Newbie to all of this....need help - Al-Anon Family Group

Jorbax · Member

Newbie to all of this....need help

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

An alcoholic that is not drinking but also is not in "recovery" is what we call a dry drunk. I have been around dry drunks, specifically speaking about my step-dad, he didn't drink one summer ( like 4 yrs ago) and this is only when he was home, not travelling on business...

He was SO rageful, cruel, abusive, mean when he wasn't using, it was absolutely awful - ugh.

I'm thinking of the counselor suggesting, if 'it were a different disease' would you feel differently. It is true we cannot bargain with this disease. And we probably wouldn't say, 'I can handle prostate cancer but not lung or skin cancer.'

I hate that kind of guilt trap, feeling when it is all new. You are not to blame. You can only take responsibility for your feelings, we can't live other's lives or save anyone but ourselves. But there is a lot hope & power in that! We can help ourselves. We all have the opportunity to choose each new moment.

When you went to F2F, did you pick up pamphlets? They are free or you can buy them @ www.al-anon.alateen.org . The two pamphlets that helped me the most to understand this disease & my role in it are: A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic & The Merry-go-Round of Denial.

There are on-line mtgs, twice a day everyday in the chat room... the times are posted at the top of the chat room page or ask an OP & they will tell you. Talk to ppl in chat, if you don't want to deal w/ F2F mtgs... different things/tools work for us at different times... it is a process.

Al-anon is for you & your serenity, not anyone else. I got a One Day at a Time in Al-Anon book back in April of 1987, I still have it. (Never read the C2C book).

I'm ACoA & the 12 Steps for Adult Children book has helped me work on issues unique to growing up in the disease.

"Take what you like & leave the rest."

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Jorbax))))),

Welcome back. You do have a lot on your plate. I can sense that you are overwhelmed by things. I would to be too. It's okay to take a break from things. I've taken a break from Alanon. However it's usually when I need it the most that I do that, so it can backfire. I try hard everyday to stick to some kind of a routine with my recovery. I get up in the morning, do my readings and come here. Then I go on with my day. It helps keep my head in the game.

IMHO, the councelor's question is valid about him seeking treatment. However, it is also your brother's choice regardless if it is cancer or addiction. He's an adult and is responsible for his own choices. You've allowed him the dignity of taking care of his insulin dependency, allow him the dignity of making the same choice about his other disease. Now if you set the boundary that he has to be in treatment in order to live with you, you have to be prepared to enforce that. Otherwise it's like grounding a child who has a TV, phone, and video games in his/her bedroom! "Yeah go ahead Mom ground me! I'll spend all day in my bedroom!" wink

Rather than asking you if you would allow your brother not to seek treatment, why not ask yourself this: Would you allow yourself not to seek treatment? Is it worth your life and sanity not to work your program and seek assistance? Is it worth being a better person for yourself and your children? I say this because we so often think that we are not worth saving. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Take no prisoners. You can only become stronger and healthier for doing so.

It's incredibly hard to take care of an aging parent. My father suffered from dimentia in his last days. I have nursed AH back from his foot surgeries, seizures, etc. I couldn't do it alone. It's okay to ask for help. I had nurses coming in to take care of AH's foot. I knew I couldn't do that part of it. It grossed me out! I couldn't feel guilty about it. I'm not a nurse and I know my limitations. That little bit of help made a huge difference.

I had to make time for me. I had to make time for this program. If I didn't, I would have cracked up. As it was I let some health issues go because I was so busy taking care of him. Luckily, when I hit 45 this year I decided enough was enough. I had to address these issues and take back my life. Change in diet and lifestyle and my approach to it is not easy for me. I'm a Taurus and by nature we don't like change! bleh

But if I don't change some things about my lifestyle, then I can be the most mentally healthy person in the world, but I'll probably be dead because I let my physical health go! Mental and physical health go hand in hand.

Here's my point: dying emotionally or physically for someone else is not the way I want to go. I will work my tail off for me because I deserve it. It will make me a better and stronger person. When I do that I will be able to handle the everyday stresses much better. The gift of good mental health is priceless. Alanon taught me that. You are worth it. Your children are worth it. Please keep coming back to us. Don't forget we have online meetings here or the chat room is always there. Sometimes it's easier to do that when the kids are a handful. Ask your group if there are meetings that allow children. Some do and that can mean alot. Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

-- Edited by Karilynn at 06:51, 2008-06-02

-- Edited by Karilynn at 06:52, 2008-06-02

-- Edited by Karilynn at 06:53, 2008-06-02

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you are going through this. However, you are in a wonderful fellowship that relates what you are going through! You are not alone.

