mother and father as a child, I didn'thave them as an adult either. I had to invent ways to get things and that makes me very creative and adaptable.
Don't settle be kind to yourself. Remember how much you have already accomplished and stretch yourself to go further.
I enjoyed your post, and it is definitely a thought-maker.....
Many times I seem to feel like I am the "shop steward or defender" of Al-Anon, but......
"... in Alanon grieving is sometimes considered a flaw when I consider it an asset."
Al-Anon does no such thing..... now "some people" within Al-Anon, or anywhere else, could be a completely different story..... What I got taught in Al-Anon, which was very helpful, was a simple guideline.....
"It is okay to look at your past, just don't stare"....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember being there on the grief thingy. Yeah at times I didn't know how to and at other times I was to ashamed to. I didn't want to seem too weak or something like that but if you hang with the honest courageous member you learn that grieving is like celebrating a real event; a loss or a sadness. It's okay to let others have their characters and personalities and nothing more. At one time I didn't grieve and thought that others who did were scarey and whiners and then the losses and saddnesses in my life started to burp to the surface and I couldn't handle it with bravado...others taught me to grieve and get over.
Deciding who I was and am and who and what I want to happen to me is call choices pure and simple and simple is best. One of my sponsors taught me a very simple way to decide the who, what, where and why of my life. He said "Jerry F...why not choose the consequences you want and then do the action to get there." That's how planners do things...not reactors. I are a reactor a counter puncher...something has to happen before I go or otherwise I stand around scratching my head getting ticked off that life is passing right before my eyes and nothing is happending in my life. I gotta decide what I want to happen in my life first and then take the action. That's turning out to be my daily work. Get my daily planner...got some choice writing to do.
My precious new friend, the most amazing part of this program is realizing it's not about your parents, it's about you. The most powerful gift is that you have today, some never made it through without becoming terribly ill. You have a lovely husband and baby. Just for today, count your blessings. Write them down, say them out loud. Accept the gift of today. Realize you have choices, learn to use them. Believe that others have walked in your shoes. Reach for the courage, strength and hope this program offers. Let go of the blame, shame and anger of the past. The rest will follow in learning what works for you and what was just bad behavior. No one here expects you to have all the answers. You are a precious child of the HP whom I call God. You are worth so much more in life. Take what you like for today and leave the rest. For once in your life, you have choices!! Glad you are here, welcome home.
Hello, I am in a position to make some serious choices about work and family. Previous to having a kid at 42 I had mostly worked full-time and painted on the side. Was never a big cook or housekeeper kind of person but like things mostly neat and sitting around the table at dinnertime. But I am not spending all my time making the inside of every cupboard organized and lined with paper or anything.
So now that Fred is two and I have reliable daycare I am thinking I would like to get a fulltime job again. I currently work part-time. But I don't want him in daycare until 6 everyday until he is a teenager so this means that realistically I can not work full-time and be there for Fred. It would be different if I had family or even if he had a sibling and a babysitter at home. I just don't want him alone that much growing up.
So I am faced with just working part-time as possible and spending my evenings with the family and not painting very much maybe just a Sunday afternoon painter kinda thing. Both a sacrifice for money not working full-time and not painting to spend time with fred and eat dinner together every evening. I am just realizing the choices I will need to make in order to use my time wisely.
When I was growing up my mother never worked but drank and kinda did what she liked but was not trying to create a family life for us and my father worked nights for years and always worked overtime and did not invest in a family life. Than after they divorced my mother was even less involved and I had a lot of responsibilities with household duties and my father was not around. I guess after further thought I am realizing the choice you have to make to have a normal family life and still earn enough money to pay bills and have some time to yourself.
I am just facing the reality of making choices. And because I did not have kids younger I did not have to make many choices like this. I am happy to have Fred he is a delight. He helped me understand things a lot better. I am not a very confident mother but am responsible. I did not grow up with parents who seemed to take responsibility and liked to do their own thing. It was really painful to be on the receiving end of being ignored or neglected I think is a better word.
Anyway, all is well and we are having a great summer taking walks in the evening and watching seinfeld on dvd and other dvd's in the evening and hope to take small weekend trips once or twice and work on editing a book i wrote and my fantasy is to work on it a little in the morning.
jh
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
I think actually "most people" have a pretty unexamined life. The great gift for me in Al anon is to examine my life and look at my part in it. Personally I am no longer that concerned with what the A did (I have looked at that long and hard) I'm more interested in what I did, how did I respond, how did I make choices. That is a gift.
I think its heroic that you are willing to look at the choices ahead of you. I don't think most people do that. I think most people while they may have better upbringings never actually hold themselves accountable, you are, that's phenomenal.
