The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
not so happy, down on myself, lonely and how do you love yourself, ..... I feel like a broken record. Progress, then I feel like I am back to square one over and over. Don't even know I am back sliding until I'm back in crazy land & feeling like the odd man out, critical of me & others and negative.
I registered disapproval re church attendance today from AH tried to talk about it but he had a bad attitude so told him I would write it out to be more concise and we could talk later. never did
then older teen has scads of homework and excuses for what is not done hassles with me a lot and I give boundaries but not easy for me AH gets involved and 'offers' to help son, makes plan and it looks all neatly done up with a ribbon & a bow but it's not and the fall out will be back in my lap once AH goes back to work Tues. ( son has LD so needs some support from us) Offers to help look grand but it is the follow through that matters. Plus I wanted son to make the plan and he wants to with me but son doesn't even want me to question his plan. He accepts dad's plan with no hassle which is frustrating to me: for dad to do his plan and son to let him - no expectations but yet those are still a surprise result - crazy.
younger teen has friends over for bonfire, hotdogs & fun so just not needed which is good as they are an active bunch but miss being more part of kids lives. Dads, in general, seem to always be fun to have around vs their 'mother' with either gender & any age. This home's dad has just a little interest in all that though. I greeted all parents who came to pick up their kids as I am starved for conversation. Just small talk chit chat of course.
I called sponsor for ideas re homework problem and will deal with that tomorrow as so full of frustration today - right down to screen door sticking and just seeing all the problems. So good to talk with al anon friend who thinks like I do but sees the pit falls - only talked about the older teen though. Nothing seemed to go right today but maybe I just let the negative thinking take me away so nothing could go right. must be I have something new to learn so that is why I am struggling now..... seems to work out that way usually.
Wanted to change my focus and do something fun or something for me but so exhausted emotionally, I watched some blah tv and on the computer now. Sons have no time for me and AH is always in another room doing his thing independently.
Guess I need to put me time in the start of my day, call friend or sis or someone to talk with - pity party over. thanks for listening, I'm done now.
-- Edited by ddub at 01:22, 2008-05-26
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hey ddub, it's me, y' old pal...plodding along that path...I am just in front of you at the moment having walked into the sunshine after that patch of dark cloud that you are walking through right now
... just ahead of you.
..........I so understand what you are saying.........the way I get through that nowadays is to STOP, and say, TIME FOR ME....the family is okay without me for now...........AND off I go to do something I want for myself that I did not have time for before.
The difference is only that I live alone now and so the alone time is much much more emphasized. But ddub, I found if I left them to it, they came back to me and MISSED ME.
So, I am waving to you and saying "...this too shall pass."
Remember, as I have said before and as Aloha has just reminded me. Human being first and you are not required to be human doing all of the time.
Stick with it, you know we both learn things in the dark times, that is the sunshine that greets us as we come out of the dark clouds.
Love y' ddub Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 07:12, 2008-05-26
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
The beauty of recovery is thatwe can restart it any time we want! I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. But it will pass, although it doesn't seem like it at the time. Just hang in there. You are doing the right things: calling your sponsor, coming here, and just taking a few minutes for yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. I see a lot of growth and progress in your posts. You can do this. If you are having trouble with your son because of his LD you might consider calling the local university. If they have an educational department sometimes there are students who are willing to help for school credit. There might be someone in the psych/ed dept who specializes in LD too. Try and think outside the box with this one. It might help ease the burden you are carrying around. Keep taking good care of yourself. Steal a few minutes during the day to say the serenity prayer, make a cup of tea or even take an extra few minutes in the shower just for you. So often we forget that we don't need to have huge amounts of time for us to be beneficial. Kind of like exercise. A few minutes here. A few minutes there can all add up to be of benefit. Meanwhile I'll say an extra prayer for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"Wanted to change my focus and do something fun or something for me but so exhausted emotionally,....."
something for you can be something that revitalizes you emotionally. What about lying on the bed, napping or not, for an hour or more, listening to Mozart or some other music that's special for you, and visualizing the beach or the lake or wherever your special quiet place is?
Personally I think you're doing great to even think of it in the midst of the angst... I usually figure it out a couple of days later... oh yeah! That was a clue I needed to REST!!!
Yes I think you are doing wonderful Hon. You are thinking about what you might need to do, even if you can't seem to do it yet. It will come to you. Coming here, talking to sponsor, and such are all good things and proactive. Loving and caring for ourselves is hard. You might try thinking of yourself as someone else that you care about and think about what you feel and how you would offer to take care of that person. Maybe that would help you think of how you need to care for yourself. It does help knowing that these challenges are a learning opportunity. That in itself is great progress. Like Suzannah said, the sun is just over there and your will get to it soon. This too shall pass.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
ddub, thanks for your post, I think I know how you feel. I have felt this way and I am pretty sure I will again. Please know that you will not always feel this way- there are good and bad patches of self-love. Some days are better than others, I think. Just like its so easy to love a kid when he/she is sweet and full of kindness and feels more difficult when they are naughty, we are the same way, i think. But really its in that naughty phase that the love is really essential- exactly where you are in this post. Visualize putting your arm around your best friend and giving her a big hug filled with love- that best friend is yourself. Have compassion for her. Believe in her 100%. Love her thru. That best friend is yourself. Sometimes it helps to look in the mirror and talk to yourself as if you were talking to your dearest girlfriend or sister. This helped me. Also, imagine that you have an angel and you are under her wing. When you look up into her face, please notice its a larger and shining version of yourself! Hugs, J.
hi and hugs! Hey when I felt as you do, I realized I was going into empty nest syndrome. It doen't just start when they leave. There is a definite pulling away.
Also I have seen how kids, boys and girls,tend to need their fathers more when they hit teen age.
I found my kids needed to pull away from mommy. Most people cannot help but feel all nurtured and baby like around mom!
But dad shows a different role usually. More towards pushing them out of the nest.
Also d I remembered something from your post. My AH was here then gone, here then gone.So I would get to build up and heal, have skills fresh for when the disease came back to attack.
Where you my dear, are working hard at recovery, with the disease right in your face! Almost canceling each other out with you a bit ahead.
Maybe getting away would help. If you have a friend or if you want to be alone, I invite you to go to the library.If you feel like it, read the AA and Al Anon lit there. Go to a meeting.
If you need to not think of it at all, there are pretty places to walk, or go visit someone. I used to take some funny books and my silly potted pig and go read in the park.
Even having a dog on a walk or sitting, people will talk to you. Its fun.
I don't know if you are an animal lover, but visiting humane societies is such a good way to take your mind away.
There are a zillion things to go volunteer at. Possibly volunteer at your kids school so they feel a sense of connection there.
What you have shared is hard stuff!! if you can, get a few packs of seeds and plant them. uno even thou they have come up before, I still feel the miracle when they do!!
thank you all for your ideas and your support when I am on empty and reach out by sharing here I am always pleasantly surprised by how much better I feel and how each of you can help to give me a hand up when I stumble or drag through the day.
it sure helps and I thank you hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Sometimes it is just overwhelming. Like spinning your wheels. I am learning to see everything as a gift (not easy but what can you do). It seems to take the power out of adversity. My gift yesterday was my son home from college. Last summer he was rude and flippant. Yesterday he said let's go on a hike. I think to myself - too late in day, too tired, I will miss Dr. Phil and Oprah (oh god), blah, blah, blah. So we went late in the day, not prepared, and had a wonderful time. We walked up to a waterfall. We had a long talk about college and his friends. So glad I didn't stay in my flunk. Hope it all works out for you and your family.
just ahead of you.
