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Hi everyone. I'm new to the board. My friend is 19 yrs clean and has been a godsend to me. So here's my story...
Both my sons are 21 and 18. I'm in a second marriage on 4 years now to a wonderful and loving man. We were introduced by my oldest and his middle son. My oldest son Nick (now 21) has always been draining and a challange to deal with is whole life. But I managed to deal with it. At 16 he became worse to a point where violence became something new I had to fear. He gave me the big "f u" and went to live with his father. Nick blamed my husband and said I chose him over my son. Nick only lasted at his Dad's for 3 difficult months there. He went on to live with friends and living to his own demise. Drinking, etc. My parents no longer talk to Nick because he stole out of the company warehouse (wire). He wasn't caught but his friends were. He threatened me to help pay for his repossessed car, I refused and both my cars were sugared in the gas tanks. It goes on and on. He has a very dark soul. To make more mental injury, he and his girlfriend were expecting a baby. I tried to make amends of my relationship for the baby's sake. Started a relationship with Megan (the gfriend). I did more enabling of course so I can help them start a decent life. And because he looked to be heading in the right direction. But he drinks constantly. He even told me he drinks because he is so unhappy. Her parents pressure him, etc.
So Memorial day came. We had a houseful of friends and family there. Nick asked if he could stop by with Megan. I said sure. He came with a "suitcase" of Coors Light. I thought to myself this wasn't going to be good. Within an hour he downed 4 beers but seemed to leave us to enjoy our BBQ. I was in the kitchen getting food ready to serve. My husband was flipping burgers.
To put yet another spin on things... my other son Jordan is 18 and in the past year or so getting more and more involved in drinking. I suspect he is into drugs too. He has anger issues in the past that my husband, Jordan and myself have gone to couseling together for. Jordan had been with Nick earlier at another BBQ. So when they came to my house (Jordan lives with me) both didn't look right to me. I thougth Jordan was looking through me and had a chip on his shoulder. He wasn't socializing either.
The explosion Monday started when Jordan when upstairs on the deck to get a burger. My husband said, "can't you wait till we put the food out?". Jordan blew up and went to sit in his car. Nick blew up and started bashing things in the yard and then ran to attack my husband. My husband was clueless until Nick was on the deck. Then Jordan was trying to keep Nick from hurting my husband. But nasty words were exchanged afterwards. It was ugly.
I called the police. Both of the boys were asked to leave. I told my son Jordan has been asked to stay with his father's family until we resolve where we go from here. But my other son Nick has verbally attacked me saying I am again choosing another son over my husband. And then I was called a piece of sh t.
The next day... Megan gave birth to my very first grandchild (a girl). I went to the hospital but I have been denied seeing her ever since. My husband never got to see her. My ex husband and his wife have been there to visit the baby and they say nothing. My ex still drinks and smokes pot. He is no help.
I realize I am powerless with this. Both my sons are caught in the grip of their addition to drinking and drugs. All I want is peace in my home.
Wow, do you have a lot on your plate.... Welcome to MIP.
I have only a moment, but you are in the right place... and its good you realize you are powerless over them and thier addictions... but you are not powerless over your quest for peace in your home. *smile*
This program and this place is all about you... and you can learn to have that peace you search for. So keep coming back...
If possible, have you been to any meetings or picked up any literature... it can be very enlightening and very helpful.
I had some very similar experiences with my father when young, my wife for years and my sons... I know what you are going through and many of us here relate... but there is hope.
I wish you peace... talk to you again soon, I hope. Sorry, but I have to run.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks so much for that feeling of hope. My mom was an A. Many of my past relationships were with people who were toxic and I know dealing with this is very important now. I never dealt with my Mom's disease for my entire lifetime. She is gone now from cancer.
I know things will get better. But I won't bandaid it anymore. My home was a war-zone. Not anymore. I know I will have set backs of many emotions. Now I am choosing to find places to help me. This is one of them. I started with going to an NA meeting to hear what my son may be going through. And I found some local anon meetings. That is next.
My husband is still angry and hurt. But I can't allow that to consume me either. I need to take care of me now.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine having a child with addiction problems. I have a husband and a cat (she's addict to mice! ) and they can be a handful.
