The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Below is a letter I just sent to my AH. We have not talked for days and it is the only way I feel I can communicate with him without our butting our heads against a brick wall trying to communicate this orally. Our marriage has been based on lies and deception from the beginning of it almost 4 years ago, and I am finally ready to admit and accept that there is nothing solid to build a relationship or marriage on with my AH unless he chooses to get help for his drinking. I don't want to completely give up on us yet, but I cannot continue to live or cope with the life my AH is choosing to live, it is not the life I want or that he promised me before I knew he was an alcoholic and I wouldn't be able to count on his promises. He isn't even the man he told me he was, and it's harder every day to live with this alcoholic stranger. I can't live with the "insanity" anymore, but more important, I don't want to.
Wilted
************************************************************ " I am not wanting a divorce either, but I also would like for you to just get off my back about my issues, and let them get worked thru. When they are continually brought up, it just causes me to not do anything constructive about them. I am being honest here, and there is NO blame for you..it is MY issue, that only can be dealt with by Me and God. I appreciate your concerns! "
_______, the above is part of what you wrote to me a few days ago. I want you to know that I am being honest here too when I say that I am doing my best to back off on you and your issues even though we have a difference of opinion about them even being just your issues....and not ours. I can't seem to make you understand that to me when we married, we became one, and therefore issues, etc...became ours, not just yours or mine anymore. At any rate, even keeping issues separated into your issues and my issues....our issues are still affecting our relationship and our marriage together in very negative ways. Yet we can't even work on this together since you want to keep these negative issues separate. I'm done my best to be loving, patient, and understanding but that doesn't seem to do any good either. I can't live like this, my stomach is in knots all the time, I feel the stress and tension begin the moment you walk in the door and I hear the sound of you popping the tops of your drink of choice. I can't just ignore what you are doing to your health or to our marriage with "your issue".....I've tried really hard to do that....but it's staring me in the face every day, it invades and affects my thoughts and life, steals my peace and my husband away from me more and more everyday. And I am growing bitter and resentful because of this even though I don't want to my heart to feel this way.
I think we both know that the best thing for me to do is just to go back to ________ until as you say......you deal with your issue. Because whether you see it as just yours or I see it as ours, the truth is that you are the only one who can do something about this issue. This is becoming clearer to me each day too. And until or if you do decide to do something about it.....I can't live with you anymore. I don't like the fact of this or really want this in my heart, but I also know that as long as this issue is controlling your life....we have no real life/marriage together. Your issue keeps driving a wedge between us that gets wider each day, and yet I have no way of making you realize this either. No matter what I say to you, you will always see me as "getting on your back" about this issue, so I don't feel I have been left with any choice but to remove myself from your life/your issue at this time. I'm not doing this to try to make you quit drinking. I'm doing this because it's the healthiest thing I can do for both of us now.
I don't want a divorce but I realize that I may not beable to come back and live with you anytime soon....and I will not be able to prevent you from getting one later on if that's what you decide you want. For now I hope you will be my husband in the ways you are able to at this time by continuing to support us. I need you to do this while I also work on my own personal issues of codependency, etc. I am going to try to get into the job training program in _________ if I qualify as I do not want all the financial burden to continue to be on you. But for a little while...it may have to be and I hope you will not resent this. I will live with _______ and ______ while I am down there as I do need the loving support of my family now and I can also help them out some too while being there as Granny for our grandchildren.
I guess I should have just stayed when I was down there a few months ago as it has not been very good for either one of us since I got back. I'm sorry about my part in this, I honestly have done the best I could here but I am just not able to cope with your issue on a daily basis Honey and as much as I love you, I just don't know if I ever will be able to do that. I do know that I'm going to go to AlAnon and CoDa meetings in _______, as well as go back to Church on a regular basis. Sometimes I feel I have lost my hope and faith and yet I know alot of this is because I have backslidden in my spiritual walk and I need to change this first of all.
I don't know want to believe this is the end for us, yet in my heart I feel we have never really had a true beginning. God's Word says that nothing is impossible for Him....and I'm going to hang on to that promise with everything in me... for my heart's desire is to one day truly be your wife and you my husband in every way that God ordained a married couple to be.
I would like to talk about the financial arrangements this weekend with you. And then next week I will pack and head to ________. I know you are really concerned about your Mom right now and if I could I would be there for you in this....but the alcohol seems to bring you more comfort than I ever could in this. All I feel I can do is just keep all of you in prayer.
