The material presented
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level.
It is so sad and screwed up. she was, maybe 10 years older than me. Her husband had a degenerative disability, and she became his caregiver. They had 3 children, and not alot of money. Her husband was one of the few people in this small town that made freinds with my husband. When my husband started drinking, he totally cut off contact with them.
I only met her once, she had that depressed and stressed look that I really recognize. I was curious how she was handling everything, but I assumed they were fine because they were really religious people.
She felt like her family would be better off without her because now they will get more assistance.
I can really relate, I mean, sometimes things seem so hopeless. My husband has serious psychological issues, is physically disabled, leading the family straight to financial ruin. We have no prospects. I am trying to invent them and he just racks up more debt with ridiculous purchases and impaired decision making. I feel so much pressure to take charge and be the family, part of me knows I can't do it, it's too hard. I just keep getting beat back. I've been so isolated because as soon as people get a good enough whiff of my husband they back off. My kids have no freinds, mostly because other kids parents wont have anything to do with us. He's angry all the time. And I can't kick him out, he wont go. I can't make him stop drinking. It's like, THIS ISN"T THE LIFE I WANT AND I CAN"T CHANGE IT! I can't even take care of myself. I've been trying to do this little highwire act where I'm balancing the bar and each side is weighted: My job, my school, the kids school, the kids health, my health, and then my husband destruction offsetting everything. It's a delicate balance and paper thin. One day it's just going to crash and everyone will see I'm just faking it, I really can't do anything, I have no identity or substance.
Wow. Anyway, I'm suprised how mad I am at her. How can she do that to her kids?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I don't know what to say except ((((((((((((((Jamie)))))))))))))))))
Are you going to f2f meetings? I don't know what I'd do without mine.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Gosh I can really relate to how you feel. I came here totally paralyzed by my experience and history. Since then I've been on a journey. I can't say its an easy journey but al anon has brought me great gifts and experience. One of the biggest gifts is this room. I really leaned on this place, still do. I come here daily and hang out and reply to lots of posts as they fit me. Why not partiicpate here and get to know people and watch their journey, you will find inspiration, peace and care.
Your post reminded me of a friend of mine who committed suicide before the A. There was a life for me before the A and will be a life afterwards. He did not control my life although I certainly felt it. He may never get recovery but that is his choice and not something I have to take blame for.
There is a way out of this. Al anon certainly helps. There are meetings here twice a day and a chat room for you to go to 24/7. There are always people there who can help, sometimes its difficult to ask for help. Can you got to see a counselor. Do you have space to do that? I know its been helpful for me. Setting it all up takes time and effort and persistence. I know full well what it is for me to be exhausted.
I exhaust myself daily and then get back up and do it again. We can set small goals for ourselves, achieve them move onto larger goals. Keep coming here, post, answer posts, seek out help. I have a sponsor who helps me. I am not in contact with her daily or even weekly but knowing there is someone out there who doesn't judge me and understands helps immensely.
Hi, thanks. I didn't want to insinuate for even one second like that was something I would do, because it's not. I just mean like, I feel where she was coming from. I have felt that way before and what stopped me from thinking too much on it was understanding how totally screwed my kids would be. They would be stuck with him and that is enough to keep me healthy at least till they are out of college. However, I haven't felt like that for awhile. Since alanon, I have gotten a decent job, and went back to school for a more promising career. I'm in control of my future. I still have issues, but like we said, small steps. Just getting around other people was enought to stomp some of those thoughts.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Well I think its something that you could think of your children when you were so depressed. I know when I am severely depressed my abilty to think of others goes out the window.
Wow... here I am writing about it, started to gaze at the Board & ur post jumps out at me like lightening.
I have a lot of weird notions about suicide, spiritually & morally speaking. Last year, I was so isolated from my "family" (mother & step-dad AH) ~ I knew if I managed to kill myself no one would have had known & my cats would have been traumatized or died. The guilt of doing that to my cats kept me living, so to speak.
I am not vindictive... if you hurt me enough I eventually disappear from your life. I am not bitter & allow each person to 'dig their own hole' with me.
