I imagine, it is a by-product of depression or any other of the myriads of mental illness that runs in the family, so instead of being an addict... I feel everything very much & genuinely.

I know for me the suicide stuff was how I learned to live as a child.  A friend of mine talked about it as a way to try to have power in a desperate situation. These days my dogs and cat help me a lot. I feel tremendously responsible for them and absolutely totally guilty that I left them with the a temporarily. He was off on his deep end and I know he hurt them whether he meant to or not he hurt them.   I make amends to them daily not for his acts because he has amends to make for that but my own amends that I simply could not find anywhere to live that would take them for a long time.

I think there is another side to the feeling deeply others pain, we can also feel joy and I get immense joy and love from my pets. They respond very well to my attempts (and it is an attempt some days) to care and love them and make sure their needs are taken care of (I do better some days than others).

I am so sorry you were in such terrible pain. I am glad you are still with us. You are a very important member of this group.

maresie.

You know, I'm not suicidal, but I can see how trying to grapple with things without working a twelve-step program that the mind can convince a person that there is simply no other way out. We trap ourselves in our own webs of worry, obsession, depression and then do a very good job at convincing ourselves that it's just hopeless. Happiness is not an option. Recovery is not an option. The only way out of our minds is to end it. It is amazing how powerful the mind is. But we often forget we can take that same power of obsession on bad things and turn it around into an honest focus of loving ourselves and being okay with ourselves. If we can convince ourselves that everything is hopeless, then we ALSO can convince ourselves that the world is blooming with happiness and joy and we can have it all.

I got caught up in that web of negativity - thinking there was no other way out of my misery when everything with my AH unraveled at the beginning of the year. I wasn't considering taking my life, but at the same time, I would not have objected to being hit by a bus because it would end the misery my mind had me trapped in.

It took me a long time to slowly work away from that misery. And it still likes to try to come back, too... that little voice that likes to tell me everything is hopeless... why bother, and so on and do forth. But I'm slowly getting better at walking away from those self-defeating thoughts. It's only through the Al-Anon program have I really started learning how to do it. Recognizing self-defeating thoughts as a sign that things in my life are unmanageable and then quickly remembering I have a HP and that HP is more than willing to take those problems if I'd just let it. And once I turn my worries over to my HP, it lifts a tremendous weight from my shoulders. I give myself permission to be happy.

I'm glad you're back - I'm glad your HP decided that day was not your time.

Remember you're loved here, and that on very many levels, we all understand what it's like to feel hopeless and lost, but we're all also learning how to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and move forward in happiness.

((((Kitty))))
Aren't you glad you are not alone? You are not alone.

And, I just want to add....

For me, instead of believing that I need to learn to love myself.... it's way easier to just ACCEPT God's love for me. Because my love is too imperfect anyway... I'm way too hard on myself...way too critical of myself.

God's love is perfect. God loves you. Claim this.

((((hugs))))