The material presented
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The recent threads on suicide have reminded me of a learning and awareness that I went through about four years ago....
I had met a friend, in one of my ex's Rehabs - his name was Garry, and he was the most unlikely of all friends for me at the time..... He was a lifelong addict/alcoholic, built like a bodybuilder, tattoos all over, with long hair, and looked like he'd be trouble...... I think I had huge issues with appearance at that time, and likely judged Garry before we had even spoken, as I am conservative, clean cut, etc..... Well, as luck & growth would have it, Garry and I became friends.... He was one of the gentlest souls I have ever run across.... He used to send me poems he had written, about eagles, nature, etc.... He LOVED the little things in life, and enjoyed his sobriety so much..... He was determined to beat this addiction thing, that had pretty much consumed his whole adult life....
The one issue that kept getting in the way for Garry, however, was his longing for his parents' love and approval.... He was an ACOA, and his Dad was a mean, abusive man..... His mother coped primarily by denial, and so Garry was never able to receive any love and comfort from either of them.....
When he was just 40 years young, Garry couldn't handle the internal anguish anymore, and chose to take his own life, by way of a lethal heroin overdose (not his typical drug of choice). We had talked for countless hours in the weeks leading up to this decision, but he clearly made a conscious choice to just "end the pain".
At his funeral.... there were likely 200+ people in attendance, most of them alcoholics/addicts in various stages of their recovery..... They had an open microphone, and one by one, people came up and told amazing story after amazing story, about how Garry had touched their lives, and how important he had been in THEIR recovery..... (note: if you want a quick funeral, do NOT have an open microphone in a group of alcoholics!!! :)
On my way out of the funeral, the overwhelming feeling coming over me was sadness, that Garry could not see/feel this "family" of his, where he was truly loved, admired, respected, and appreciated..... I couldn't help but think if only he had been able to get over that hump, and had been able to see that his "family" had truly become his adopted family of recovery, as opposed to the more traditional family of origin...
I happen to be fortunate, that my family of origin is supportive and loving, and for that I will always be thankful..... Many of us on here are not so fortunate, but what an amazing family MIP (and/or f2f meetings, other tools of recovery) have become for many of us..... I appreciate each and every one of you, including those I have "battled" with on issues that seem somehow a bit less significant today.... I am thankful for my "recovery family", of which MIP plays a significant role....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a touching story. Many of us are in the same place as your friend. I am fortunate to have a few family members that are supportive, but as I also am ACOA, the scars run very deep for the majority of my family. Most of them have not sought any help.
How fortunate that you were able to share a piece of this wonderful mans life. I know you were both much better for having known each other.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Not so amazing that a very similar event as you with your "recovering" friend should also happen miles south of you. Our's was not named Garry and the story is very similar. It's ironic that you use the word "Battling" in this post as in our meeting last evening the statement was discussed that one object of recovery was to stop battling with others and to do battle with ourselves. Proverbally "change".
No matter the form of ultimate surrender I am sure HP always waits open armed.
I relate to the open mike/meeting metaphor. Soooo true.
You know, Tom, your story makes me wish there was some way folks who are battling with themselves could be honored with the open mike stories of their funeral beforehand, during their life....... maybe their life would continue longer. Or maybe it reminds us to write a note of appreciation to those who have touched our life, it could make all the difference perhaps and can be reread as needed.
I have a friend in his 50's who was worked out of his job and did odd jobs here & there but it affected his self esteem & confidence. He went on a mens religious retreat which I was contacted to mail him a letter of how he had made a difference in my life. The letters he recieved from many had a profound impact on his life, he had confidence again and took more risk to teach in Alaska for many school years.
Goes back to one of my earlier posts that we all have the fundamental need to feel valued, treasured or cherished. It can't be earned though, it is a gift for being who we are, not what we do.
Your post is very moving and I am really glad you shared this.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Tom, what a profound and totally right-on post...thank you for your honesty and your share this day. Really touched me where I needed it. So true, your words. Hugs, J.
That was a wonderful post, Tom. Thank you for that. Too often the diseases of alcoholism, addiction, and co-dependency convince us we're totally alone. We can't see beyond the avalanche of problems we're buried under and so we forget about those who love and care about us.
