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AH is home from his stay in jail/work release. Has been since Saturday. He hasn't drank much, a couple beers the day he got home. Anyways, he tells me tonight "Just so you know, if I want to have a couple beers at night, I'm gonna." I tell him that I can't control what he does or doesn't do, I just hope it's not a day when/if his probation officer stops over.
I wanted so bad to tell him how selfish I think that comment is!! The thought that he is actually willing to chance putting his kids through HELL again, just so he can have a couple beers!! It INFURIATES me! But I didn't say anything, I came right to my computer to run this by all of you....
I did tell him when he got home that if there is another problem with the law that the kids and I are leaving. He said "yeah right, you love me to much!!" He's right...I do love him, but I refuse to have my kids go through this ever again!!!
So should I tell him how selfish I think he is....or not?? I know if I do that he will get defensive and it will start an arguement. But it makes me sooo mad!
People are gonna do what they are gonna do whether we tell them they are selfish or not.
I my humble opinion, nothing is gained by pointing out something like that. Deep down they either know it already..and if they don't someone else telling them will not make them see it. I find for me, its just not worth the effort, accomplishes little and just "stirs up the pot" when I do things like that.
I try to divert my attention from those negative feelings towards someone else by thinking about something positive, calling a program friend..or posting on this board! ... just like you did!!!
My problem is that I can't stop myself from saying it, and it adds to the tension and hostility. If you can stop yourslef, I highly reccomend it. It's really a shame though. I have been so mad at the A and his lame ways, feelings of helplessness. I have considered calling the police and reporting him as a drunk driver when I know he's out because I so badly want it to end. Sorry, I don't know if any of that helped you. But it helped me :) thanks
It really upsets me though. We are not living in the dark ages where women sat helplessly by while their husbands behaved like jackases. It's just that we already know...it wont help.
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 02:34, 2008-06-05
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Remember how we can only change ourselves,look at our own inventory?
Now if you wanted to set a boundary,ex: If you choose to cont.to use,and the law is involved again, the kids and I are leaving.
But make sure you mean it. Chances are he will be in a mess again.once they cross that line, it is easier to mess up again.
Maybe it is time to put money away, plan what you will do if and when that time comes. It is ever so much easier than walking away to no security.It is hard enough to lose your home and the dream of your marriage.
Have a friend or family member set up so you are welcomed there.If you have pets, have a plan for them too. Have big back packs or whatever ready for you and the kids.t brushes cloths,toys etc.
In case things get bad, have an extra car key in your vehicle hidden.Or have one outside somewhere.
Knowing you have an out,helps one to stick to the boundary.
sending you lots of love. I know too well the pain you feel.
Would it make a difference if you told him? IMHO probably not. This disease doesn't allow them to feel the same things we do. The only way it would make a difference is if he was actually ready to seek recovery. Remember an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Meanwhile you did good not saying anything. It's hard, but in the long run it has made my life easier. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I agree with deb - keep the focus on you, and what you will do if you need to leave.
Now, if it would WORK.... If you were to say "That is so selfish, think of the kids" and he'd say "Gee, I never thought of that - OK, no problem, I won't drink" then, sure, there would be a reason to say it. However, I know how unlikely that would have been in my life, bet it's about the same for you.
TMA, I know you are in a difficult place right now. You probably had a little relief while he was away and may have gotten used to that a somewhat. I know I did when I went through that. Then when he got home I felt resentful toward him and his attitude about what he "going to do". I felt like, did you not realize that you were just in jail because YOU did something wrong. I felt like he had gotten nothing out of his time in jail. My AH did everything he could to slide by because he was also on probation. I also felt like he should have been a little more grateful that the kids and I hadn't left him while he had been in jail. But he was none of those things and I realize now that I had expectations of him that he couldn't live up to because he was self absorbed. The alcoholic he had always been was there and wasn't going away until he sought out help. My wants, hopes and desires were just those, MINE. He was living inside himself and for himself because he knew I would always be there. I could do nothing to make him change his way of thinking, I could only change me. I began by writing in a journal, I have so many of them. I would have a few moments ever so often and I would write down all of the things I wanted to say to him, using all kinds of !'s and capital letters to make my points in my journal. It helped me release those thoughts from inside my head so they weren't all crammed in there taking up my abilities to maintain myself in my everyday life. My journal writing is written in the format of a letter to my AH, which he will never ever read and that's ok with me as long as I get those things out of my head. Now as far as this verbal abuse. Yes I went through that too BUT my AH escalated to physical abuse and I had to call the police and he was arrested and put in jail. Before it had escalated to that, I was always scared when he would verbally attack me. I was always so tempted to "speak my mind" while he was being so cruel but I always held my tongue. Your safety is number 1. Look at it like this, IF something were to happen to you who would take care of your kids? That seriously motivated me to take steps to ensure my safety. We are all different and deal with our own situation the way we choose. One other suggestion I would add to the above things is make sure you have money!!! I can not stress that enough. Those are just my opinions. But please keep coming back because no matter how you decide to handle your situation, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! To support you in what ever you decide. We love you and only want the best for you...Good luck!
THINK...reminders for us when deciding what to say...is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary or kind? If not, what is the motivation behind those words.
I personally wouldn't want to be on a diet and have someone eat fudge in front of me. Just my feelings on drinking in front of him while he is working so hard to get his mind and body on a healthy track.
Hope this helps.
So often we don't even realize when we are setting land mines.
Glad you are thinking of you and your children. Thank you for posting.
If he is anything like my AH (they all have such similar traits) he already knows how you feel. When I have aired my feelings rooted from anger to my husband, all they have done is create more drama. The anger he lashed out at me with stemmed from his guilt (he told me later) and the fact that me telling him how I felt only made him more angry at his disease, and he lashed out at me and my kids. Unfortunately telling him how I felt only made things worse. That is why I turned to Alanon; no one gets angry at me here for saying how I really feel. Keep comin' back.
What you said is right, but you still have your regrets for not saying anything and thats what you should work on. We have to work on really meaning what we say, If you really mean you will leave if it happens again, then you should stick to that too. I know from experience, I have made so many threats that the A doesnt beleive me, but last nite he called me from jail for his first dui,we have been married 26 years and drinks every day of his life, it was midnite, I told him congratulations, hung up and went back to sleep. He is still there and he will have to take the action to get himself out of it. He just got out of detox 3 days ago, he was back at it by the 2nd day, he fell over the banister of the stairs hit his head, I thought he was dead, I called the Paramedics and they took him to ER, released him in a few hours, now he is in jail, best place for him right now. Los Angeles has strict DUI laws, so he will sober up there at least for a few days. Live it one day at a time. I don't do drama anymore, and his drinking is not my problem. My suggestion, do not depend on an A, thats been my motto and Im so glad I have, I dont financially depend on him.
Thank you all for your ESH. I did not say anything and it felt good to avoid the confrontation. We are on week 2 of him being home and everything has been good. We leave Friday for a family vacation that has been planned for months....hopefully it will do all of us some good to get a away for awhile.
just like you did!!!
