The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so I haven't posted anything in so long but sometimes if feels good to vent to people who understand. i have an ex husband and when i left him i was absolutley in love with him BUT i also had two little girls that didn't need to be in a house with an alcoholic. so i commend myself for leaving for them and for myself. i guess I just always thought while we were married he was inconsiderate and immature. i never really thought i knew much about alcoholics until a light bulb went off one day and i realized he was one and that was why he did the things that he did...or so i thought. so many things happened and a few years passed before he actually stopped drinking and started going to AA. it has been 11 months now. I guess i always thought in the back of my head that he would be so much different without the alcohol. i thought that he would be a more involved father and more reliable. i thought he would want to see the kids as much as possible and i truthfully thought that we would get back together because of those things changing about him. I wish i could say that i am happy we are not together but some days i just don't really feel that way. i mean this man gives me butterflys in my stomach and makes my heart beat so fast. even at our worst of times he would flash that beautiful smile and i would melt. how i got the courage to step forward and leave him....i really don't know!!! but i am starting to realize that alcohol or not, he is just the same way he always was...not calling, or disappearing for a few days, never making plans ahead of time, sometimes being very interested in something and then not at all. this all makes me sad because at the end of our marriage the thing that got me through it was thinking that he would eventually stop drinking whether it was at 30 or 50 or maybe 60 years of age and at that time we would be together like we were supposed to be. but it isn't that way at all and he doesn't even see the kids on a regular basis. i have tried to be patient. i know he is living one day at a time and at this point i have a wonderful man in my life who shows me and my girls love and respect and fun! but i guess i still get sad sometimes wishing things were different. has anyone ever been in this situation? i know that when i start regret leaving him in the first place then i read my journals and i remember exactly why i did it. and i know if i hadn't, he may have never started going to AA. but i am still so much in love with this man and when i see him it is just so hard. he has a girlfriend who he has been dating since we divorced so over 3 years ago, she is an alcoholic too and she hates me because she knows the way that he feels about me, or does she? and i have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and have been very honest about the feelings that remain for my ex. when we are around each other the love and chemistry between us is so obvious to us and other people anyway. and it is so hard for me every time i see him. so my question is....should i still hope that someday he will change those things that make him so unreliable or is that just the way that people live when they are recovering? a few weeks ago i told him that i love him still and sometimes i wished he would just put us all in the car and take us home. i told him i knew how ridiculous that was and there was way more to it then that but sometimes that was just how i felt. he told me that i can't wait for him because all he is doing right now is trying to get through one day at a time. and i know all that but wouldn't it be nice if he could just admit to me the way that he truly feels or maybe i am mistaken, maybe he doesn't feel the way i think he does, well he could tell me that too but he doesn't say anything he just listens to me and is silent...aaaaahhhh, sometimes life is so confusing! i would appreciate any input :). thanks for listening!
I can hear your pain in your post. I understand loving someone even if you can't be around them. I comend you for being honest with your current SO. It does sound like you may be coming around to letting go of the fantasy. It really doesn't matter whether most A's are like him when they get sober. He is like him. He also has someone else and you have someone else. It sounds like pining away for a fantasy rescue is not working for you anymore. Welcome to recovery. Some of the stuff we have to let go of really hurts for awhile.
My suggestion would be to ask yourself what do I get out of this fantasy. How does it sooth me or make me. These fantasies hurt, but there is always some kind of emotional payoff. Figuring out what that is is key to finding some other way to satisfy that emotional need.
Anyway that is what I did. It was hard. It hurt to admit that I really had not wanted to take responsibility for my own life. I had thought that I was so independent. LOL But it was so worth it in the long run.
You will get through this. Are you getting to any f2f meetings? They help me a lot.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi Iam, My first thought was, have you gone to face to face meetings? You may find many others share what you are feeling.
I still love my AH too. It has been good for me to come here and see there are others who do love their A's and not afraid to say it.
In my experience, when I wanted to know things, he would not talk. Found out he couldn't because he honestly did not know.
It is like if we had to have chocolate, but it made us sick. We had to go on a program to change our behavior and learn to change our thought processes. That is a big,big venture.
So if we stayed on the same path, all we thought about was ourselves, our recovery, we might think that was the only way.
Hopefully in recovery the A will learn skills that they lack, they take their inventory too, do the twelve steps. He is very young on his recovery program.
Honestly when I learned my AH really did not know, I never questioned anything anymore.
Let go and gave it to HP.
