The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Another question from a newbie. Is seeking out Al-Anon support something that one can discuss with the A ... or do you just do your own part and say nothing?
That is really a personal question... only you will have a feel for how that will go over.
Some people who seek out Al-Anon support are in fear for their lives... and at risk for abuse. I personally was not meek at all about telling my now ex-wife about the meetings I was going to. She found them very threatening... especially as I got healthier...
We do it for us... it is not for or against them... however I don't feel qualified to tell anyone else how close to keep their attendence to their vest. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think that therapy is painful, personal, private. I always want to share everything but we have such different, deep & complicated issues from each other.
I have sat in many open AA & NA mtgs. To me... an ACoA, with codependent issues... even my issues are unique to being born into this disease, compared to someone that marries into it.
I think alcoholics sound unique from addicts - the same in that they have a compusive disease; they both will lie through their teeth to get what they want... ok, maybe this tangent is irrelevant.
I don't know if 2 healthy people in therapy could take or would want to know all the issues we deal with.
I am learning to think of it like spirituality... it is between me & god as I understand it. It is hard enough for me to take, work through... idk... I've heard stories of great violence when the A found out the spouse was getting therapy.
When I was married to my exAH he "would not allow me" to get therapy, said he "didn't want me talking about him." That shows he knew what he was doing was 'wrong' but this Program is about me, not them.
I would be very careful w/ what I shared with an A, at this point I whole heartedly feel, the less I say to them the better.
You have to make a determination & decide what is right or best for you.
Stick with it, glad to see u post again!!!
love, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can only ell you my ESH which might not fit your situation. When i tried to affect the A's situation and make him do anything I lost out. When I focussed totally on my own recovery I stopped wanting the A to know about my recovery When I stopped arguing with the A no matter what it helped. When I stopped wanting him to be affected by me it helped. I did not discuss recovery with the A after a while because he immediately attributed all the problems to me. In fact when I went to therapy he happily went and told everyone how much better things were (his disease was progressing regardless). He was super happy to attribute everything wrong with the relationship to me, still is I am sure (although I don't ask his opinion these days). I don't think there is a hard and fast rule.
One of the slogans in Al anon is to get busy and when I got busy I got better.
i still slip and slide all over the place. I do better. I used to drown in this stuff now I manage it sometimes better than others but I manage where once I was simply paralyzed and totally drowing in this material. I also absolutely second guessed myself and doubted myself daily.
I got into this program after my A sobered up, so it was not a problem - he went to his meetings, I went to mine. To some extent we discussed 'program' together - not our own personal journeys, but our feelings and ideas about the program in general, our interpretations of various things, that kind of thing.
I considered going to alanon years before, when his drinking was at its worst (didn't because I was scared, and because of babysitting, etc). I would have kept it a secret then, out of fear. Maybe after a while I would have become healthy enough to realize what that fear meant.
Don't feel guilty about doing whatever feels right to you. You have the right to take care of yourself, and that may mean keeping alanon a secret, at least for a while.
It's a very personal decision. My AH encouraged me when he was sober. Once in a while when he was active again, he would throw it in my face. But for the most part he has been supportive. I think it depends on your situation. If you feel unsafe in any way, then I would not bring it up. Sometimes people risk their lives to get to a meeting. If you feel like it would only cause more angst in your household, then you may choose not too. We are not in your shoes. So we don't offer advise. It's like telling anyone else that you are in therapy or are being treated for something private. I do this for me, not for anyone else. I don't tell everyone (including some of my closest friends) that I attend meetings. It's not that I don't care about them or they would judge me. They wouldn't. It's just not something I bring up. The decision has to be yours. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I went to an open AA meeting Mon nite. The A's were kidding me about attending. Some said that they needed to be in AA and Alanon because of their spouses. They also said that they were giving family members the Alanon book to learn about coping with an alcoholic. So I think it can be discussed depending on your situation.
Totally depends on your situation. In my case my A gives healthy sounding bla bla responses. Of course he likes the fact that I take responsibility for my actions. BUT bottom line is yes we are both sick but he brought the sickness into our home, and I let him because of my already present codependent issues.
He always says he knows it's a problem (probably just to "appear healthy" he's all about appearing to be the good guy) lies like the person before me stated!! but he sure as heck is making no steps to actaully get into recovery.
So this brings us back to it has to be for us. Best if we neither "throw it in their faces" or hide it from them.
Bottom line for me: I get the most out of it when I sincerely make it clear to myself and him that it's about learning better ways to cope with my life than the ones that are making my life difficult.- Wow, do I have my ups and downs with that!
Lots of good replies here.... I am a guy, so I didn't have the (physical) fear of retaliation from my A-wife, but certainly know of some women who DID fear their A-husbands.... That being said, when my wife was active, she was quite verbally abusive about me going to Al-Anon, telling me what a loser I was, or how she wasn't really an A, or I was there to embarrass her, etc., etc.....
I guess it boils down to doing what is right for your unique set of circumstances..... I wouldn't ask "permission" to go, nor would I spend a lot of time explaining why you feel you need to go..... Al-Anon is for you..... NOT for him.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Again, thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with me. That night, we had a good talk. I felt that if I hid this from him, it would be the beginning of the end. I mentioned that I asked a question to an Al-Anon website. He was fine with it. It opened up the topic of his past experiences attending AA meetings and whether he had sought Al-Anon meetings in the past ... for his own relationship with his family members. The long and short of it is that I feel better about everything since I first ventured on this website this week. It has opened my world up to the range of pain and suffering caused by this disease and to the great support system this site provides. It's comforting to me to know it is here. And if I ever need to go to an Al-Anon meeting, I will not hesitate to go.
