The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading and feel somewhat validated finding that feeling treasured or valuable is a basic human need. I didn't know that but I sure felt it without knowing how to put it into words. I can see how I became obsessive about caring for others or working too hard or using humor to deflect stress. Never can do enough to earn approval. Thank heavens our hp finds each and everyone of us valuable - that is yet another gift.
"Many of us learn early in life that we need to earn our sense of value. For some, value was earned by entertaining people with our clowning acts. For others, value came from taking care of everyone else. And for others, value was derived from achieving success of some kind. But often there is no way to entertain enough, take care enough or achieve enough to meet our needs for approval. No matter how compulsively we entertain, or care or work, we still are not able to feel valued. These substitutes do not meet the deepest longings of our heart. In addition we run the risk of becoming compulsively attached to these substitutes because we fear that the sense of value which they offer is our only hope of finding peace.
The longing to experience ourselves as valued is a fundamental human need. The need is really a need to be heard, seen, enjoyed and loved by others for who we are rather than for what we do. No amount of earned approval can meet this need. We long to know that we have value simply because we exist. This kind of value cannot be earned, it must be received as a gift."
Thank you MIP family and al anon!! hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
People pleasing can be so huge for me. I have to really work on not being slavishly people pleasing before I know it I'm a goner.
I really can relate to this post. I simply gave myself away entirely to the A and others. I am so boundaried these days and so much more cautious about everything.
I have a huge problem of not liking it when people don't like me.
I was sharing something on somewhat similar grounds at my Monday night meeting.. the topic came up as some of us being the "sweet" kid in the family - the one who was always so nice, never got in trouble, always did as told, etc.
I fit that mold pretty neatly as a kid - but again, it wasn't quite so much in the home with my immediate family - I tried to be a good kid, there, too, but there were definitely many times where I acted out and had tantrums and was overall a brat.
But in the outside world? Ohh boy was I ever desperate to please others - and I took it as a personal affront if someone did not like me. It made me "less than" in my mind. If I disappointed a teacher, I'd be crestfallen. If I had a peer in school say something nasty about me, it would be the end of the world in my mind. So I tried and tried and tried to please everyone so I wouldn't feel bad about myself by disappointing someone or leading someone to a point where they felt they should say something negative about me.
It is taking lots and lots of time to get to a point where I'm okay if someone doesn't like me. I don't have to defend myself, nor do I need to bend over backwards to change their opinion of me. They've a right to their feelings, as do I have a right to mine. But I can let a thing go and not try to correct it. Doesn't make me "less than" at all. And I'm working hard at not throwing my power into another person's hands insofar as having their opinion of me be what makes me who I am. (If that makes ANY sense at all!)
But I wonder tonight is it not all Human Beings "main issue" and we are the ones who are willing to look at it, admit it and seek it in a healthy way?
The others may do what they can (drink, act "cool" or be the "best" or funniest and act like they never need anyone to care for them... and are they really the ones hurting the most?
great point, glad! I would agree that my ah is a workaholic as that is how he got valued as a child of A parents. I think it could very well be the main issue for all Human Beings too - I've learned so much in al anon that would be aplicable to everyone......kind of fundamental skills.
I am still stunned that being valued or treasured is a fundamental need - I thought those were the basic things like food, shelter and clothing. I am so glad to know it is included as it makes me feel like we are evolving in a positive way then. One can hope.
ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I think learning how to value and treasure oneself, just as we are, warts and all, is key. If we value ourselves, we set the boundaries and make the effort to get better because we know we are worth our own best efforts.
What a great thread. Thanks ddub for posting it!
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
