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i am just not sure where to turn or what to do anymore, In July of 2003 i left a very abusive alcoholic relationship with my husband, and i was looking for another relationship when along comes my high school sweetheart, he was recently separated and going through much of what i was going through at the time so we hooked up on feb 14 2004. In April we decided it was time to move in together and be a common law couple... then in may it started he went to jail for 10 days on a prior conviction of drinking and driving from jan 2004...from feb til may he did not drink any alcohol he was the sweetest person and the guy i remembered from 20 years ago... but after jail it all started again with the drinking and the verbal and emotional abuse. I have been living with this since then. He is the most wonderful man in the world when he is not drinking but when he drinks my whole world comes craching down hard. He tells me i am worthless, dirty, a pig, and that he hates me, he wants me to leave pretty much everything is my fault. I cry, but it doesnt seem to help, i threaten to leave but never do thinking i can make him change for me. He has lost his children due to his alcoholism and he has lost many friends and family due to this and i dont want to leave, i just want the alcoholism to stop and put us back together as a family. he tells me every other day he is going to quit he cant put me through this anymore and he cant put himself through this anymore but when he gets home from work he starts all over again cause he has a bad day.what do i do? what do i say? where can i turn?
Well you're definitely in the right place. Just wondering why you left the first husband? Was it the abuse? I think the most important thing I heard you say that is something that I thought for a long time was that he would love me enough to quit, that he would "change for me". After 8 years and a divorce I can say that never happened for me and I don't think people really change for other people, they might mask who they are but not really change. Alcoholism is a disease, it doesn't just "stop" it progresses. My A used to say all kinds of things that I wanted to hear but what I learned that helped me so much was to stop listening and start watching because 99% of the time his actions didn't follow his words and you know what they say about actions speaking louder.
I guess my questions for you are - is there more good time than bad time and does the good outweigh the bad? Assuming he doesn't ever change and it goes on like this forever are you willing to live that way?
All we can do is either accept their behavior or not. You can only control you. No amount of getting mad, making idle threats to leave, crying, etc. is going to MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to do for himself.
If you can get to face to face meetings I think you would really benefit. I also chose alcoholic after alcoholic. The last one less abusive than the one before but an alcoholic none the less. It's easy to justify the new one as not as bad as the one before, I did that for a long time but finally came to the conclusion that I still deserve better, I deserve a guy who doesn't disappear for days at a time and blow hundreds or thousands of dollars, who is good to my kids, etc. etc. I realized that just because something is better doesn't mean it is good enough! It took me a LONG time to get to this place in my thinking though and a lot of support from this board and face to face meetings.
they always say they drink because they have a "bad day" I think they have bad days because they drink. Life is good with bad and when bad come and you stuff it down by drinking it makes it worse. WE humans need to "process bad days.
Tammy. As Carolinagirl said, you are at the right place. The members here at MIP have experienced the things you are going through. The Al-Anon Program is exactly what you need to make your life better. It will show you how to take care of yourself. That may sound strange, it did to me when I heard it at my first Al-Anon Meeting. But they were right. We also had to accept,and admit that we have no control over Alcohol,and that our lives had become unmanageable. You probably already realize you can not make your AH stop drinking. That will only stop when he decides, and gets help. Nothing you do or say will change him.But, there are several things you can do to help yourself. You can read past posts from this web site, and see simular situations as yours. You can then read what other members offered from their experience regarding the problem. This will help you. Probably the most important thing you can do is check in your area for an Al-Anon meeting. You will have friendly people there who are going through, or have been through the same same feelings, and hurt you are having now. You will be welcomed there, just as you have been welcomed here. It will be like finding a new family. I can't tell you how important f2f meeting can be for you. Again, there is nothing you can do to change your Alcoholic, he is the only one who can do that, but you can change you. Your life "will" get better I promise. Read prior post, get to some f2f meetings, and keep coming back and posting here on MIP. We are here for you. RLC
Welcome to the MIP family. You've gotten lots of good replies here. Just remember: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. You can't change them. They have to change themselves.
You left your first husband because of abuse. What's the difference here? Even if he got sober and stayed sober, he will never be the same person. They can't be, the disease changes them. My AH is my college sweetheart, and when he's sober he's loving and kind. But he's not the same man I met 25 years ago. He's been through too much to be the same. The dyanmics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. I need my program either way.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. This is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Alanon gives us the tools to make our life better. Please find some local meetings. You are not alone in this journey of recovery. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
