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I had some really good stuff happen this weekend that I may put in another post but I need to vent about a crazy dream first please.
Quick background: All weekend A/ BF seemed in a "daze". Most weekends he will at least make some small attempt to connect a little (NEVER deep but he will at least say something). This weekend he was way out there even when we were together.
I was Sooo good, didn't do my usual annoying, disgusting behaivor of "you don't love me" bla bla bla... just said a few encouraging things and let it go when they did not turn into any conversation. He almost seems catatonic-- he can sit and watch america's funniest home video's all day, literally ALL DAY!
Anyway I felt I was doing okay-knew it still bothered me..obviously was not detached enough! Went to bed without him (was tired of waiting for him to "liven up") tonight and just woke up from this horrible dream about us and an alaon AA meeting and all this typical 'symbolic stuff".
Dream: BF and I were riding in a trailer being pulled by his truck down the interstate with a "bum" riding with us, no one was driving. The truck was I guess driving it'sself, I tried to climb up frount to drive and before I can make it we end up in slums stuck under a bridge, and I'm naked and homeless people are watching and coming toward us, and he gets shot in the head.
Then boom- I'm at some weird alanon meeting, my parents are there, talking to me about some business stuff totally unrealted to BF I'm there dealing with some "paperwork" about the accident or something. I'm also looking at pictures of my Grandmother and talking to a "sponsor" about how surely my grandmother must have been and A or alanon because of all the similarities I see with her and my controlling mom etc.
BF shows up from hospital, I'm relieved to see him (as I did not know how he was) but he barely notices me...just kinda seems to expect me to drive home? I'm certain he has taken bottle of pain pills, and he orders these two gallon sized beers- yes there was a bar at this alanon meeting ( big party) As I'm running around trying to "solve" whatever legal issues, finding the truck, etc. all the while trying to get to him, feeling like I can't "make it all happen" to help him get home safely... he is sitting at bar with this kinda a "crazy" dressed woman she is calling out to him from a few feet away hitting on him.
I walk up and am so tired from all of it- frustrated- I just kinda pound her in the face a few times (as in dreams it had no affect) she says .... well he didn't say NO... (which unfortunatly is what I would expect from him in real life- NOT doing anything "bad" but NOT "upholding my honor" by saying "no" just enjoying the attention and smiling that little "puppy dog" smile of his. Soaking up the attention,( leaving me in some kind of "no man's land as far as committment and making me feel " insecure" or less than for being disappinted he didn't "claim" me. He's handsome and his whole family makes a big deal about it over and over and over! But gosh darn no one is THAT handsome!!
Anyway woke up just now kinda horrified that this weekend's silence/ distance obviously bothered me, I knew I was not really detaching but thought I was doing better than all this.
Sick thing is that the issue that bothers me most is... him being shot- not him putting me in harms way, disturbing my life or not "respecting" me the way I really do feel is reasonable to expect in a long term relationship (by telling the girl no thank you!) but most of all I want to get him home safe and in bed due to being shot, knowing he took too many pain pills. Knowing he needs me to take care of him. AS if .. If I can just get him safe, I know it will all change.
Main question: just like in real life It never crossed my mind to just walk away from the craziness and leave him to do whatever...never crossed my mind I should take care of me and leave the craziness behind. And all this came from my mind without me even knowing I was really thinking about it.
PS not that it matters "why" but I noticed he has taken all the pain pills his Mom gave him for back pain... so maybe this is a factor maybe not< he was just "inside himself" this weekend and I just spent each day/ moment hoping for that positive interaction...just hoping he would "see" me... yuk!
