The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sick and tired of him coming home "dead tired" and immediately sucking down as many beers as possible. There is no room for anything else between us. Yes, I know I'm lucky he's not at bars or beating me but ughh!!
Then he wakes up in the mornings (with barely enough time to walk out the door) if we do discuss anything at all in the morning he is all reasonable and decent---just enough to keep me hooked- keep me thinking Wow if I could be with that person, maybe if he gets into recovery bla bla bla..then by the time he comes home at night it's the same old disappointment.
Weekends are spent hoping I get a few minutes/ just some interaction with the "clear headed" BF not the dazed, in a fog, waiting till he can start drinking B/F. That is so hit and miss. Mostly miss...especially when he's under stress from making bad decisions, due to drinking .... cycle....
The clear headed guy is great but the other only just pisses me off!!
I really do want to give up:
Even that old feeling of wow, if I give up he may get it together then I will really be sad, what if I just, work on me, give to hp, find other ways to be happy in the meantime. - Dang I keep messing that plan up by seeing a little progress or hope in him and then trying too hard- getting disappointed and frustrated. I know that plan might work (or might not) but I am having such a struggle not wanting it faster.
I feel like my life, no wait... NOT I feel like- My life is literally slipping away while this happens.
NOW the real bottom line: I know I'm a mess from hoping... wanting... living with this, not being healthy for so long. So I know I will be somewhat of a mess for a while regardless of being with him or not. I am disappointed in me too. But the plan of "getting me together" through alanon and then making a decision about us seems to be hitting severe snags.
The idea of thinking we could seperate I get myself together and then see what happens between us is unlikely. Mostly because of him but because if I get myself together I am NEVER going back to anything like this ever again!!
I know once I totally seperate that will probably be it. Just because I know him and our past seperations.
He works on nothing and just gets himself into really more yuky situations. His mom and her setting him up to fail and then wondering why in the world her adult son can't be more adult is really a pain!!
The last time we seperated, he had briefly mentioned that he wanted to get his life together, get a place of his own, then us get back together- this was a weird time-he didn't want me to date other people but was just "vegatating" at his mom's (let me be clear:vegatating means emotionally, she had him painting the house, carpeting her house and who knows what else, but when she wasn't working him he exerted no effort toward me)-he of course didn't say he was looking for others... but we certainly were not maintaining the kind of contact that would make one think he was NOT...HE didn't call to talk, we were actually going to counseling-he missed some seessions- and he really didn't open up to counselor at all- or to me even make it clear in the sessions what he wanted to come out of them. He broke dates with me (saying he was too tired or depressed) and just "blew me off" all the time. Every day, night , week, me trying to take care of my work, house and me but wondering what direction I was going.
I spent alot of nights alone-I wanted to start a different social life (non dating) but didn't even know where a person with no friends would start WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN OF ALANON THEN!!!
oh let's just embarrass me a little here and say that he did manage to come over on some weekends - and that was enough to keep me hooked- but looking back (I think I knew it then too) it was of course just for sex..who knows why I let that happen, who knows why I let it happen now, but it kept me hoping ... maybe.. HE KNOWS REALLY WELL HOW TO hurt with distance and then give just enough to keep you hooked so he can HURT WITH DISTANCE AGAIN! this is what his family has done to him but why am I letting him do it to me.
Anyway back during that break up, he all of a sudden is gonna get about two thousand dollars from an old job severence type deal. Guess what.. instead of using that to get set up on his own his mom was talking to him about buying a "pop-up" trailer to take to his dirt bike races.. What the heck was that gonna be his new home in her back yard or was he gonna take up permenant residence in her spare bedroom? Why would a MOM encourage her 38 year old son to do something so irresponsible when he had no home, savings or plan
Was she gonna keep him forever OR since leaving and returning to spouses is just their way of life.. was she assuming we would get back together sooner or later or was she waiting for the next girl? There was some mention of her "running into" his old high school flame at this time- but supposidly he wasn't interested, maybe she didn't have what he wants (who the heck knows that sincerely is) for him or maybe she was ughly or something???
Ughh... this life sucks with him but I suck so bad myself right now...Know I would be better and get better faster on my own...But even though I've said all this I know he has the "potential" to get better really fast too...
i AM SO LAUGHING AT MYSELF FOR THAT LAST LINE!! It's true but how stupid of me to think it will ever happen after five years of this poop!
all these IF's ... If he could see the impact of his relationship with his mom- if he would make any effort to deal with that in a healthy way, he might not drink so much and IF he didn't drink...Ugh!!!