You may find yourself less confused if you attend meetings, and read Al Anon and AA literature.
lam0204, My A is very much the way you describe yours. And I feel the same way about my A that you do about yours (complete with butterflies). I've known my A on and off for 30 years - and my heart still races when I talk to him. But I'm learning that emotions scare my A. He's not entirely comfortable showing emotions or even listening while I'm being emotional. Well, he will listen - but like yours - he tends to stay silent. This is the same whether he's sober or not. Actually - my A shows more emotion when he's not sober. So I have to be careful what I wish.
My A and I were together many moons ago and we broke up because of his alcoholism. A few years later he became involved in another relationship - and it lasted for 6 years. Respecting the relationship he had with someone else is important (not easy, but important). I know you say that you and your A still care about each other. And that's probably very true - but if he's been in a relationship with someone else for three years, then you'd probably be better off respecting that. My A has never done one thing that he didn't want to do. I have to assume that if he was with this other woman for 6 years, that he wanted to be with her.
Part of my process of maturing and recovery is "living and letting live". If he wants to be with me - then he will. If he chooses to be with someone else - then I will let him go. But he knows I love him. And it sounds like you've made sure that your A knows that you love him. That's all we can do.
In the meantime - work on your own recovery. Keep learning as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism and what you do have control over (only yourself). Take care of you and take care of the children that the two of you brought into this world. Remember that you will never change this man - and you will never be able to control is behavior. Never. He may never be the father that you wish he would be to your children - or the man that you can rely when you need him. If you keep that in mind as you live your life - then you'll be able to adjust your expectations accordingly.
Keep taking it a day at a time. It sounds like you're much stronger than you even realize.
My relationship is like R3. I have been married to my AHsober for over 30 years. Our three sons are grown and out of the house. He left. I love this man; for being who he is and being the father of my sons. He says he doesn't love me and probably never did. I am learing to make a life by myself. I miss those times that I thought we were having fun. He is the same sober - doesn't call, disappears for weeks, mean, excludes me from everything and doesn't do much with our three sons.
I am learning that the good things he does, the charm and everything that he says and does are still the disease. He hasn't drank in over 20 years. He went to AA for a few years but doesn't do anything spiritual any more. So our interaction is limited. It is painful so I am learning to move on and leave it to my HP.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard. But let me ask you this: Was he sober before you married him? I ask this because there are relationships where the A wasn't sober and when they do get sober the dynamics change. The disease doesn't always mask their true personalities.
I knew my AH years ago when he was sober. I knew the man before the disease took control if him. I have always said: I love my husband but hate the disease. It's okay to grieve for the relationship that once was. Just don't wallow in it. That's where it can be destructive.
No one can tell you what to do. We are not in your shoes. You might consider talking to someone. Perhaps a sponsor, a therapist or someone else. Letting go of the past can be very difficult. You had the courage to what was best for you and your children. Continue to work your program. It will happen. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I tend to project a lot. Project my own feelings on others. I think I really "needed" the A but I am not sure what I had for him was mature love. I believe a mature love is a chosen love rather than a driven love.
I'm not sure many A's get to being honest about anything I would think its a lot of step work. I think in my own work on myself to be honest is very very hard. I find it very difficult to even be in contact with my emotions some days.
Of course those of us who have invested in a relationship find it hard to "let go". I know I have at the same time the person I was when I met the A is gone much as the person he was is gone too. I know it is true that some people in recovery can re-invent themselves, some of them do and some of them don't. For me its so essential to know that what I wish for is not necessarily what I'll get. There are options for me and one of them is not to wait for an A to get sober or realise what he has lost.
If this is the way he was when he was drinking, and this is the way he is now, then - this is who he is. Maybe it's the fundamental man underneath, maybe it's the "ism" that is left when the alcohol is gone, who knows. No matter which, this is what you would get, if you were to have him. Is it what you want?
I think we have this fantasy, that all the good parts of our A's are the 'real him' and all the bad parts are the disease. That if he would just stop drinking, get some recovery, the man we fell in love with would appear, ready to fall into our arms. Of course, this is not true. The man you fell in love with had the disease, even if it was not yet controlling his life. There was something in you that was attracted to him - all of him, not just to his good parts.
If he truly does embrace recovery, and in a few years does become a truly healthy sober person, he will be a whole new man, one that neither you nor he have yet met. It's possible that his relationship with you is part of the 'old him' that will have to go, if he is to really recover. Recovery does not happen in isolation - the recovering person changes, but so does everyone else. I know that in many ways I was good for my husband, and helped him with his recovery. However, in other ways, I was not good for him at all (nor he for me). All of our old patterns were there, waiting, for us to fall into in moments of weakness.
I guess what I would be asking myself is "Is this feeling I have, these hopes I am holding - does this enrich my life, make me more truly myself, enhance my capacity for joy? Or are they holding me back from real committment to my life as it is now?"
