The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The (young) new husband of a little girl (20) I care about as family hurt her, by "going on a blind date" messing around online etc. basicly like he missed the fact that he got married?? Anyway this is a kid who fooled all of us with all this talk of marriage and being excited about building a family life. We find out after the fact he has been in rehab etc. (which is fine it's just he never mentioned it to her or anyone). We knew he grew up with extream behavior by dad who is an obvious "A". But he put on a great show about how badly he wanted to build a healthy life and how much his spirituality meant to him.... Bottom line I know it must be some "thrill of the chase thing" or something because it's not just sex.. he's "dating"... anyway bottom line for me at first I had all these Mafia like fantasies of what we as a family should do to him- all the guys beating him up... etc. Then I realized I don't want to do anything to him.... I want her to feel protected, valued and loved and as if her friends and family will come to her defense in whatever way is best for her or allow her to deal with it as she see fit.. I just want her to know she is loved and supported and that I care so deeply. So I believe I will just find a way to let her know how I feel, how it is about him not her, perhaps tell her how much alanon has helped me to discover why I accept certain things and begin to discover what I want for my future. Most of all I want her to know that none of this is a reflection on her worth or value!
guess what, talking with my A b/f -was one of the things that helped me see my anger was fear for her feelings not hate for her new "husband". So I thank God for my blessings today and am open to any suggestions (other than what I've already said) that would show this lovely little girl my love and support.
I cannot think of a better answer than the one you already have worked out. Bottom line is I wish someone would have been able to help me learn to keep the focus on me and not take his sickness personally. That's the most valuable thing that I get from Al-Anon.
You may be the only calm voice in a bad storm for her.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It is true... 'hurt people, hurt people.' It's also true, it isn't her fault & she's not alone, I know this site has been a life saver for me, 24/7 chat, 2 mtgs/day & the Board.
Compassionate understanding is def one of the greatest gifts this Program delivers us... knowing we aren't alone, at fault or crazy.
Addiction is a progressive disease, adultery is symptomatic of it. It happened in my mother's marriage. Plus A's are Master Manipulators & psychic vampires. It is insidious & may take years b4 you realize what you are stuck in.
I lived w/ my ex husband for a year... he was kind, soft spoken, loving. Day 2 of our honeymoon, he turned into a yelling, ridiculing, abusive bully. No one saw it coming (well, his family knew the real him). Truly only a psychopath could 'turn on a dime.'
Stubborn as I am (& 28 @ first & only marriage) I stayed 4 yrs 2 months. It took a lot for me to get out, ppl telling me, mom begging me to come home... it wasn't until he began telling me how & where to kill myself I finally (literally) ran away from him on vacation - leaving a 17 year career, friends, family heirlooms, et cetera.
I had al-anon for 11 years & still he fooled me!
You asked for more esh/suggestions... I will post slogans, al-anon-isms & other positive quotes under "slogans." I have copies of them in exactly 6 places in my house... I see them everywhere!
It is wonderful you care about this girl, like Jen said, you may be the only 'voice of reason' in her life.
much love in al-anon, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