I am hoping that you keep up with f2f meetings (and all the tools)....to counter all the negative messages you are getting!!

Your counselor is not an addiction specialist, which is unfortunate as it relates to your brother. If he/she were, he/she would know that you are p-o-w-e-r-l-e-s-s....to MAKE anyone do anything that YOU think they should be doing (like seeking treatment.) Attempting to do so, makes our lives unmanageable. (step one)

However, if it is your house, you can set boundaries to take care of yourself. As I read your post, it seems that you may need to do this. You have your hands full.

"I don't know I think I might just be going over the edge. "

When I came to al-anon, I felt the same way. (Some days I still do.) With all my heart, I embrace Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I don't know if I can adequately express how grateful I am for the 12 steps. Like kitty said, it is a process. It takes committment to changing ourselves... Not an easy task. (I like to consider this when I believe I can change someone else!!) It may sound lame to remember the only one we can change is ourself....but it is where our power is. Connecting to our Higher Power, we become sane... and peaceful...strong....regardless of the circumstances swirling around in our lives.

When I made the program my priority, I got better. While it may seem like one more thing to do....gradually, it replaced all the other things I had been doing. In al-anon, we learn that we have CHOICES.... I knew I had to make the meetings to take care of myself. Al-Anon and my recovery is the focus of my life now.

Keep coming back. Miracles happen in this program. True miracles.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Jorbax, Just a few words that could help. I am reminded of a newbie (1st meeting) that came to an Al-Anon meeting a few weeks ago. She sat through the whole meeting, and did not say a word. At the end of the meeting before we closed she asked if she could say something. She stated she was a School Teacher, and had lots of friends, any many family members, all who had given her advice, and told exactly what she should do. They had all done this with her best interest in mind. She said she had been pulled,and tugged in every direction. She realized now, after only one Al-Alon meeting, that she had been listening to the wrong people, even though they meant well. Then she said "I have found the right place for me". Today she is a changed person. She called me today, and in the conversation said she coould not believe how far she had come in such a short period of time. (Her AH is an active binge drinker) Ann,you are being pulled, and tugged in many directions just like the teacher above. There are many members here at MIP that have experience, and knowledge with the problems you are going thru. Always remember you are not alone. I can't tell you the problems you are dealing with are not going to go away today, or tomorrow. What I can tell you with certainity is your life will get better, and better each day you work this program. Sometimes life is not always fair, and it is never easy. Keep coming back here, and try to get to f2f meetings, that is your time for yourself, and you deserve it. It is your life, and you are in control of it, and you are at the right place. RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Jorbax!!

I can remember having those thoughts and feelings and questions and tired
lonely results also. Overwhelmed? You bet and it came from thinking that
I had to do the impossible and everything else and do it perfectly so that I
would feel good about it and more importantly everyone else would feel good
about it too.

This is all new to you and you didn't get where you are at right now overnight.
You won't get out of it overnight so might as well repeat these slogans over
and over until it becomes second nature. "Easy does it", "let go and let God",
"One day at a time (or one step at a time)", "This too will pass", "When in
Doubt...Don't (make decisions or react)", "Keep it simple". There are others
and maybe you're too overwhelmed for much more so as it was suggested by
others...take a break from it. The best input I ever got regarding my situations
were from those people who had honestly gone thru the same thing and come
out of it better. I have only found this type of people in the AFG...no where
else. I listen to Experience, Strength and Hope from those who came before
me and I follow thru on suggestions that will change my situations for the
better.

Keep coming back here and sit, listen and practice. The literature suggestion
was very important too!!

(((((hugs))))) smile

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jorbox)))))

Welcome to MIP. You have recieved some very good suggestions from everyone. For myself, AlAnon was my lifesaver. My life had become so unmanagable, but I thought that if I controlled my AH that I could bring my life back under control. AlAnon showed me that the only way to restore sanity in my life was to turn my will over to a power higher than myself (Step 3).

The other thing that really helped for me was reading CAL (Conference approved AlAnon literature) My favorites have been Courage to Change, and One Day At A Time in AlAnon. These are daily readings, I have found more often than not, that the reading for that day has been exactly what I have needed to hear.

Keep coming back. Try to attend f2f meetings, and also attend the meetings online when you are unable to go to f2f.

Take Care of Yourself,

Claudia

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Jorbax,

You have alot to deal with. My kids are grown and gone. I remember those days of the chaotic summer but we had so much fun. I am worried about my son moving in with his family this summer - short termed I am told. He has not boundaries. Takes things without asking. Doesn't help. Yikes! I look at Alanon meetings as a place to blow off steam and process what is going on and to get experience, strength, and hope. Then I am good to the get go with whatever comes my way.

In support,
Nancy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.