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I've never posted something before and not sure how this goes - so I'm just going to write my thoughts and see if there's any feedback or thoughts from anybody...
Two years ago I met "Adam", 9 months ago I finally "figured out" he is an alcoholic - he had hidden it and disguised his behavior as a health problem. Of course I felt stupid, betrayed... all the traditional emotions. And by then I had also become your text book co-dependent. After I figured it out he was clean for 6 weeks - after that he did outpatient (per my request), he was sober for probably 4 weeks and then drank during treatment. He's very very good at hiding it and I finally bought a breathalizer so I wasn't driving myself crazy second guessing myself - of course I was right, he was drinking again. I had hit my limit and said I go or you go to inpatient - he finally went. He went to the best of the best (compliments of his parents) and I did the family program while he was there. After he came home he was clean for 2 weeks, and has slipped up on and off since, most recently on Saturday, ironically just after he completed the recommended outpatient follow up treatment. The good part is I don't go crazy anymore, in fact I feel very numb to it now.
The thing is, I want a family or at least a relationship where I can count on the other person to be there when I need them. And I feel that I deserve at least that. On the other hand if he had cancer or something, I would stand by him. I want to have trust and honesty and I'm not sure if this relationship can come back from this. I am so confused and want to make the right decision. When he's sober things are wonderful and we are great togeather. I'm just tired and hurt and sick of trying. I know he's trying too, but when says "screw it" and decides to drink and not do any of the 15 other options that came before that - it dosen't feel like he's trying.
You're commets would be much appreciated - is there a chance he will ever stay sober? Because everyone else I've talked to said there isn't...
You know when he's sober and things are so great between you guys? You know how good it is? Don't you want that all the time? If he had cancer, and you stood by him, you would know that he was going to be sick sometimes, that he would need treatments, that it could always come back. Can you live with and love the man he is when he is drinking? Beause he is who he is and you will never, ever change that. And unless he decides to get sober for himself, he will never maintain sobriety. No one can get sober FOR someone else or because someone they love told them to. Alcoholics would stop drinking if they could so as not to hurt those they loved. But it doesn't work that way.
I was married to an addict/alcoholic. I had 3 beautiful kids with him. I am divorced. If I had it to do over again I would have never made him a father. Never. Giving my kids a father who is an alcoholic was the worst decision I ever made. I was young, I didn't understand what alcoholism entailed. I was raised to be co-dependent. I would have had these kids at some point, of that I am sure and I do not regret having my kids. But I do wish I would have choosen better as far as picking a man who was worthy of having kids.
Only you can decide what is right for you. I, myself wanted to save him. I wanted everyone to see me as the hero. The one who got him to stop. I wanted to be his HP. I also was very familiar with the martyr role and fell into that quite easily when he didn't stop. Oh poor me, to have such a rotten husband, how do I do it? I was a victim by default.
I had many good times with him but the disease eventually stole those also.
This is just my ESH and there are many here who choose to stay. Even when the A stays active. I would just say it is ok as a personal decision, but to bring innocent people into already dysfunctional relationship is very unfair. Will he change? Will he ever stop drinking? Will he win the lottery? Will he be hit by a bus? If we knew the answers to the most popular "will he" questions then we would be billionaires.
Give yourself time and a good 6 months in this program before you make any major decisions. If you don't know what to do it's ok to do nothing.
I agree - your AH will only change and get sober for himself. No amount of prodding, pleading, crying, threatening, screaming, coaxing, etc. on your part will change that.
There is also the very real possibility that even if your AH did finally get sober and did it for himself that he could relapse. There are many AA members who've been sober for years and then relapsed, then got sober again, then relapsed again - they live this crazy yo-yo of a life between being drunk and sober.
If you read the AA Big Book, you'll realize that the A's are MISERABLE in their disease. They see very clearly the hurt going on. They would like it to stop, but they want oh so desperately to be able to "drink like a gentleman". They want to be able to just have one beer, or one glass of wine and be able to say "no" to any more. They want to be able to drink and not get drunk. So they try and try and try to do it, but they often fail, and when they fail, then they take on the self-defeating attitude of "well, I screwed up this time... may as well buy the farm and get smashed." Or, "well, I've made my wife mad again. Can't please her. May as well get smashed." or "Hey, I did fantastic today! I didn't drink once! I think I'll celebrate and get smashed!"
So, knowing that - that even if your A did get sober that he has the very real chance of relapsing, can you live with that? Can you accept him for who he is? Can you live a happy life knowing what he's prone to doing?
Al-Anon is not a program that's going to tell you "leave him" or "stay with him". This is ultimately a decision that you will make yourself. There are many Al-Anon members who've learned to live with their A partners and be happy. There are also many Al-Anon members who've decided they could not accept what was happening with their A partners and left and are now happy.
I agree with seren - you don't have to make a decision NOW, unless he's threatening your life and abusive, you don't need to come up with a decision of what to do with yourself immediately.
I recommend getting to some face to face Al-Anon meetings. Get to as many as you can in the next week or two and then start looking for a sponsor and working the steps.
You know just this morning a friend of mine talked about the analogy of cancer and how its not really a good one because an alcoholic in their full glory is a very slippery person. As Dr. Drew said on his show about recovery you don't say here's a person who needs surgery but is in denial about it. Comparing alcoholism to cancer is like comparing apples to oranges the full picture is a very complicated one and involves tremendous denial, grandiosity and often death for some people, some of them do lie and others seem to live a "living death" for a long time causing immense suffering to those around them. In fact another friend of mine has cancer and indeed her issues certainly have affected her treatment but even her course of treatment is not affected by lies, denial, complicity and constant relapses, although its certainly far from fluid.
