The material presented
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Hi All I am new on this site today, looking for some advice really. I split from my husband 18mth ago because of his drinking, I could no longer hide it from my daughter 9 years old at time. Since then he has carried on drinking, letting my daughter down forgetting what day he said he will see her, he has been with this woman who had a drink problem as well and since being with her he has lost his flat & his job. he split with her last week and had drunk non stop since he phones me up saying he want to die he has nothing left. I am so frighten about the affect all this is having on my Fantastic daughter, I have tried to explain it to her saying Daddy is ill he needs help, but then he shows up here drunk causing trouble. I don't want her to see this. I just don't know what to do for the best. My mother in law has been wonderful and we talk a lot which helps a bit. But please if anyone could just give me any advice Thank you so much
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... coming here is a great first step.... I would encourage you to read good books on this subject, and to educate your daughter on the disease as well.... "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drews, is an awesome start..... Volume one is the key one, but all four offer wonderful information and insight.... Aside from that, if you can get yourself to Al-Anon meetings, and perhaps even consider having your daughter attend Al-Ateen...... all good stuff, and all will help you & your daughter cope with what is going on...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I understand what you are going through. In my case I didn't want my AH around our grandchildren when he is not sober. They don't deserve to have to put up with the "craziness" of an excessive drinker, no matter who they are.
I've had to put up boundaries with my AH to protect our grandchildren. This hasn't always been the easiest thing to stand firm on, but our grandchildren shouldn't have to put up with my AH's bad choices even if he is their Papaw. So the boundaries are when he is visiting with our grandchildren, he cannot drink. A similiar boundary for you might be that you inform your AH that if he says he's going to spend time with his daughter, he must keep his word on this and be sober during the time he spends with her. If he fails to do this, then he will not see her or only have supervised visits with her. When first setting boundaries we often feel guilty for doing so, but this is not about trying to punish the A.....what it is about is protecting your daughter (or in my case our grandchildren) from hurt and pain she/they doesn't deserve. It's important to remember to set a boundary you will be able to enforce, or in other words, say what you mean and mean what you say. Just because our AH's or spouses are making poor choices, etc. doesn't mean we have to put up with them or make excuses for them. It wasn't easy for me to start setting boundaries or to stand firm on them the first few times I did so, but it has been more than worth it for peace of mind in knowing I am doing what's best for my grandchildren.
Wilted
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When my mind is troubled and I feel like giving up, I turn to God and His promises sing in me. I let Him calm my spirit and bring me peace in the midst of my trials.
There are lots of people here who have been in the same boat. The issue is that we have to look at the three C's, we can't control, cure or control an alcoholic. You can of course set limits if he shows up drunk he can't see her and more. That will take a lot of practice but it s indeed possible.
Keep coming here, get everything you can on detachment from al anon literature and start going to meetings either here or outside. I am glad you have support.
Welcome amh, glad you've found us. What you said to your daughter, daddy is ill, is actually exactly right - he IS ill, and it's a terrible confusing disease. Cunning, baffling and powerful, they say. I still remember the woman who said she explained that daddy had an illness that sometimes made his brain argue with him - the children were quite happy with this, and would periodically report to her after that that "daddy's brain is arguing with him again".
Here is the UK alanon site: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ that would be a good place to look for face to face meetings in your area (if I've guessed right, that is, and you ARE in the UK!!)
Alanon is for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking, and you can learn, as we have all learned (and continue to learn) tools to make YOUR life better, regardless of what happens with him.
To be quite honest I would be happy if she didn't see him at all but she love her Dad of course, She phones him everynight (since we have been apart) when she goes to bed to say goodnight, but when he is drunk he won't hear his phone or he just talks a load of rubbish then I have to try and get her off the phone. I have told him he can't see her if he has been drinking. when he has had a drink he forgets her anyway. But since he split with this woman last week he keeps phoning and he came round on Sunday totally drunk I had to try and get rid of and keep her out the way. he was crying about this woman and that since he had been with her he had lost everythin and did not want to live. He then turned on me and I was leaning him the money to get the train to see his Mum. there was no getting throught to him.I was so scared he was going to start smashing thing up. When he sobered up he said sorry but then did the same thing a few days later. I am so worried what this is doing to my Daughter it is not fair she has to see and hear this.
Hi Yes I am in the UK I have just been on the phone to Al anon there is a meeting just round the corner from me now as it happens, the problem is my daughter needs collecting from youth club at 8.30pm I might have to see if maybe my Mum can pick her up one week so I can get there, I am also going to find out about Alteen for when my Daughter is 12 next Feb. But just being on here tonight has calmed be down a bit and helped thank you.
Ann, Welcome to MIP, here you will find people who care about you,and your problems. We to have lived, or, are living with active Alcoholicism. No one here will tell you what you need to do to stop your A from drinking. We will tell you what you need to do to take care of yourself, because that is so important for you and your daughter. Take the time to read earlier posts here, any see the replies other people have received from MIP members. You need to go to Face to Face Al-Anon meetings, if you could take your Mother-In-Law, that would be great for both of you.The Al-Anon Program will help you more that you can ever imagine. It does not matter if the A in your life is still drinking or not, or whether he is living with you or not. Al-anon is for you not the A. It teaches you to take care of yourself first, that way you can take care of your daughter, and others. You have no control over the A in your life. Until your A decides for himself to get help, the disease will only get worse. That is the sad truth about Alcoholism. Remember you are not alone, we are here for you, keep coming back. Life with an active A is never easy, but it will get better as you as you apply the principles you will pick up here, and in Al-Anon f2f meeting. RLC
there are online meetings here twice a day. I am sure one of them will help you. They are at 6:00 a.m EST and 6:00 p.m PST. At least on the weekend you would be able to check in. Getting all the software and getting in the room may be difficult at first but it is possible to persevere
Welcome to MIP! Alanon helps. We are told not to give advice but our experience, strength, and hope. Keep coming back, read the literature, and go to face to face meetings if you can. There is an impact of active alcoholism on children but knowledge is powerful and honesty about what is going on is helpful.
I had too call the police last night he was ringing on the bell bashing on the door and windows and throwing things at the window. In the end the police took me and my daughter to a friends house for the night I was so scared and so was my daughter, in 18 years together I never had to call in the police, I feel so bad for him that I had to do it . But my daughter is the one that matters most.
Keep posting here and answering to other posts. many of us have been where you are. There are lots of ways through, around even to be in the place you are in. You are not alone.
