The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not quite sure what is happening other than multiple miracles - biggies - in the last 24 or so hours.
My b/f bff (known him just a year, he's not in any 12 steps, not an A) anyway... has been talking to, planting seeds w/ my mother... yesterday after 30 years (I'm 40) of being a literal "parrot" saying there has always been a screw loose or something with me, said "maybe we can get you to see a doctor" idk, we have talked so much, flood gates of communication have been opened.
2-3 days ago, I was slightly irritated that the talking was going on behind my back but now we are all talking.
I certainly don't discount the prayers, feedback, love & support here esp this last week, few days ~ all I can say is I am transforming, my mother & I who don't communicate well emotionally together, have talked about anything & everything as its relevence has come up!
Last week, I was utterly giving up & now feel palpable changes, miracles happening.
Ten days ago, I was at mom's house, we were in the hot tub - I told her I had been writing suicidal notes nearly daily for amonth now & she kind of spaced off - & said (her b/f) "he begs me not to kill myself all the time." She too is ACoA, ADHD, has depression, it's extremely difficult for her to express herself as they were from the 'seen & not heard' camp.
She jumped out to water plants or something & I just sobbed - she was oblivious.
Yesterday, I reminded her of that & said, "no one is begging me to be alive, I know you love me but you never say it."
She sd, "well, I am begging you now not to do that & I want to hug you and not your corpse & I love you." OMG that is a miracle!
I sd, "but you encouraged me to express myself & my feelings & can't ever hear me, it has made it so difficult for us." She sd, "but I didn't want you tohave the same issues, abuse, hang ups & prejudices I had, I tried to break it all so you could be liberated & open minded. I didn't want that abuse to pass on to you."
I said, "and now it is coming full circle, you can be healed too."
omg, OMG, OMG!!!! I have been hopeless for 25 yrs, dying inside for 15 years... and in the last 2 days, feel excited, happy, amazed, experiencing true miracles, hopeful & grateful... this new communication.
Last night at dinner, this (younger) man said, "you are my best friend & I love you" _ I said, "what kind of thing is going on... I say the same thing to my mother for 30 years & all of a sudden, I feel a subtle psychic shift in the last few days & the tone, attitude of my mother is 180*, she suddenly is aware of me again... this is your doing, isn't it?" he wouldn't say yes but smiled.
Divine physician of my soul, heal me now! Thank You, thank You... someone said... 'God's love is perfect, just receive it' idk I'm paraphrasing.
I have virtually embraced death this past 2 years... I suddenly have energy to move, to live!
-kitty of light might be coming back to the light!!!!!!! It sure feels like it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am happy to hear that you are having some good days finally. Remember to keep them close when you have not so good ones. Really sometimes recovery is a roller coaster for awhile. It was for me. I had revelations and breakthroughs, and I also had some really bad days. The really good ones sustain us and eventually things start to even out. That is wonderful. I am so glad you have had some real communication with your mom. I try to remember that everyone has thier personal issues that color the way they interact with others. Sometimes its just not about me. And sometimes the thing I need the most is just not something that the other person can give right now for their own reasons that have nothing to do with me. We all just try to do the best we can.
Now if I might suggest you look at your own changed thinking and attitudes, and how they may have helped this come to pass. The most powerful miracles often come from inside, not outside of us.
Keep doing what works.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