I needed this reminder myself today. I'm having a serenity-blasting moment this morning and it just isolates my mind so much. All I can see is the problems instead of looking at the big picture. It's like looking at a 1000-foot wall and seeing a teensy crack in it and focusing in on that little bitty crack and forgetting the rest of the wall is there.
You're right - in my case, I have a loving immediate family, I have a loving extended family, I have a loving brother- and mother-in-law, I have loving friends, and I have a loving support group in Al-Anon. For the one disruptive alcoholic in my life, I have a good 20, 30, 40+ people in my life who are NOT disruptive.
Definitely high time I change my focus. Remember the slogans... "How important is it?", "One day at a time."
Thank you SO very much for your share. I needed it.
oh.... Aloha's post reminded me of one of the gems that Garry shared with me.....
We were talking late one night, after I had a particularly rough day at home, with my (then-active) wife, etc...... Garry told me that the BIG difference between people like him (addicts) and people like me (non-addicts), was that.....
"I (non-addict) know when I am having a lousy day, that it is just that - a lousy day, and for the most part, we assume that tomorrow will be better.... An alcoholic/addict often sees 'having a bad day' as the start of the walls closing in, of hopelessness, etc....."
It would seem to me, that as we get more and more enmeshed in our A's sickness, that we ourselves start to get more and more along that same defeatist path..... When we start to find our recovery, and rediscover ourselves, we get back to healthier thinking.....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I do know for sure coming to terms with abusive parents is a huge life task. Not everyone does it. Some remain in denial, some remain totally fused at the hip and others can't make it through the pain. I made it through the pain but can't say yet I've built a life for myself.
(((Tom))) Thank you for sharing this. I too grew up chasing the love and affection of my alcoholic father. Although not addicted to drugs and alcohol, I became addicted to those who were and tried for years to accomplish with them what I could not with my father.
Just a couple of short years ago I knew I had to let go of the chasing. It was getting me nowhere and I was miserable each time I was met with indifference. It was painful but I knew I had to. I do have a relationship with my father - one that he is capable of. I can accept it for what it is today.
I learned that my Alanon family was there for me unconditionally even when those I loved couldn't be. I am sorry that Garry could not see that miracle. I hope his soul is finally at peace.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
"I (non-addict) know when I am having a lousy day, that it is just that - a lousy day, and for the most part, we assume that tomorrow will be better.... An alcoholic/addict often sees 'having a bad day' as the start of the walls closing in, of hopelessness, etc....."
Tom,
I can relate to this as Garry did, even though I am NOT an addict. I often saw 'having a bad day', as 'the start of the walls closing in', of 'hopelessness', of the end of being able to cope, of not being of any value to anyone...and I so feel for him, that he did not find this family to bring him through, that he did not see himself as others saw him.
It has taken years and years of slow slow progress, often one step forward and ten backwards. Then a miracle happened, I found this family. I began to TALK, really talk to people who really LISTENED and I began to understand that I was not alone, I was not the only one going through, feeling, needing help support and love.
I had given so much I had NOTHING LEFT over the years and did not have any confidence either. No job, no family, no friends calling in, no prospects, health failing and surgery, surgery, surgery and financial difficulties not of my own making.
Slowly as I worked this programme, as I gained more confidence to share and open myself up to the honesty of my situation I found that I began to learn about myself, look at myself as others looked at me and accept myself as they accepted me too.
This family is what my God brought me to and for my recovery has kept me within. This family is for me and for you and for anyone else who needs it. This family is big hearted, and caring and accepting and I am so glad that I found it, with help of course, rather than feel that I had reached the end of the line. For me the end of the line was HERE, and I thank God for that.
So touched, so grateful and so very much alive, at long last. Thank you for sharing this. It is good to affirm what this family has done for me, for I hope it will be so much more for many many others too.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 10:25, 2008-05-30
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank you for your beautiful post and story. I would have liked to have met your friend Garry. I prefer to be in the company of those type of beautiful people as he was. I too wish he had had his eulogy before he took his own life.
You are growing, my friend. You are growing.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you for the reminder. I too am beyond greatful that I have this family. It has literally saved my life. While I am not prone to suicidal thoughts (thanks HP), the dispair I felt before I found this remarkable group was profound. Alanon saves lives as many of us have said time and again. We are never alone in this journey of recovery. Thanks for letting get to know Garry. What a man. You were both blessed by each other's friendship. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