The instant I think of something one way, my mind plays devil's advocate & I start trying to argue or see the complete opposite position. (to put it plainly ~ my mind is constantly screwing w/ me).
I understand your anger at her for abandonning her kids/life. Everybody handles responsibility differently. I also understand that as humans, in abusive situations, people sometimes snap.
All I can refer to me, for myself, is "God's Will not mine Be Done." It makes me think, she did the best she could until she couldn't do anymore. Some ppl figure out ways to keep coping & do better, some of us "fail." Truth is, 'none of us will make it out alive', we do all die.
I assume she brought wonderful humans into this world. Surely her kids will have emapthy & compassion that others will never know.
I can say freely, I thank God she didn't kill anyone else, like her family, so no murder/suicide ~ I really 'get hurt/angry' over those stories.
My mother always says, 'this is the best of all possible worlds, if it could be any better, it would be.' I don't know if she's quoting from somewhere else or not.
I do know psychological abuse brainwashes us. I can't know the mind of HP but maybe she carried out her destiny the exact way she was supposed to.
It is really sad & difficult to understand. I do know that the statistics right now, is that 88 Americans commit suicide daily. I can only imagine w/ the war on & these difficult & scary (dooms day theories/times) it may be on the rise.
One of our slogans is "fake it until you make it." A huge part of *me* hates this one b/c I don't want to 'fake anything.' But I do understand it... it's like pretend to make it work, until it takes hold.
I don't know if I had kids if it would have given me more strength, courage or not. I do know, I 'talk myself down from those ideations' by telling myself, I can always do it tomorrow. A therapist told me to give out a Primal Scream if I have them... normally I cry a lot, pray, hyperventiate, try to think of 'the scene' some unsuspecting person would have to find.
There are lots of things I don't understand, they say 'we'd explode' if we could understand HP. I understand your passion & compassion for those kids.
It is hard for me to 'let go & let God' a lot but all I can do is change myself - I have no power over anyone else.
Your post makes me think you are a very attentive, dedicated mother. Your kids are lucky to have you.
For me, this disease, addictions & every form of abuse is in my family tree. I wouldn't be the person I am without it, so in many ways this 'curse' is a Blessing. I have a huge world-wide support group, people here actually do relate & understand me, I belong somewhere. In a weird way I can honestly say I am grateful for it.
With great awareness comes great pain but also tons of beauty & gratitude. I don't look stressed in my face, somehow I hide it all inside.
We are only as sick as our secrets, keep sharing & caring... In love & support, kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
When I learn of someone in some way similar to my situation that attempts or commits suicide it scares me. How bad did it get that she could choose that rather than stay with her kids? Or how does someone come to feeling like this without any conscious attempt to stop or to reach out for help. It is like it sneaks up and rational thought is gone. That is why I get angry or scared..... could it sneak up on me?
BUT, it is also a catalyst to take positive steps now like seek help, found al anon, continue to seek therapy or meds as needed for kids rather than ignore it and even if I am tired or wish hard things would all go away when I struggle, I still keep at whatever it takes as a preventative step to never get so low that things would ever sneak up on me. Too little too late will not help.
I helped a suicide attempt recover and was told suicide was not the answer. This person has continued to learn how to manage mental health and advocate or take care of themselves before it ever gets that bad. Recognize signs of the need for self care ...... lots of similarities to use of slogans and progress with changing our lives in al anon. It does work if you work it and times like these just show the importance of why we want it to work.
just my 2 cents, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 23:24, 2008-05-28
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It is really scary & taboo for me to talk about @ least here, in this state I think they can lock a person up say if it was mentioned to a therapist... which is hidious for me b/c I'd rather talk about it then do it. (besides, where's my freedom of speech?)
If I ever had a gun around me (had that exp @ 15) I know I'd be dust.
I pray, cry, hyperventilate, hug my cats when they come to me/are empathetic. i am so very grateful for this forum.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I agree DDub, thanks, it scares me because it hits close to home. It is a shame we can't talk about these things without really scaring some people, but I understand. Who knows who this lady spoke to first.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
The part of your original post that caught my eye was the one where you said that this was not the life you wanted and that you cannot change it.
