I decided that an update was due. I have not been here much as I have been in transition from Hawaii and grad school to back on the mainland, back in the Midwest and back near my AH.

Its been a tough transition and the end is not in sight but things are going very well overall. I did decide to get a divorce after seeing my AH one last time, here on his turf. He looked good, fit, etc. but his mind was exactly the same- blaming, shaming, yelling, crying, trying to change me, shape me and control me. We met in a coffee shop. I told him I would never be able to live with him again after what we had been through. I told him I wanted a divorce. He cried. he begged. I was as compassionate as possible. I cried too. I felt the hurt too. But if flowed through and out of me and now I feel good. I had to do this. It was a relief. I did all I could do to stay in that marriage and I am exhausted and can do no more. Its time for me to move on.

He later emailed me an offer that he would "do" the divorce and serve me the papers and asked if we could split the costs. I told him I needed to get some professional advice myself before making that decision. He objected and then agreed. I found an attorney, a good one, an expensive one. We have some very complicated tax problems. I have a lot of cleaning up to do for myself after that marriage. I need someone in my corner.

He was furious and I did not care for the first time in my life. I had assumed throughout our marriage that he had mailed off all the tax returns (paid) that our accountant had generated and that both of us had signed. SURPRISE!!! Some he had, some he had not...most were lost, late, etc. I am just finding out the extent of it- both fed and state.

I do not think I will EVER trust another man who says" "don't worry about that, I will take care of it." EVER. EVER. EVER.

Anyway, its just something that is a huge mess that needs to be cleaned up and it will. His family will see to it. So will my attorney. And hopefully his. I am actually not all that worried. The best minds are on it and so is HP, the very best mind of all. I will leave it to them.

On the job front, I am applying for tons of jobs like crazy. One that I REALLY REALLY want is flying me in for an interview in a couple of weeks. I am so thrilled. I mean it almost does not matter if I get the job or not, I am just so tickled that I am being flown in for a job interview!!! Yippeeee!!! i will keep you posted on that. Its the path to a clean slate and a new life- not sure where or when or how but its going...FORWARD. Its like I have been plugged up for years and now the pipes are cleaned out and I am flowing again. THANK GOD FOR AL-ANON!!

I do have a sweetheart waiting in the wings, in Honolulu. I am pretty crazy about him and he is about me. He is poised to get a super swanky new job there which would be so wonderful for him (and me, indirectly, I suppose). I like the idea of having a lover in Honolulu to go and be with for vacations and hang with and then have my own life on the mainland focused on work that I love to do, my own cozy little life and home, etc. I do not need to live with this man. I do not need to be married to this man. I do not need to glomb onto him or he to me. I just want to travel with him, spend fun vacations with him, etc. Nothing heavy. He wants the same thing and we are really well matched in so many ways. the thing I love about him is that he is HAPPY. He is the happiest camper you could ever meet. What a relief!!! I get to focus on my own happiness and I am and I do and its getting more and more like clockwork every single day. I like the idea of keeping everything separate. I do not want to live with a man ever again- I like to have my own home and my own life with my own friends, career, etc. I do not know if a long distance thing can work but I am thinking it is the perfect ticket for me, right now. And if it doesn't work out, its completely OK, too. I am just fine with or without someone special in my life. There are LOTS of cool people around and I am one of them!!!!!!

My health is the best its been in my whole life. I run 2 miles daily, lift weights, eat well and am looking good. I have a new project I am working on here at the sculpture park I am at. Its all going well so far.

I have many many blessings and all thanks to HP. I am learning to ACCEPT what comes and then act- not react. I have learned to slow everything down, be grateful for what is coming not afraid of it. What is coming is from HP- how could it NOT be good?! Its my job to find HP's signature of goodness in everything I experience and its there. OK, more soon and lots of love. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and I am here to prove it. J.