The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am really trying to be positive and working on "recovery". I am trying to be assertiv e in a loving way. My oldest son (35) more or less accused me of their marriage problems. My Ex AH always mentally abused me. Now I find my son is doing the exact same thing. This I will not except. I tried when I was married-to make peace--always walking on eggshells. BUT I cannot be this way anymore. But I want to be loving... so I have a long road ahead of me. Anyway I called and emailed my DIL a few times last week-about having the GKids a few hours on weekend. No reply (She just calls when she needs ME to babysit) So I called her at work. She would not say I could have the kids---but she asked me if I could babysit the whole summer. I kept my cool...I said perhaps abit only. She said 2 weeks--I said oh no probably a week!! Now this is not me-because remember I can't say NO (ever). She was surprised....but I said well gaive me a call this weekend if I can see the kids. Now we are mid sat. and no call---thats OK...I AM trying to LEt Go and LET GOd.(its hard) I am finally learning I cannot be all to my adult children. I for sure miss the GKids... but I will survive. I would love your comments and I could really use your imput.DH says just "love" her ...easy for him to say..he isn't the one getting walked on. THKS!!
Hi Meagain. I am brand spanking new to this & I happened to see your topic. I have been sitting here crying & basically going through what you are going through with my son as well. Mine got picked up last night coming from across the street, where there is a neighborhood bar, where he was arrested for Public Intoxication. He was picked up 2 houses away from me. I had spoke with him earlier & he wanted me & my partner to meet he & his girlfriend. I told him "No, we are going to bed to get up very early for a big job we had." Told him I did not want any part of that bar. Closing time my cell phone was ringing & I did not hear because I had turned it down to vibrate knowing that they would be calling me. Sure enough, upon starting out walking here, his girlfriend pulled up beside him & told him to get in. He instead jumped in back of the truck with a bottle of beer. Now here is his girlfriend banging at my door in which she told me of my son & said the she had to pee. I didn't let her in. My partner was getting upset saying that if I did she would be here for alot longer & we would not get sleep for this job that we had. So here I was on eggshells just like you described with my partner & I mad the choice not to open the door. Now my son is out & will not talk to me over the phone but yet is text messaging me letting me know that he is mad as hell because he went to jail & I would not come to my door. I get stuck in the middle every time & my son gets mad at me & tells me I always take whomever I'm withs' side. Another way of trying to make me feel guilty. I do of course but this time I am trying to change to. I"m not calling him crying trying to make things better between us. I also have 2 GC by him. Sure sound to me like you have got it down now. I hope I continue to not crumble & start feeling guilty. Hats off to you for being strong & holding your ground!
"My oldest son (35) more or less accused me of their marriage problems. My Ex AH always mentally abused me. Now I find my son is doing the exact same thing." -meagain
When I was married to my ex AH, he blamed me for everything in his life, his fmaily the news, even his past... et cetera ~ wow, I must be magical to have that much power!
I am an adult child of an alcoholic (my parent is also ACoA), I am not an "A" and I am not a parent. Relationships are a 2 way street, no one can do it alone. Blaming other people for your problems, is a classic sign of an A.
Kudos to standing up for yourselves, meagain & mysticperl (welcome).
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What I have come to realize is saying something once is sufficient. You put yourself out there to have the grandkids and you set boundaires of when and how long. Your job is done. If they accept that offer is up to them. Repeating ourselves comes under the heading of nagging. Say what we mean, mean what we say and don't say it in a mean way. It's clear you aren't involved in their issues, hurt people...hurt people. Clarify your motives in your own mind and communicate your boundaries clearly whenever asked. Leave the rest up to them. Resist the constant contact via email and phone calls. It helps eliminate the misunderstanding of meddling. Get busy with other activities, so your mind doesn't have time to ponder their motives and actions. Great share, keep coming back, keep posting. Being a parent is the toughest job on the planet. My son's had to ask/ remind me that at 34 & 35 they no longer needed a parenting figure in their lives as much as a friend. HUGE eye opener.
