(((((wilted)))))

Thanks for your honest share. Don't be too hard on yourself. A couple of things come to mind. When I went to therapy they said over and over again that you would be attracted to what is familiar not necessarily what is healthy. And isn't that disease cunning? Sometimes our HP will give that experience over and over again so we truly have a chance to get it. I know with me and my AHsober I have had plenty of painful oppotunities to realize that he is into his disease and not me.

In support,
Nancy

I don't know it is foolish to be in denial.  I fear greatly getting involved with another alcoholic.  So I tread very very carefully can't say I did that before. Rushing into relationships was my hallmark.

We all make mistakes.  I have made many.  I knew early on in my last relationship the A had problems. I did not know what to do about them. Leaving was not an option for me then although it certainly would have been an easier option.  There are options for you.

I know I also never saw drink/drugs/dysfunctional behavior as red flags.  Now I do.  I learned.  I may have taken decades to do that but I did learn it.

Why beat yourself up for trying?  You know better now.  You know the A you are involved with is certainly an alcoholic you can look at him differently.

Why punish yourself for not knowing how to protect yourself. Not knowing how to be self reliant, self protective and more is a big problem for me.  I am working on it now, I did not know how to be self protective before, I didn't have the opportunity to protect myself as a child.  Al anon has given me great gifts in learning how to do that.

We can all shoulda woulda coulda ourselves into a hole.  Getting out of the hole is sometimes slow back breaking work but it is work we are all doing and we are doing it with such great company. You won't find a more generous, loving, creative, caring group of people anywhere.  Be kind to yourself, celebrate you are in recovery and moving forward.  Put the stick down and start on the process of moving ahead. There is a life after an alcoholic, there is even a life with an alcoholic while you are doing whatever you are doing.

Maresie.

maresie.

Cunning, baffling and powerful is how the disease is often described, and boy, do I believe it!

I also thought I'd been careful when I met my A. We met almost five years ago. We also met on a dating site, but he lived in the same city as me, so after we got comfortable enough with each other via phone calls and emails, we met in person and then started dating regularly.

I thought we both meshed so well together - we found enjoyment in the same things and could always make each other laugh like no one else... but through that whole time, I still felt like I had to work hard to keep our relationship going. I had many points where I thought he just really wasn't as interested in me as I was in him. He was very self-focused on what he wanted to do with his life - which was great, but being the co-dependent that I am, it was hard for me to accept. I went through many times feeling hurt and upset by him.

Then came the day he told me he was moving to Hawaii... something I knew he was working towards, but was still afraid would happen. When he told me, even then, he didn't make it very clear if he was going to try to date me long-distance or something. He moved out here, and only then did he start to lay hints that he'd like me to join him. When he finally did make it clear, I told him I'd let him test the waters for a couple months before I moved to make sure his new job was going to be stable... and then, coming up on four years ago mid June, I moved out to Hawaii to be with him because he told me he missed me and was lonely.

We lived with each other for a couple years... he never told me "I love you" until we'd been together for almost a year. Three years on the anniversary of our first date, we flew back to Colorado for vacation and he proposed to me. We stayed engaged for a whole year and then got married last September. There was no sex on the night of our marriage, either, although in the past we'd made love many many many times... but the one night where I thought it would be really special, it didn't happen.

Come January, things were just not feeling "right" to me. He was drinking a lot, taking waaaay too long to get home from work in the evenings, rejecting invitations to have sex, and then one night, I got fed up with all of it, my "meddling mind" decided I needed to check his emails, and lo and behold, I find a series of emails between him and various other men discussing hooking up for sex.

I lived with this man for four years and never ONCE had a clue what was going on with him, that he had a sexual identity issue.

Oh lord, I busted him on it. I was livid. I screamed at him, I cried - for a whole week he did his best to convince me I was losing my mind and that someone was trying to play a trick on him.

On the final day when I told him I just could not deny all that I saw, he went and tried to kill himself. Grabbed a six pack of his favorite beer, got flat-out drunk (he hadn't ate in two days), hooked a hose to the tailpipe of his vehicle, stuck it in the window parked the car somewhere obscure and fell asleep with the engine running.

Of course I was home the whole time out of my mind with worry - I KNEW he was going to try to kill himself, just knew it. He didn't say he was going to, but I just knew it. But there was nothing I could do. I didn't know where he'd gone. I was calling everyone - a suicide crisis hotline, the police... family, friends, his co-workers...

Well, his suicide attempt failed. I'm sure his HP said "Nope. Not today." He woke up, was pissed to find he was still alive and decided to drive home completely drunk. Hit a parked car, kept going, then swerved off the road. The police found him, took him to the hospital and contacted me.

Here I am, almost six months later, though, and I'm still with my AH. Despite all that I know about him, despite that he's not in a full on recovery program (he keeps loose appointments with a substance abuse counselor and never, under any circumstances will he discuss his sexual identity issues with me, nor his drinking issues). I think I would have left him if not for Al-Anon. And... who knows... maybe some day Al-Anon might also provide me with the serenity to leave him one day if I decide I've had enough.

In any case, I guess the point I was trying to make is that there's nothing wrong with you for not seeing your AH for who he was. You did your due diligence - did your very best to be cautious to protect yourself, but the disease was just sneaky enough to fly under your radar. I know for me I thought I'd done all I could to make sure I was with the right man before marrying him... and I was slapped with a HUGE surprise.

Don't blame yourself for your AH's disease and problems. Don't be hard on yourself. Love yourself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it where your AH and his disease are concerned. But you can take care of yourself and start to make gradual positive changes.

Have you been to any face to face Al-Anon meetings? I encourage you to get to some - attend as many as you can in the next week. Keep your eyes peeled for a sponsor - get one and start working the steps. Your life just may depend on it. And don't worry - those twelve steps will bring you back to reality and show you very clearly that your Higher Power is there for you. You are NOT alone, you are NOT abandoned. Your Higher Power is there waiting to help you.