Take care of yourself Honey and know that I am loving you the best I can now....just as I know you are me.
________
__________________
When my mind is troubled and I feel like giving up, I turn to God and His promises sing in me. I let Him calm my spirit and bring me peace in the midst of my trials.
I know writing a letter such as this is heartwrenching, but it is the first step in setting boundaries for yourself. Letters are sometimes the best way to do this if a couple can't talk in person. You followed the rules and said what you meant, meant what you said, but didn't say it mean.
Keep to your alanon program and going to meetings and that will help you to know where to go from here. Working on your spiritual foundation is a very important thing to be doing during a time like this and i know that you are.
Keep you head up and your eyes on the program and you will make it through this to the other side, whatever that turns out to be.
Wow! I was thinking of talking about this tonight too, Honey. Yes..I will support and take care of you as I always have, and thank you for your honesty..I know this is hard for both of us, but I do believe that it will all work out to Gods glory. What you have said was very well put and right on the mark. I am sorry I was loud last night..I needed a good laugh. I love you Barbara never forget that!
The above is my AH's reply to my letter to him. He is sober right now because he is at work and I am thankful that today at least we are able to resolve this peacefully. I am also thankful that although he has not been able to be a husband to me emotionally, physically, or spiritually.....he has been faithful in supporting us both financially. I know at least for awhile I can count on him for this, and if or when I can't anymore....then God will be my provider just like He is ours now. I also am thankful that my AH has been good to me in the ways he could be. After reading so many horrow stories about what other spouses of A's have had to endure, I know I am one of the blessed ones here. Yet, daily living with an alcoholic, watching them destroy not only themselves but everything good in their lives...is a life I would not even wish on my worst enemy. I am thankful I can find some blessings to count in my life with my AH and I hope and pray he will get the help he needs to be set free from this disease and addiction. Although I cannot live with him any longer, I still love him and will never quit praying that he will want to be made well. I pray that for all of us who love an alcoholic or anyone with an addiction.Wilted
-- Edited by Wilted at 10:37, 2008-05-30
-- Edited by Wilted at 10:57, 2008-05-30
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When my mind is troubled and I feel like giving up, I turn to God and His promises sing in me. I let Him calm my spirit and bring me peace in the midst of my trials.
When I read your post what I saw so clearly in myself was that I was always way more committed to the relationship than the exA was. He used that very successfully for himself. He would still use but I am no longer committed to the relationship. I was far far far far more concerned about his feelings than my own, I had zero minus zero self preservaton none at all. I was way over the line in being concerned about his moods, welfare, health, success and not at all about my own.
When I read your post what I saw so clearly in myself was that I was always way more committed to the relationship than the exA was. He used that very successfully for himself. He would still use but I am no longer committed to the relationship. I was far far far far more concerned about his feelings than my own, I had zero minus zero self preservaton none at all. I was way over the line in being concerned about his moods, welfare, health, success and not at all about my own.
Just my ESH. Your letter was very helpful to me.
Maresie. I have always been more committed to relationships too. I guess that's part of the codependent in me. At least I can see it now and recognize it for what it is. And also recognize that for me, this kind of relationship just isn't going to work anymore. What's really funny is that my AH is always telling me what a good woman I am and for me not to forget that. This is actually backfiring on him because I have finally believed this about myself....I am a good woman....and I deserve much more than I am getting here. If he wants to continue giving alcohol what he should be giving me, then that's his choice to make but it's a choice that I choose not to accept any longer. I have to accept that he doesn't base his choices on what's best for us and I can no longer base my choices on that either. There actually is no us.....only him and his alcohol!
I've pretty much been raised my whole life to put others needs before mine, and that giving is better than receiving. I have come to realize that in a healthy relationship both people get their needs taken care of and that there is a healthy balance between giving and receiving in healthy relationships too. That's what I'm reaching for now, and I pray my HP who I call God will give me the wisdom and discernment to not ever settle for less again.
Wilted
-- Edited by Wilted at 14:03, 2008-05-30
-- Edited by Wilted at 14:11, 2008-05-30
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When my mind is troubled and I feel like giving up, I turn to God and His promises sing in me. I let Him calm my spirit and bring me peace in the midst of my trials.
