The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AHsober moved out 3 years ago today. Don't love you he said; never did. He threatened leaving, divorce for most of our 30 year marriage. For me there has been sadness and pain in these 3 years. He finally gave me divorce papers in January and then again in March. I made changes in red and wrote that he should not be giving me divorce papers at birthday parties and celebrations. I told him that a lawyer's office would be more appropriate. I thought that was progress on my part. I think that denial saved me but now I see more of the reality. My three sons are gifts and love them all.
I go to my f2f meetings, I call my sponsor, and try to make that contact with my HP. I have a list in my 4th step journal of people who have helped me (friends, family and strangers) in the 3 years and have a list my small accomplishments . I pay attention to finances - working this summer for extra money. I still cry but not as much. I work to let my grown sons live their own lives. I put out two resumes and have looked into living somewhere else.
I quit looking for his bottle. I think that the bottle for him is always keeping that threat over my head; always leaving. I think that I have accepted that I will not be married. I understand when the old timers say that happiness is an inside job. I am not there yet.
I think that my arrogance is slowly going away. That we are all in this together. There, but for the grace of my Higher Power, go I.
I understand you so well. It's all pretty humbling, isn't it? To move from denial to acceptance is quite a ride, and not so fun. I think the most difficult part, however, is truly believing what the reality is and acting accordingly.
I see your growth and think you are doing great. Yep, we are in this together.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Some things might not have changed yet and the changes you have made are remarkable and courageous. The alcoholic personality reveals so much self centeredness and anger and pain. It's okay to move off from it and in fact a healthier move to do so. My life changed for the better when I accepted the permission to do that and not look over my shoulder to see if there were reasons for me to "keep going back". Yes it was painful and very tearful. I once described it as ripping out my own heart...kinda extreem but then I was a newcomer and needed more ESH from the oldtimers and guidance from my sponsor(s).
Happiness is an inside job. It's my choice. It's my responsibility.
Loving you and supporting you. So much growth, so much courage, I have been there, I know the terror of threats and counterthreats and the HOLD ... you have broken the chains and you have seized life.
I agree, there but for the grace of God go I. Nancy...one step nearer to sanity and joy, that's the way I see it.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I have always read your posts very carefully, for you and I are very similar and our A's are polar opposites...
My ex claims she loves me to the point of near insanity.. however we can't have a resonable conversation, have not had a loving interchange of ideas or any healthy behavior directed at our relationship in years.
I was challenged by someone to relate to them the last mutually loving and caring memory I had of the 2 of us. I had to go back over 6 years.
I had pleasant memories since then... but they had nothing really to do with her. She was there, but it was the kids, or the splendor of the place or activity ... mostly great memories in spite of her, not with her.
Yet, I wanted so badly to fix all that, to see it be better. I realized that for me... better was to do for myself. That I had grieved the relationship long before I acknowledged it was really over. You deserve happiness and joy. I know it exists although I don't know what that looks like for anyone but me... but I believe with all my heart that it is out there for everyone.
While you look for what that is for you... I really appreciate you sharing that with me, I learn alot from what you see.
You are in my thoughts and prayers always, just wanted you to know that...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can relate to the underhand stuff of being presented with stuff on my birthday. Last year on my birthday the A came around and presented me with the issue of his being homeless (like it was my responsibility), then this year he tried to make me responsible for his "wellbeing" on my birthday. Now I have enough al anon under my belt I said no.
My AH says, and has said for several years now, the same thing your AH sober does. I feel as tho my emotions and feelings have been stretched like rubber bands, until they have broken. I think I am getting better, but it is a work in progress. Good days and bad days, but that is life, I suppose. I have been in denial for several years, that we were a "normal" married couple....that he just had these "episodes" when he was drunk that made him mean and say mean and horrible things. Made him scream and threaten me until the veins stood out in his neck...and I would just curl up and go to sleep, and try to ignore it. After several evenings spent like that, all of a sudden, he would come in from work one night, and ask if I would like to go out to dinner. Just like a normal couple. I finally am at the point where I cannot take it anymore. I never thought I could stop loving him, but the more respect I lose for him, the less love I feel. There was a time when I would have taken on any of his pain just for him to have to feel it less. Now, I am tired of him causing me pain. I have a life to live too. Just because he has a disease, he knows there is help available, but he won't take it. I can't make him, even if I destroy my own life. He removed the computer from the house because he was paranoid about me having a MySpace account, even tho he read it, and there is nothing on it I wouldn't want him to read. He has it in his mind that I am meeting men on there. Nevermind, how, I busted him checking out disgusting porn sites, and once even sending a naked picture of himself from the waist down to some 20-something girl he met in some chatroom. I emailed her and asked what he said, and she said "Oh, he just wanted to know what I was wearing, and was wanting to have cyber-sex." EEEWWWWW! This was about 4 years ago, while I was in Kansas at my sister's wedding for 4 days. I just happened to find the picture saved on our computer. It was taken in our bathroom....and yep, it WAS him....... I have a beautiful daughter, a beautiful step granddaughter, a beautiful 6 month old granddaughter, and they all need me and love me. I want to be around for them. I have friends who love me. My family loves me. I am blessed, indeed. It seems like the only person I know who continually acts like they hate me, and who treats me badly is my AH. I am waiting on an apartment to open up, where I want to move to. Then, I will be gone. And he can have his stupid life back. (Guess I'm not quite detaching with love today!) Maybe tomorrow~! ((((Nmike)))))Keep the focus on yourself, and that precious little baby! Love in Recovery, Becky1
