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I wanted to start a new post because I don't want to interrupt someone else's. I hope I get some response, as I'm new to this. I fell in love with an A and I'm struggling. It was his alcoholic grandfather he looked up to, and his own father who was strictly religious and non-alcoholic but very abusive.
He is a wonderful man...when he is sober. I've never felt so loved...when he is sober. He thinks the world of me...when he is sober.
Myself the adult child of an alcoholic, should know better. I've been dealing with this for 2 years 8 months now. At first I blamed myself because I had emotions after going through a divorce before meeting him...and felt I was still dealing with those issues. But the only thing that has helped...and it's been only this year that it has been somewhat better...is deciding that when he does this and it makes me feel uncomfortable, is politely excusing myself saying, "I love you, but I'm uncomfortable when this happens" and finding something else to occupy my time until we cool off and can talk.
However, I still get blind-sided at tmes. It happened yesterday. I did not realize, until I was leaving due to an argument, that he had downed 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of bourbon before I got to his house (with my two boys in tow). Ten minutes after arriving, I found myself leaving feeling sick and shaking, after his angry tones and harsh words and his having a problem with what I said in response to one of his hypothetical "what ifs". I said I was planning to stay the night, if he had no problem with it. Apparently he thought I stated it incorrectly. So when he said what if he did have a problem with it, I said "then I would leave". I said so because whenever he is angry and tells me to leave, he says I should always "respect his wishes" and leave. He has gotten VERY angry before when I did not leave as soon as he told me to (not a nice picture). And when he gets like this, and says to leave or he demands I leave, he often threatens that it will be "forever" if I do leave (like yesterday).
So I tried to explain to him (before realizing how drunk he was) that now I am confused and please help me to understand because he asked me what I would do if he had a problem with me staying, and I told him I would leave (like he always wants me to do out of respect)...and now he is angry that I said I would leave! So, of course, I could not stay and subject my boys to what was happening. And now that I had to leave, he has not conetacted me. The last time this happened I stayed gone for about a week. I wasn't sure what to do. Then when I went to his house, he said it was "too late" and we were over because I "took too long to come back"!
He always expects me to come back, or be the one to reach out, regardless of what occurred to cause the problem. I have a horrible feeling in my gut that this is another of those times that if I don't reach out, he will say it's over. And then I wonder if it should be. I feel so helpless because I love him so much. And I know...and his parents tell me always...that he does love me dearly. Actually, he says the same...when he's sober. He says he's never even known love like this and it scares him.
But I'm scared! I don't it want to be over because when he is sober, it is so wonderful. But I don't want to feel like a doormat. Oh, and feelings are taboo. For some reason, when I feel hurt, it really angers him. He says it's because he doesn't like to see me hurt or cry. But why anger?
I really need some advice. How do I let him go? Is it true that if he loves me so much that he will realize it and figure things out...even if it takes a long time? Or does alcohol win? Does he really not love me like he says and the truth is what he speaks when he's been drinking? If so, how could he ever say he loves me, even when he is sober?
I really need help. This hurts so badly, and I feel like a mess.....
Welcome to MIP! You are not alone. One adage in Alanon is you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. We need to make decisons to take care of ourselves not to curb the A's reaction. My AHsober is a wonderful man, I love him, I miss him and it does hurt. I have learned the his good stuff is as much as the disease as his bad stuff. Iti is he same guy. If we don't get into a recovery program ( the A and us) we won't get better.
Oh, I dont think hell ever enter a recovery program. I dont think he sees himself as an A. I am careful not to call him that, either. I have thought about joining a program for myself, however. I believe they may have one where I work. Im afraid to go to that one, though, because he also works there and just accepted a really great job offer that will take him through retirement with the Government. I dont want to jeopardize his job or reputation at work. I do worry, though, that he will end up ruining that in the long run.
I say that because he takes a lot of chances, like driving after drinking and bringing a drink in the car with him. I have set boundaries, though. Like I dont ever allow him to bring a drink with him if we are riding in my vehicleits against the law. And I've started to refuse to get in his vehicle if he's been drinking.