Seriously, you are in the right place. Alanon saves lives. None of this is your fault. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your sons choose recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Alanon will give you the tools to make decisions that are in the best interest for you and your husband. The more you know about this disease, the stronger you will become. I encourage you (and your husband if he wants) to find local Alanon meetings in your area. They are a great source of support. There are parents there who are dealing with the same issues as you. Never give up hope. The always rises. The stars alway come out. Nothing is ever hopeless as long as you have faith. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It's a gratitude that you have clean and sober person there with support and a husband who also is supportive. What you describe as a day in the disease is more usual than not. All of that insanity is normal and you still have discipline to protect your peace of mind and spirit. It is never easy stopping yourself from falling into the problem and visualizing solutions while at the same time knowing what the truth is for you. It's time to introduce you to the AL-Anon Family Groups for spouses, family, friends and associates of alcoholics. This is the world wide support group of millions who have been where you are at and sought help and support for positive life change. The program, based upon the 12 steps and traditions of AA is miraculous and has saved many lives.
You can (if you have not already) find the hotline phone number in the white pages of your local phone book. Call that number and you will be given the places and time for face to face meeting in your area. You might also find a real person to talk to at the same time...someone who is doing service or "giving back" to the program for what the program has given to them and who is willing to reach out to others. When you get the meeting information make time to get to as many as you can over the next 90 days. Sit down, listen, learn, ask questions, tell your story and practice, practice, practice what you find there. Get as much literature as you can (alot of it is often at no charge) and read it all. Keep and open mind and focus on the steps. While you are there find someone who has time in the program and a serenity that you desire and ask them if they are willing to sponsor you...guide you on a day to day basis and then keep repeating what you learn on daily basis. You will also want a Higher Power, and HP, a God of your own understanding to lay your own powerlessness on and you can find out more about that at the meetings also. Al-Anon will not tell you who or what God is...you get to decide that all by yourself and with the support of the worldwide fellowship. That is what worked for me and it worked that way also for those that raised me in this fellowship. I do what worked for them and it also works for me. Finally keep coming back. You are dealing with a life threatening disease that if not totally arrested will progress toward insanity and/or death if not arrested in recovery.
Keep coming back often and welcome to the family. (((((hugs)))))
PS. I would suggest that your husband take a look at the Family Groups also cause Al-Anon certainly is for men and their inability to stand up to this disease also. I know, I are one and there is no other place that could have saved my life like the family groups.
Words are such strength to me right now. Thank you both Karilynn and Jerry for taking time out to answer my thread. I feel stronger everyday. And the more I say I am powerless over this... the stronger I feel. Crazy eh? I'm starting to live what I am saying. I truly believe it more and more. I know I will slip into a bad day... but I know where to go.
I found a meeting near me this Saturday. I'm going.
So glad you are going to a meeting Saturday; it should help you with your own strength and understanding. Don't forget you can always come here to our online meetings too :) pw
Yes, it is strange how one minute, we can feel balanced, in control of our lives, and it doesn't take much to knock us to our knees. A's are experts at keeping on trying to pull the rug out from under us. All it take in my home, is if I don't have the right expression on my face, if I ask a question, one time I just walked up and put my hand on his arm to comfort him, and he shoved me away. Sorry you are going thru such a three ring ugly circus. Keep going to your meeting if you can. Come here. Come in chat. With all that going on in a family, people you should love and trust and feel comfortable around, makes it doubly painful, I know. You are in my prayers. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Debbie, You have a right to live your life and be happy. Your son's are manipulating you and using the fuel for their addictions. They should not be allowed in your house because they are violent, they could have caused injury to your husband or guests. I didn't get if one of them was living with you or not. Debbie stop feeling responsible for their addictions, you need to set up some boundries for them whether they like it or not. Don't let them walk all over you, sounds like their Father did plenty of that to you. Your entitled to your life, good luck
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine having a child with addiction problems. I have a husband and a cat (she's addict to mice! 
) and they can be a handful. 
always rises. The stars alway come out. Nothing is ever hopeless as long as you have faith. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
