The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had the happy opportunity of being reunited with my childhood sweetheart of thirty years ago last year in the summer. It was the happiest I had ever been. He was married 29 years and unhappy, but not yet divorced. This made me feel insecure and vunerable. I also found myself reacting to his mood swings and his words more and more often. One day we had an argument on the phone, and I foolishly threatened to remove my things from his place. We both said things we didn't mean. It was out of control. He cancelled our plans for the night and three days later dropped my things off in a box. This man told me that he loved me and seen a future with me. I wondered how he could just turn on me ...just because I said that maybe it was better for me to just come and get my stuff?? I guess I don't always see how I bring on my own dilemmas. Anyway...He dropped me an email one day to tell me that I was the love of his life, but that he decided not to give me his heart, because I pulled away. I was devastated....
For six months I lamented this loss. Finally I found out that he had been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and that it was in stage IV and spread to his liver and three of his lymph nodes. He went home to get his affairs in order...but he returned home to me in late April. I was so happy. Yet I felt that maybe he was less than honest with me, since his someone told me that he found out about the cancer in November...and we broke up in October. I also found out that his wife had paid him a surprise visit just around the time he made up his mind to dump me. I had my doubts...and distrust...First he admitted that he was at fault and that he knew he had to make amends and that it would take time for our relationship to heal. By the time he got back home, after about two weeks, he was asking me when the heck I was going to let it go? I was still afraid that he might pull this hurtful disappearance again on my son and I.
He and I had our ups and downs ...adjusting to living together...and the cloud of cancer hanging over our heads. Yet I was committed no matter what the outcome. He drank a bottle a half pint of cognac and a half pint of amaretto Friday night and we ended up in an argument because he misunderstood something I said. No matter how much I explained myself and told him that he misunderstood me...he went on and on...He threatened to leave and I told him not to do that. Then he packed his bags. I then demanded the keys back, as I was not going to be his emotional punching bag...and there isn't a revolving door here to this relationship or being in my son's life. He then grew angrier and said, "So, now you're kicking me out?" I couldn't believe it. I was fighting with the drink. The more that I tried not to...the more hurtful his words and actions became and then it was in full force.
Memorial weekend passed and we just bickered more on the phone each blaming the other. He said he isn't coming back but will go to counseling and at this point I am so hurt, since he did the same thing he apologized for and promised to never do again. When we I ever learn how not to tango with this disease. My heart is broken. I love this man. I want him to live. I want him to be happy. It seems now all that comes out of his mouth is how messed up I am and how he had total clarity of mind. He insists that I created this whole drama. I just couldn't handle anymore. I had to walk away. At the same time I am sad....and still love him.I go back and forth between feeling I deserve better and beating myself for losing my cool. How do I deal with all of this? Any comments or suggestions or shares are welcome. Thanks.
It is always bittersweet to be in love with an A (you didn't call him an A but that's alot of cognac). With my AHsober who left 3 years it is always a roller coaster ride. He comes then he leaves then he loves me and then he doesn't. See the pattern? I have been told time and time again here at MIP that it is the disease talking. My A believes what he says at the time and then doesn't remember that he said it. Don't drive yourself crazy. Try some face to face Alanon meeting. They help. Set your boundaries. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
Detaching helps. Whenever I find myself in a cycle of over reaction I have to take a step back. I also think for me personally I have to examine my expectations almost on the hour. When I expect someone to be "there" totally committed to me and my well being I am personally for me setting myself up. That's my job. My job is to take care of me and make me happy.
For me personally in the relationship I just had for 7 years it was really loaded all the time with drama, he also had a severe illness (so do I but I don't take that into account) there were tremendous fights, reconciliations, drama, other people involved (his family, friends who ever he could rope in). I felt desolate, hopeful, on edge all the time. My life began and ended every single day. That's a very hard way to live personally. I have to really take a huge back seat when it comes to "drama" anymore not that life is not dramatic and there are not huge decisions to make every day.
The A and I broke up daily, we fought day in day out. I called him 20 times a day. One call from him could devastate me for months, I'd do a play by play to whoever listened and somehow I found people who listened. I spoke only about him, nothing else, no other interests compared.
I saw a woman neighbor today who is in much the same kind of relationship walking towards her boyfriend, nothing else in her mind but this relationship whatever it was how her life depended on it. I know that made me very uncomfortable not to mention irritated.
Detaching helps not because it's a way to stop and regroup and think about the life you have rather than plough back into the high charged high thrill, high loss kind of relationship. Detaching gives you a breathing space.
Detaching means that you can take a breath rather than feel your whole life depends on what he says, does, thinks, feels.
I used to believe the whole responsibilty for the A's life depended on me. Obivously the A who I was once so so responsible for is still alive (although quite how I am not sure but he is nevertheless alive). I believe he has a higher power who for whatever reason has him alive (not for the A's reason because he certainly has put himself in harm's way tremendously). I really do embrace the three C's. I cannot control someone, I did not cause someone's pain (although I may have contributed to it the responsibilty for no one's life bar my own is not mine - I have no children) and most importantly of all I can't cure it. How I felt I could cure the A of every single one of his problems, second guess him, work out what were lies, what might be, how could I "make" him better and more. He never did want to be cured though I really came to grasp that and turn my vision to myself rather than fixate on him still more and drown in sorrow, grief and rage.
There are incredibly valuable tools available in this program, detaching, reviewing, declaring our lives unmanageable (how hard it is to ask for and actually receive help!). There is also this board where you can come and meet and know others who have certainly been there, done that, walked the way and lived to tell about it.
Thank you for your responses and your identification!! I pushed myself out of the house today and took my son for a drive. I decided that I was worth a night off and treated myself and my son to a wonderful meal at a local restaurant. I came home and used my phone list and I am back on track. I know that I WANT to be HAPPY. I came into the program because I was miserable and didn't know why. Today I know that Happiness is an inside job and up to me. It is true ...I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I certainly can't control it...and it actually is easier to LET GO. I don't need to sit in all that misery and drama with him. I choose to detach with love and pray for him and to live today in the presence of my Higher Power. I am powerless over my A's perceptions, delusions, feelings and choices and I can't make him want to SEE, to change or to Love me or Himself...and I had to ask myself today...So what if he doesn't love me...?? There are so many wonderful people in my life today..Healthy people who know me ..warts and all..who love me and accept me unconditionally. So ..just for today I will hold onto these things and focus on me and the good that is in me and all around me. Tomorrow..?? I will deal with tomorrow!! Thanks again for sharing your experience, strength but most of all your HOPE!
What a great quote so what if he doesn't love me. I spent 7 years trying and craving and failing to make an active and self destructive A love me. So what? He may not love anyone. I was ridiculously jealous of the people he paid attention to. I got a lot of rage, envy, processing out there about my family of origin stuff (this was all about re-enacting my family of origin) but as far as being productive, happy, contented, focused I was all over the place. That's why I am where I am right now.
I understand you completely Maresie! I have been in Al-Anon for about 13 years now...and well...needless to say...I'm never cured...Can only keep this disease under arrest as long as I do what I need to do to keep the focus on me in order to maintain my serenity. It was an emotional morning today....I went to have breakfast with my sponsor and get all of those feelings out. I had a good cry and then went out into the beauty of the day to run errands and got alot accomplished. I also slept much better last night.
I know that it won't be easy...but I will be o.k. as I work on ME. I know it is said that this disease is insidious, cunning and baffling....I guess I am stuck in BAFFLED right now ....and that is o.k...for the moment. I need time to grieve ...to process...and surround myself with as much support as possible. Thanks again for reaching out and sharing it means alot to me.