One thing for sure .. a long time ago I asked God to show me "if we can't make it as a couple, please just show me why.. because I felt I was trying so hard (obvioulsy too hard) well I got my answers.. because our lives are insane due to alcohol, because he has severe emotional issues and won't look at them- NOW I need to ask him to give me the peace of mind to take the action I need to take to improve my life. God grant me the "peace of mind" to accept the things I can not change, and the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Please God let those not just be words for me, please God let me take it to heart... I am willing in my mind- change in me what needs to be changed to help me be willing in my actions.
and if it is your will please relieve me of this desire for my BF to understand / see / feel all of this!
His mom is the best at that emotional tug of war and getting close and backing off and I know she did alot of not accepting his hugs as a little child and stuff much worse as far as emotional connection... BUT I am the only one looking at that connection, I am the only one with motivation to understand it and make it better and by the way, for the last few years she has been doing so much of that giving just enough to keep HIM hooked emotioanl tug of war that he is soo far up hers right now that it is ridiculous---just exactly like I am so far up his.... she calls like 4 times a day- tells us where to go or not go on every date, is in every little detail of his life. Calls him when he is out of town on work trips at night to see if he "made it okay" ---he is like her little puppet.... If I were him I'd crawl under a rock if my mom treated me like a 6 year old. He seems to Love it... he want's her love so badly! I guess.. or it seems.. would make sense. don't blame him but YUK!
Maybe that's why I want his love so badly because he "dangels in in may face- just out of my reach). Which is exactly what his MOM did/ does to him. I think if I make myself think about it except for "fixing it" making it better AND his little "efforts" like seeming to care and seeming to be awake alive and alert at times.... which are lame disgusting efforts just to keep me hooked so he can hurt me with the distance again, except for those I don't want his love at all. I don't want the distance and the drinking and the weird disgusting connection / lack of real connection with his mom. It messes up times that could be happy times for me!
Oh and he mentions her all the time -- like someone would metion an ex- girlfriend that they were still hung up on, it's gross!!! Like if I do manage to position myself on the couch and put his head in my lap- try to joke or talk with him lightly or rub his head ---NEXT THING i KNOW HER NAME COMES Up!!!
Ughh... this life sucks with him but I suck so bad myself right now...Know I would be better and get better faster on my own...But even though I've said all this I know he has the "potential" to get better really fast too...
So often we already know the answer. Next step is having courage, strength and hope to carry it out. The only way we can keep from repeating the insanity is to stop repeating the process. Good luck to you in working the program. Glad you are here. Remember you can't fix someone else, you can however, fix you with help.
What happens when you air your dirty laundry? Depends on where you air it. Doing it here is perfectly fine. It is the right place among people who understand and will not judge you. Doing so out there in the general population, maybe not such a good idea. Took me a few times of telling outsiders about my dirty laundry and having them beat me with that info before I got that I can't trust those that do not understand with that kind of info. Live and learn. I even lost a job because I shared with the boss that my AH was a crack addict who was at the time out on a binge and that was why I had cancelled a rehersal. Whoops!
Your issues with your bf sound very common. And his mommy issues (ew!) would be a major pain in the fanny. My ex had mommy issues also but they went a much more dark root. He hated her but had "dreams" about her. Treated her with absolute disrespect and loathing and she ate it up. It was a very sick, VERY sick relationship. Something I should have paid attention to but again I will just say Whoops! Now I know better, now I can do better.
My ex MIL wanted ex to live with her. She even searched out his old GF's and gave them our # when I was 8 months pregnant with baby #3. She LOVED when he was using because he would move in with her. She always told him "I don't care if you're a drug addict or not just pick a path and stick with it." She is a very,VERY sick woman. On many levels.
All I could do is walk away and never have contact with those people again. UGH. Just UGH.
I stopped coming to alanon for about a year because I saw that I was growing and changing and he wasn't and I knew that of I stayed on the path of recovery that I was on at the time, I wouldn't be able to stay with him. So, I stopped, I yet again chose him over me. I yet again bowed down to him as my HP and put myself and God on a back burner and let the AH lead the way into almost complete distruction of myself.
You sound like you are comming out of denile, the fog is lifting and you are desiring something real for yourself. That is all good stuff and scarey too. Keep moving forward. Keep going glad, you're getting there!
I can relate to the place you are in very much. Believe it or not being stuck at certain points is progress. I think it takes time and lots of practice for this progam to kick in. I was in there with the ambivalence for a long time. Ambivalence is progress from total denial. Remember progress not perfection.
I became obsessed with the A's mother because well he was obsessed with trying to control her. I also became very angry at her because of her charactor defects. I tried to set limits and to some extent they were successful but A's are very good at hooking you in there. These days I rarely even think about her, funny after spending 7 years with her being part of every moment now she is totally out of the picture. I don't even wonder how she is! I do wonder how the A is but I don't act on it.