How we do feel responsible for the A? Here in Al anon we adopt the premise of the three c's. We did not cause their alcoholism, we can't cure it and we can't control it either. How I hold onto those three c's when I want to run in there and fix everything for everyone around me and then react over react and then react some more until I'm a pool of resentment, chaos and writhing in my wish to control and control and oh control some more and why won't they "listen"!
I imagine after this merry go round of treatment, relapse, promises, hyper vigilance you are exhausted. You don't have to make a decision today whether to make/break your relationship. You can certainly be in al anon for a while and start working on these tools and just focus on you for a while rather than focus on living on that "edge" with the alcoholic. You have that option, for me personally its a great option and I'm so glad I found it here but it wasn't through want of trying on my own to fix it all.
Some of us take it one day at a time for a long long time.
For me personally wherever I've been for the last few years I remind myself daily of how my life is unmanageable. What can I do about it sometimes for me its to detach, regroup, work out what I need this minute, right now, get it for myself and work up from there. I find that thrilling, after 7 years of putting everything I had in a relationship with an A I get to have needs and meet them.
No one here is going to shoulda, coulda, woulda you. We have all been where you are in many many respects. You will hear your own story here in countless versions and formations. You will also see people get better. We do get better, with or without an A in recovery, sometimes with them, we get better together sometimes quickly sometimes slowly we do get better and its worth it.
I wanted to add, too, that part of the reason you're unhappy is because you're trying to control something that is un-controllable. The breathalizers, constantly checking to see if he's lying to you...
Instead of living a life full of happiness, you're obsessed with making sure your AH makes you happy.
It's hard to do, but sometimes I have to try to put myself in my AH's shoes. How would I feel if my partner were always suspicious of me, always looking over my shoulder waiting for me to screw up. I'd be downright irritable and would very likely want to retaliate.
I know I can try to convince myself that watch-dogging my AH is self-preservation, but in the grand scheme of things, is it really? No. Because I just make myself miserable focusing on him. Every minute of my life that I spend obsessing over what my AH is doing and trying to catch him in a lie is a minute I rob from my own life. I could be spending that time doing stuff that makes me happy - hanging out with friends, reading a great book, meditating, doing fun creative work, enjoying being alive... THAT is self-preservation.
I often find myself having to tell myself "So what if he cheats? Does he ruin YOUR life by cheating? No. He only cheats himself if he cheats. In the grand scheme of things, HE is the one who has to answer to his HP for the bad decisions he's made, NOT ME. I am not responsible for his poor decisions."
"The thing is, I want a family or at least a relationship where I can count on the other person to be there when I need them. "
You are not going to get that, from an alcoholic. He just does not have that in him, to give. This does not mean that you can't live with him and even be happy, especially if you use alanon tools to keep yourself sane. However, a "normal" relationship, the kind the love songs tell you about, or even the kind you see around you, is not likely.
You have the right to do what is in your own best interests. So, take a deep look inside and see what you really want. Do you want HIM, the way he really is? Do you want the man he COULD be, and sometimes is for a little while? Do you want something different from what you are getting? What you will get from this man is what you have been getting. Only you can know if it is enough. And remember that it is a progressive disease - it does not get better, it gets worse.
Pinning your hopes on sobriety is not a very useful exercise - sobriety is no walk in the park. If you don't get what you need from him when he is active, chances are you won't get it from him sober, either - it doesn't really work that way.
Reading back over it, this sounds really bleak. I don't really mean it that way. It IS possible to love an alcoholic and to be happy, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I'm just saying that it's important for those of us who love alcoholics to keep our eyes clear - we need to see what really is in front of us, not just what we want to see.
Hi, I was in a relationship for 7 years with an alcoholic/addict. He used off and on... mostly on... throughout our marriage. He hid it very well and I understand now that I "overlooked" some of it. I didn't want to accept it. As the years passed on we had a child. She is now three and he sees her under supervised visitation only. My divorce was finalized earlier this month. I have to say, we had our good times (pre-baby), but they were masked and fueled by his highs and lows. After the baby, it all went down hill and he sank deeper into cocaine usage. I finally noticed the symptoms about a year ago. Yes, I confronted him and of course he denied. It was just a matter of time, months, before he was arrested and jailed. I knew in my heart that it was over. My entire existance as I knew it vanished and I had to start over. I put the health and safety of my daughter first and based my life decisions on what our needs were, not his. I feel sad for my daughter in that she has a father who will never truly play the role she needs, but I'm glad for her that she is no longer exposed to his uncertain and volitile behaviors. Over all we have a freedom to live, before we had to survive. Alcoholism, untreated, or the A is not truly committeed to sobriety, takes a heavy toll on family members. My ex lost everything and was left with just the shoes on his feet and the clothes on his back. All in all, it's a matter of choice. Can you live with it? Is it keeping your mental and emotional health in tact? Or would you benefit from releasing yourself from the bonds that hold tight?
My ESH is this: RUN LIKE THE WIND! LOL, really, I found that I needed to take a good hard long look at myself and why I was attracted to someone like this. What about this nastiness felt "OK" to me and why? Why was this considered acceptable to me? Why did I find these qualities attractive? Only then did I see that I needed to work on ME- its not about them. Its about us. Why did you not see that he was an alcoholic? You can say that you could not tell but the other half of that is that denial is a very very powerful issue in those of us who may not have a drinking problem but we sure do have a thinking problem. I recommend that you take a long hard look at yourself, not necessarily him. because believe me, there are a million "hims" out there and if you drop this one w/o looking closely at yourself, you will just locate yourself another one. Hugs, J.