Things were actually getting a lot better. He finally started to realize how much his drinking was hurting us when I stopped being available when he was drinking. He also began to be concerned with his own health. Ive never demanded he stop drinking, but I have let him know when it bothers me or I worry for his health. And now I do things to take care of me instead of letting him upset me.
I guess what was so upsetting yesterday was that I walked into this totally unexpected situation, as he hasnt drank this much in at least a couple of months, or maybe three now. He had cut back a lot and wasnt drinking every night anymore.
Yesterday, I got the feeling that he was upset because I spent the day away from him (although I took the day off, as did he). However, I never said I took it off to spend with him. Actually, I told him I was helping my daughter with her children in the morning because she had exams at the college. I was shocked that he spent the day drinking instead of doing the many things he was supposed to do.
So Im truly at a loss as to why the setback. Worse, I felt like he was seething mad and if I didnt know better, I would think he hated me. I really think sometimes that I must be crazy for loving this person like I do. I want to help myself, but Im also concerned that he will feel I have abandoned him.
I feel its too late to walk awayand at the same time, I wonder if its the right thing to do, even if it hurts forever. I dont want another man in my life. This is harder than I could have imagined.
Hush, Most of members on this site and in Al-Anon have had to deal with some, or all of the problems you are experiencing now. We have all done the same crazy, insane things you are doing now. Just remember, nothing you do or say is going to change your Alcoholic. I say again NOTHING. He is the only one who can do that, and only if he decides to.My AW is an active A. I can relate to the first part of your post. I used to think, why can't she be like this all the time. Just like you, there would be great days, and misersable days. There still are days when almost anything I say will be taken the wrong way. We just always have to remember that alocholism is a disease, and out of of our control. we can only control ourselves, and most important take care of ourselves. To start doing that we have to first admit we are powerless over Alcohol, and our lives have become unmanageable. You might not be able to admit that yet, but that is where you are. It was so hard for me to believe when I first came to Al-Anon that I needed to take care of myself first. That seemed selfish to me, and not the way I was raised. I knew I could fix the problem, after all, we are all fixers aren't we? I was given an example at that first Face to Face Al-Anon meeting, about how when you are on an airplane you are always told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. It is so true that if you do not take care of yourself first, you can not take care of anyone else. By posting here on MIP, and going to f2f Al-Anon meetings in your area you will change, and you will be better, I promise. There is a good chance the A in your life will see the changes in you, and may lead him to admit to himself he has a problem, and seek help. I can honestly say one of the best days of my life, was the day I walked through the doors at my first f2f meeting. I am sure there are other meetings in your area, rather than at his work place. You will meet wonderful people there, just like the members here on MIP. They will welcome you, and care about you, always be there for you. Remember, you will never be given do's , and don'ts here or at meetings, only experiences other members have had. You will make your own decisions, and learn to work your own program. One more thing, check out past posts on this site, and read what others have written in about. That will help you more than you can realize. Glad you are here, keep coming back, and get to a f2f meeting as soon as possible. Start your recovery. RLC
Well, I hope I did the right thing today. He finally text messaged me (he "hates" talking on the phone). He said good morning and asked if I was speaking to him yet. I could not think of a thing to say back.
So after a while, I wrote back and said, "I don't know what to say. I need time to think things over." I hope I was clear and not offending to him.
I'm struggling with him yelling at me so much, too. It has always been something I don't like, and have expressed to him on many occassions. He says he is "just being emphatic." He actually told me the other day that he has only yelled at me about 3 times since we've been dating! It's wearing on me and my feelings for him. I know he also hates when I have feelings or emotion; but I am a woman, and those are paramount to having feelings *for* him! I'm not sure if he will ever understand that. I need him to quit yelling at me. That's the quickest way to bring me to tears.
Thank you all for your advice and understanding. I am going to try to find a face-to-face meeting here that I can go to. At work would have just been easier due to logistics and time (I could go to a lunch meeting). I guess that's the downfall of working at the same place, that I don't want to mar his reputation.