Keep posting, keep working your program you are making forward progress.
And of course stop beating yourself up. Put down the stick, pick up the mirror, be kind to yourself you have been to hell and back.
this is a great place to put it out there. I now have a few people in my life who I am candid with but I am not as open with people I meet regularly anymore. I call that boundaries.
Had lunch with BF just now. Told him I was giving up on two things in my life.
1. Wanting to be "with" him every night and weekend and him spending his time with the beer can.
2. Wanting to resolve some emotional distance issues-want to know how he feels and where he is "at" with us. Permenantly... five years is long enough to wonder.
Told him I want both of us in recovery and want to know he is as committed to a real healthy relationship as I am or I want to stop our relationship. Also told him it's not about wanting to be single or wanting anyone else. It is about being sure I don't want active drinking/ alcohol without recovery and emotional distance as part of MY life. Told him I do want him in my life but won't accept the other two and as of today my life changes.
He said he would come home without beer and we would "talk" but he wouldn't be "forced" into going to a Alanon / or / AA meeting. At this moment I don't feel one night of not drinking or "talking" will be enough like I said he knows just how to give enough to keep me hooked- then same old same old.. we will see?
Also he might think about it an go to a meeting - he often says strong NO then when has time to reflect and make up his own mind what is best will agree with what I suggest. I know he has issues with control( his MOM tells his stepdad what to do like a million times a day and he does it right away) it's sad! so I know his strong cocerns and feel for him but my well being must be put over his control issues this time. This is one time he needs to set that aside and be willing to give.
A's get bored with our threats/words and the following inaction..... and who can blame them? I threatened my ex 1000 times with what I was "gonna do", and seldom followed through..... It's a process that not only makes them feel like they are in control, but can often contribute to our feelings of worthlessness and challenge our self-esteem....
I'm worried... for you... that you have lots of "expectations" of how this could/should/might work out, and not sure if you are ready to follow through one what you've said you're going to do....
Remember that active A's HATE when we get better.... they are much more comfortable when we are still in that sick cycle with them....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When I was married and used to talk to my MIL about what horrors I was experiencing with her son on that day ( I did hair for 18 yrs, color being my specialty, so I saw her every month & called her when ever I wanted. She also - while I was married to her son - gave me an open ended invitation to stay with her, if I ever wanted ( I never did but) she knew who and what her son was, he bullied & verbally abused her!)... once or twice, early on, she asked me, "don't you feel ashamed?"
Wow, what archaic thinking! Ashamed that I was talking about being verbally abused, living w/ an addict... "No."
Holding in our abuse, protecting our abuser... secrets & shame keep us very sick. To answer your question... healthy people say, "oh that stinks, get it away." I was married, determined to force things to work out. It is very easy to not know what it is like to be manipulated slowly by an alkie or addict and point the finger. Much more difficult to be in love with someone slowly killing themselves & taking you down along for the ride.
I try to think often of this fact: A's don't love themselves, so if you love them they really think you are crap.
In my ESH... I was always sharing WAY too much w/ other people, including the A's. The more you confront them & make demands, the better at manipulating & lying to you they become.
They are in denial, lie to themselves constantly. If you say something & don't do it, they believe you are as big of a liar as they are.
I was going to suggest, making some small boundaries ans stick to them. But then, when i re-read your post saw you had lunch & talked. You have drawn a line, I pray you have the strength to follow through and what you said ~ otherwise it all just becomes idle threats.
Remember, expectations are pre-meditated resentments. It is important that we are clear in all of our relationships.
Below, I'll post the 6 guidelines for setting boundaries:
1. Have clearly defined expectations (think about what you want & need). 2. Clearly define the consequences that you can make that don't disrupt ur serenity. ( Make certain you can follow through on your consequence). 3. Set & establish them clearly within your own mind. 4. Communicate them clearly to other person. 5. Enforce them consistently and without fail. 6. Without regard for the relationship, in other words, release any expectations or projections.
When I was a lil kid say 2 on up... say mom would take me to an appt she had. She'd say... ' " we are going here, to do this/that. i expect you to act quiet, behaved (or wtvr she wanted). If you do what I ask, we will get ice cream (or movie or some other reward) if not I would suffer some consequence on not get the reward.
She also would ask me to repeat what she said back to her, to make sure I understood.
I have used that technique of 'now please tell me what you have understood of what I said' all of my life, in business & my personal life. It really helps b/c we all have such different perceptions.
Good luck to you & keep coming back. You deserve the very best!
love in recovery, -k
-- Edited by kitty at 18:20, 2008-06-04
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
She is a very,VERY sick woman. On many levels.