Oh, ((((((((ss))))))) I can so relate!

Just keep thinking to yourself that these people have no more power in your life. Because they don't. And, they are probably not giving you a second thought. Why waste your energy on them? They are not worth it.

I have court next week for a visitation issue and my lawyer called today basically to let me know that my ex is an idiot. I knew that. I knew I have court next week and if I let myself I can get carried away with the PTSD and sink and not move. Insted, I decided to not think about it at all until next week. I am giving myself a few hours the evening before I go to feel like heck and probably the next day for a few hours after court. I guess I will see how I feel. I don't know what the outcome will be but I am having faith that I will be able to deal with whatever it is.

But I am guessing that my ex is not thinking much of me at all. Good for him! Why waste my precious energy on him?

Oh, you lucky girl! The intimidating lawyeron your sideis a blessing. As long as you have let her know what you want, let her do her job. She WILL do it! And trust your HP. Your HP already has a plan and knows the outcome. Truly hand it over and let it go. Your HP knows your every need.

As for being intimidated by peopleI was the poster child for it! I was so horribly shy when I was young. I went through a young marriage to a drug / alcohol addicted person who was also abusive and adulterous. So Ive actually been through a 12-step drug abuse program before. That program was a blessing to me. I used to say that he was there for drug abuseand I was there for life abuse. Even when he quit going, I kept going.

I took so much abuse. I was so worried about the way people looked at me, thought about me. For years I suffered in the heat of summer because I didnt want to wear shorts because he would tell me I didnt look good in shorts! Now, I grew up a dancer and was always in the gym. I had no real reason to feel that way; but I let people, including him, intimidate me!

But I think most of use have a more assertive, confident person inside of us, if we could only find a way to help release that other person. I sometimes let mine slip back a little, like this week. But that person is still in there. I know this because just the week before, I was told after a meeting, by a co-worker, how much she admired my assertiveness and strength! What a change from the shy, downcast-eyed, thought-I-was-gonna-throw-up-when-I-met-a-new-person girl that I was so many years ago.

I have to say there was a turning point for me. Those many years ago when I was involved with the Palmer Drug Abuse Program (the 12-step with my ex), I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on a suggestion of a friend (he was my hairdresser and a recovering addict). After the meeting, he began to call on me once in a while because my (now) ex and I separated, and he was concerned for my situation. One evening on the phone, he made a comment that changed my life. He said, You must have the cleanest floors! I said, Why? And he said, Because you are always looking down!

Now, I always have had a clean-floor fetish! But seriously, he unknowingly made a very strong point with me. He is still my friend (and hairdresser - a really good one!) today. He is 24 yeas sober.

But his comment made such an impression on me that I made it a pointI mean a strong, personal pointto catch myself looking down (and I would visualize clean floors and hear his statement every time!). And when I did this, I would purposely pull my chin up and look straight ahead. I also started to try to make it a point to look into people's eyes and really listen to what they had to say instead of focusing on how I might feel (because intimidation had such a strong hold on me). To this day, I don't know that I could walk with my head hung down. My chin is always held high and I present myself with a confidence that defies who I used to be. People NEVERand I mean, NEVERbelieve I was EVER shy or intimidated.

That doesn't mean that a situation can't temporarily intimidate me (especially in an argument). But it's a different thing now. I know that once I've grieved what has happened, I can pull my chin back up and keep on going. I might need some encouraging words here and there (maybe a lot sometimes, like now). But I know that I will never again be so intimidated that I can't stand up for myself. There is a very satisfying feeling that comes with having that type of strength and confidence.

I'll also tell you that a lot of healing comes from the 12-step programs. This is my first round in Al-Anon, although I've always been told I should attend. And now, I really need it, considering my current situation (not quite sure how I ended back up in one of these situations, though).

But in the 12-step drug program, I also found I was afraid to touch or be touched. My counselor (for my "life abuse") tasked me with standing outside the meeting room door one evening and hugging EVERY person who came through that door. I've been a hugger ever since (got hooked on it)! There is something so healing in a hug. You might even try to get a few before going to court (if you haven't been yet). Or heck, just try to get a few, anyway! =)

And then at another meeting, a person walked through the door that nearly sent me right back into my previous state of beinga man who had many years earlier raped me. Unfortunately for me, he had a drug problem and had as much right there as I did. Probably more, since I was there for other reasons. So after a temporary breakdown, I resolved to confront him. One night after a meeting, I made it a point to sit down with him. Shaking and in fear, of course, I recounted for him what had occurred. He sat in disbelief. He said was so strung out on drugs back then, he had no idea how much hurt and pain he had caused me then and that I had carried for so many years. He sat there and cried. I could not help myself, and had to reach out to him. I embraced him, cried with him, and forgave him. It was the best thing I'd ever done for myselfand probably for him, as well.

Now, if I can just find the courage to stand up in the relationship I am in now. I wish I could grab onto a great deal of that strength and really do something constructive with it. It seems like it's not as easy to be so strong in a love relationship.

But you ARE strong...you just need to reach down and pull it out. It's in you. I promise. And stare the intimidating "whatever" square in the face and make the outcome what you want it to be. Hug it, if you have to. Laugh at it, if you have to. Do what makes you feel the strength rise up. Then do it again the next time, and the next. It will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

I have to leave you with this, as it's important to know and draw on for continued hope and strength (read the verse, especially the first sentence - and you can replace God with HP, if you want, in the second sentence). You may suffer at times, but you are enduring and building character (strong, non-intimidated). This, in turn, provides hope. You have a strong future.

Romans 5:3-5 "Not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Now this hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Danette, hold you head high and repeat after me:  "I am as good as anyone else in this world, and better than most.  I am inferior to NO ONE!!!"  When the doubt starts to creep in, repeat this phrase as necessary.  You know, if you hear something often enough you actually begin to believe it.

Hang in there tough.  You can do it.

Diva