If you continue to fuel yourself with this kind of distorted negative thinking (stinking thinking is what we call it), you will continue to feel as you do now or even worse.
Please get yourself to some face to face meetings and begin to turn your thoughts around. YOU CAN CHANGE IT. I did. If I can, you can. Please love yourself enough to go to some meetings and just keep going. Hugs, J.
aw, I was once at this Christmas party and this really handsome cowboy looking doctor and his pretty and slim red headed wife where mingling and I asked him why some people from difficult circumstances made it out while others just struggled so much. The cowboy shrink boldly shouted out "optimism". We don't exactly understand why some people are able to put together some stability while others fail but it seems to come down to a sense of optimism. So, not that I don't needs tons of help and make tons of mistakes myself. There is this part of me that has always believed that with effort we can find peace and joy in our lives, but not perfection. And that the group of Alanon can act as a healing well were we go and share and heal and heal and share. Plus for me low cost counseling has been a lifesaver because I too have struggled with the old black dog of depression. The magic of one on one therapy with a trained professional has been invaluable for me. We don't exactly understand why therapy works we just know it does. Junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
I think its great you have been able to reinvent yourself. For a while with the A I became completely paralyzed could not work, totally isolated saw no one nothing. I felt totally bleak.I can relate to the woman who sucumbed a great deal.
Eventually I did get help and some of it was about being humble and asking for help here and elsewhere. After a while it got easier.
I have shared before this is almost a constant "option" in my head.
Sadly it is part of the grief depression I live with.
I am sure she totally believed it was the only way to help her family, plus she felt like a burden.
These days,with my two grown children being as I explained they are, the only reason I am still here is it would be a slap in the face to my hp. Disrespectful, unappreciative, loveless, and hurtful to hp.
That and second the animals who depend on me. Believe me,I have told my kids in every way I know how I would love it if they called more,emailed more,came out. Not in a pitiful way, but loving way.
I am sure if I did not have hp hanging on to me, and I offed myself, they would wish I had "told" them I felt that bad.
They know and are in denial.
Sometimes people, normally so, are so busy,wrapped up, sick or sad, or involved, they don't notice when a loved one is suffering.Also there is denial.
Anyway I hope that little family will be ok. love,debilyn who even asked her doctor why she feels this way, he is who told me it is just how I personally deal with grief depression.
Hello, I can relate to the woman who posted before me. I have had family members not reach back when I have reached out.
I wanted to note that saddness or grief are different than the illness of depression. Saddness and grief are a normal part of life and one of the many feelings we might experience in a day.
My understand is that we have a variety of feelings everyday. These feelings are part of who we are and although sometimes more intense than other times, we can still go about our normal day, eat our cereal, get dressed, go to work and see our friends. In fact saddness and grief are often surprisingly found to be great motivators for people to extend themselves to others and be more open and kind. Grief and saddness are not always feeling to be avoided and just part of normal life.
Depression is when we have physical symptoms that impair our functioning. These symptoms can be thinking the same thoughts all the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, low energy and a percseption of negativity when things might not be seen the same by people who know the situation.
Depression is treatable and primary doctors can refer people and many local public mental health centers offer some kind of low cost assessment. Not everyone needs meds. Sometimes talk therapy is actually better but of course with a professional as friends have a vested interest in telling us things we want to hear and of course they might be a computer tech and know diddly about therapy.
anyhoo, i am here with my two year old kid and have struggled with depression all my life. I have two alcoholic parents and both my younger sisters and I are not close. I have had a lot of saddnesses over the situation. I feel better about it today. I have responded with candor and really nice letters whenever I have had any chance to communicate.
I once had a lady in Alanon tell me to just send my loved ones pictures. So two times a year I send the people I love photos of my kid and of us even though I think I look fat and tell them I love them. I don't know about them but it has really made me feel better.
Junehouse8
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
