It has taken me nearly a month to recover from the drama I caught myself up in last month during the AA/Al-Anon convention. I became overwhelmed and then gravitated to old habits of wondering what my AH's next moves were going to be... when AH became irritable, I didn't know how to respond and berated myself for it. "I should have known better" thoughts raced through my head many times.

For the next several weeks, I just kind of walked in a fog... not really knowing what to do or expect... I kept up with my Al-Anon meetings, kept reading the materials, kept calling my sponsor, but nothing was really "clicking" for me. I just felt kind of hopeless and like a failure most of the time. Like I honestly had no idea what I was doing.

But I can feel I'm starting to get my courage back. Slowly, but it's coming back. It took me nearly a month to recover from it. But i think this is a great gauge for me, too, to realize how long it's going to take me in the long run to start changing my behaviors and reactions. It is not going to happen overnight. I have a lifetime to work at this.

It's good to be back, though, feeling more and more like I understand the program, and that I can keep applying it to my life... and I'm in a place where I feel it'll be okay if I slip. I always slip. We all slip a lot - (I think that's one of the reasons they don't give out chips at Al-Anon meetings! We'd have drawers-full of 24 hour chips, if even that!)

I think most of all, I'm glad to have that compassion back... compassion for my AH and all the turmoil he's going though, so I need not take it personal. I feel more willing to catch myself when I'm being unreasonable and to apologize where appropriate. I foresee a LOT of apologizing in my future. Not that that's an awful thing to do. If I'm serene and okay with myself, an apology does not make me "less" of a person.

I am praying, though, to my HP to give me guidance in some of the things I need to address. Guidance and good timing... I want to bury the phone issue with my AH. I want to let him know I'm not okay with turning the phone on immediately after meetings and being at his beck and call. I know, too, there's a better way to say it to him, so I'm praying for the right words when I get to that right timing. Praying, too, for strength to not cave if my AH complains about it or gets mad.

I'm praying, too, for the right words to tell my AH that I may not be able to take him to his court date on the 9th. I have many things I need to be at my job for that day, and my taking him to court just might not be possible. Praying, too, that whatever is going on in my life, my HP knows how to make certain events fall into place.

My AH has not asked me to attend his hearing with him. I frankly don't know if I want to. I've determined I'm leaving that question up to my AH to ask me. ASK me - not tell me. But I have to let life run its course, first... and there could be a good chance I'd be incapable of attending with him regardless. I'm on the fence about going. I'm afraid my mind might get too meddling if I go and hear what the judge tells him what he's supposed to do - I might start to try to take on a role of making sure he does what the judge told him. If I don't go, then my AH will only tell me what he feels like telling me, and if he leaves out things he doesn't want to do, then he's the only one who knows it.

Anyhow... that's a couple weeks off. Just trying to pray to my HP and watching as events fall into whatever order they need to fall in.

Weird thing is the following day is our court date with the old landlord about our security deposit. Strange, the timing of things. The day after that, I have the day off for King Kamehameha Day (a Hawaiian holiday).

I'm praying I can use that day off to have a pleasant day. :)

Okay, I've rambled enough, as always.