BTW...it seems that my post posted twice, so I have two threads going. I guess I will post this to both thrads (if it doesn't do it on it's own, automatically).
I have certainly been where you are, treading on eggshells. Here in al anon we learn to detach and not take it so personally. I have over reacted, over analyzed, felt less than most of my life. Coming here is a revelation. I think your text to him was a very good example of taking care of yourself, good for you!
I also think this work is tough going especially in the beginning. Remember for us practice helps. Practising detaching which is actually what you did when you said I need time to think about this is such hard work. The rewards are infinite. There are all kinds of examples about how to work this program. Most of us come in here at step one. In fact I'm still on step one every day but at a different level (not that I think there is such a thing as advanced recovery at all). I know its been important for me to immerse myself in this program. Can you get a hold of any literature, Melody Beattie and Pia Melody and the Al anon literature are really good.
Alcholism is cunning baffling and powerful. I think it also creates and thrives in chaos. When I stopped being chaotic I found lots of solace.
I hope you are going to stick around here, read the archives, follow threads get to know people. People here are accepting, non judgemental, loving, kind and fiercely devoted to recovery. That's a pretty special group!
Oh, I'm going to have to stick around. I'm only beginning, really. I have been involved before in a 12-step drug abuse program with first ex-H (PDAP). I don't remember all, however.
I have heard of Pia Melody and looked at some things on line. I also still have a few old resources, but I'm sure some methodologies have changed. I did buy one book a few months back that seemed to help a ton...How to Get Your Loved One Sober without Nagging, Griping, Complaining (or something like that). It was actually very helpful and got us through the past several months, mostly unscathed...until now. We also tried counseling once (for couples). She said he needed to get the alcohol out of the way before we could work on our relationship (although to me, that was a lot of the reason I went because I know, even if he doesn't, that the majority of our issues revolve around his alcoholism). That did not do much, as he stopped off for a couple of drinks just before the counseling session and we've not been back!
Just wanted to repeat the welcome. Welcome here and try to find some face to face meetings in the area where you live. Al-Anon saved my life and sanity and I got a knee jerk old reaction from reading your recent experiences includ- ing going from...to another. Recovery isn't about stopping the alcoholic or the addict it's about stopping me from trying to stop the alcoholic or addict or anyone else for that matter that isn't living their life like I expect their life should be lived.
I see a lot of the cunning, powerful and baffling behavior of the diseased in you post. The power and control and manipulation is awesome to see worked. Seems like you're getting more of the alcoholic than the non. It's doesn't matter if you have a program to work for yourself.
Well, I found out that the Al-Anon meeting at work is on a Tuesday at lunch time. It is only once a month, though. I did find several others close to home, also, that are weekly on Saturdays. I thought I would try to make one at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.
I'm really trying to stand firm on my resolve to take the time I need (not the time he needs) to think things over and get some help. Although, I think that he is not calling or texting because he is angry that I am not around for him. That would be his usual response, anyway; and this could very likely end up in him deciding that this time is the last time, and breaking up with me. What really hurts is how he always treats me so wonderfully, and says how much he loves me, and talks of one day being married and moving forward in life togehter...then the next thing I know, I'm in living hell, not able to say anything right (in his mind), and on the verge of the end of a relationship with a man that I have I treasured in my heart and loved so much.
I wrote a letter to him last night, but don't think I'll send it. I put it away in a nightstand drawer, for now. I needed to at least write to get it off my chest, I guess, even if I never send it.
I'm now finding myself crying on and off...and I'm feeling scared. I'm not sure why I should feel scared. I know I'm successful in my life. I'm financially stable, have wonderful children, I'm attractive, well-liked and respected with friends and at work. Yet I feel so small right now...and I'm hurting so badly.
I'm going to the book store. I need to get out for a while. I'm going to see what I can find on Al-Anon, I guess. I'm not sure what else to do right now (my boys are with their dad this weekend). It's a hard time for me to be alone right now...but probably better for my boys.
