The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to deal with my sisters crack addiction for about the last 4 years. Over the years she has been arrested, gone to jail, faced prison time, lost her home, her car, her friends, etc..... In the begining we all tried to help her, bailing her out, enabling her behavior. Knowing we were not helping her by picking up the pieces every time we stopped.
Last year she really showed some progress so I allowed her to come live with me. I was hoping the change of enviorment and the fact she was now in place where she knew no one would help. She did pretty good and then last month she decided that she wanted to move out in a place of her own. I was proud of her but also terrified because I just felt that she would go back to old habits. Sure enough a month later she is back to her drug of choice. She hasnt been to work in a week and has already spent all of her rent money.
I was finally able to meet with her face to face after days of not being able to reach her. My parents had found a rehab for her to go to and we all agreed we are not going to talk to her any more unless she goes to rehab. None of us can sit back and watch her do this to herself. So, I sat her down and told her how much I love her and that if she wasnt willing to go I wasnt willing to be in her life anymore. She looked straight in the face and said, "I am not going to rehab!". Not a tear in her eye and no question in her mind. She would even give me a reason other than she just doesnt want to.
My sister and I have always been very close. Im 26 and she is 24, and we have always been best friends. I had to tell my best friend and sister that I was no longer going to be a part of her life until she was ready to get help. It was by far the hardest things I have ever had to do or say to person. I feel so bad inside, so out of control, and helpless. I just want to hold her and hug her and not let her leave. I feel like she just died. I dont feel whole without her!
When my ex overdosed and I kept him alive till the ambulance got there and they released him from the hospital I turned to him and said "NOW are you ready to stop?" and he kind of snickered and said "No." And he didn't. Even though he saw what it was doing to our kids, even though he had just almost died. He stopped when he was good and ready. He is a crack addict also. That is his drug of choice anyway. 2 summers ago he decided he was an alcoholic insted (less of a stigma, and legal) and began drinking like a fish. That didn't last long, led him right back to crack.
It is a nasty disease. Detatchment is so very hard. If you are doing it for you, to keep yourself safe then it will work. If you are doing it with the idea that losing you will get her to want sobriety, then it will most likely not work.
You are in the right place. Have you been to any face to face meetings?
You did lose your best friend and your sister to this disease. There is hope. For you and for her. There is always hope. This program saves lives and families. Just keep comming and keep posting.
You are in the right place... many of us have been where you are, with siblings, parents or children... or all of the above.
You are not "bad"... quite the contrary, by allowing her to take responsability for her own addiction... may be the most loving thing you could possibly do for her.
One of the first things I heard here was the 3 C's ... You didn't Cause this, you can't Control it... and you can't Cure it. It is up to them to take the steps to save thier life. Its our job to get out of the way and let their Higher Power work on them...
Keep coming back and keep shareing... we are here for you, and certainly undertand.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thank you for your support. Its really hard not to call her right now but I know I cant. Ive never been to a face to face meeting before but it doesnt sound like a bad idea.
In Alanon they have a saying don't say it unless you mean what you say. I know I said things a hundred times to the A(now the exA) before I meant them. You are absolutely in the right place. A year ago I was obsessed with an A who was absolutely destroying himself. Now I am not. I'd actually say recovery of myself is much much much much harder than anything I did to "stop him". Looking at myself is the real painful part, his hi jinks, actions were much less of an issue. In fact I'd say that was one reason I related to him so well it was a great distraction from my own mess of a life.
Keep coming here, posting, reply to everything that affects you. Immerse yourself in al anon and you'll see dividends.
Tough it is. But addictions are bigger and more powerful than all of us. Can you go to meetings for yourself? You will gain alot of experience, strengh, and hope.
Alaina, Lots of things I'm sure are going through your mind, should i call, should I just write her a letter, should I get my parents more involved, should I, should I. If there were a secret way to get the addict to stop, or get help none of us would not be here. I imagine your sister has looked up to you, and taken your advice many times over the years. It is sad, and I'm sure hard to accept her turning down you, and your parents offer to get the help she needs. In Al-Anon one form of detachment is allowing the A to make their own decisions right, or wrong with no interfrence from us. The 3 C's refered to in a post above is correct. The only way we can help our A is to take care of ourselves. Going to Al-Anon f2f meetings would be the best thing for you, and your parents should consider it also. Just believe me, here at MIP, an at Al-Alon you will met members who are friendly, who care, and have knowledge, and experience with the concerns you are going through. Keep coming back. RLC
Welcome to the MIP family. You came to the right place. What you did took great strength and courage. I am sorry she relapsed. Unfortunately that is very, very common for addicts. They fight demons I can't even begin to imagine. Some overcome them, some don't. I hope she does.
Alanon gives us the tools so that we can go on with our lives, regardless of what the addict is doing. Here you will find peace and learn to let go of the bad feelings. You are not out of control. You are just a bit lost. Alanon will be your compass to guide you out of the woods. You just have to point it in the right direction and keep moving foward. Please find some local meetings. They are very helpful. If you feel lost and alone, come here or to our chatroom or online meetings. Someone is always there. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Good start without program. Looks like you've reached your "bottom" and want to change you. That is what the program is about changing me and the stuff I do that doesn't work but makes life worse off for me and the addict. I know that took fear and courage (maybe a bit of anger and determination also eh?) Your sister will reach her "bottom" sometime later, that point where she admits to herself first before anyone else that she indeed has a problem with drugs. It will be at that point that she may do something different like reach out for real help or flip back into the addiction wait a short period of time and then go out on another run. If her bottom is hard enough she may go for solutions, if not she may continue to think of herself as immortal and plan the next use. The disease of addiction is insane! However you have reached your bottom and now it is time for you to get into the solutions if you so choose to have a more sane, better life in spite of and maybe while your sister is still using. You will find experience, strength and hope here from hundreds who have been where you are at, felt and thought and said the same things that didn't come out as met expectations. You are home, in the right place, and miracles do and will happen in this program for all of it's members.
Find out where the face to face meetings are and get ready to attend as soon as you are able. When you're there get as much information on the disease of addiction and read all of it especially those that apply to the friends, families, and associates of the addicted (alcoholic in our program). Take your seat in the meeting and listen with an open mind...much of this will be new and some of it will be very like where you are at now. It's all shared experiences. Ask questions of those who have been in program for a while or who seem to have real solutions that might help you also. If you find a person who has real serenity as for their sponsorship. Go to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days and then ask yourself if what we have and what we do is for you. If it is stay. It it isn't keep looking for help. Learn the 12 steps and 12 traditions of the program and get a Higher Power (than yourself or the disease) that you can rely on 24/7.
