The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is with a heavy heart that I have made the decision to leave my AH. We have been thru so much stuff together, it is unreal. I can't even begin to remember all of it. How we started out so happy, then the drinking got worse, then the silent treatments started, then the yelling started. Then the threats started. Then destroying some of my things started. The daily screaming he wanted a divorce, and me just thinking he was out of his mind. Yeah, he was. So, I recently got a My Space. Something to do. Not trying to meet anyone on it, just friends, my daughter, people from work. AH threw a big fit and told me to choose between him or MySpace. Considering it to be a dumb request, I chose MySpace. Because it is always, will always be something I am doing wrong for him to justify his drinking. And abuse. I don't know many people who would have stayed as long as I did. But I did it because I love him. I still do, love the man behind the drink. But I don't love him enough to kill myself. So, we are working on dissolution papers, trying to have a friendly divorce, if possible. We both know it isn't working, and never will. This is the 3rd time we have tried to be together over the years. I have an apartment on notice for the end of June. I am packing up my stuff, leaving his stuff. Leaving him the house, for which he will compensate me a little, maybe 1/10 of the value, but he is leaving my 401K account alone. So, I feel I'm coming out ahead. I will take all the furniture that was mine (all of it, basically) with me. I am sad, scared, excited, hopeful, all at once. I have never left a man I still loved, but my mother did. She left my dad because of the drinking, divorced him, and loved him until the day he died. I will be relieved to NOT get the house, I don't want it, it's right across from his drinking buddy's house. Too much upkeep, too much yard. I will miss my fossils I dug out of the fields, tho, and am taking a few of them with me. I have tons, and built a rock garden with ferns and moss among the rocks. When I move in my new home, I am going to downsize my possessions, live simply, frugally, and happily. No more threats. No more hiding things. And, if I want to I can keep the love I have for him in my heart. In fact, I think I will buy a pretty little jeweled box, and write his name on a piece of paper, and put it in that box. Keep it shut tight. That way I will have a place to keep it, and I can move on with my life.
On another sad note, I just had my cat Sidney put to sleep on May 10. I have still not recovered from that. I cry easily and often over him. The doc put me on some antidepressants, they seem to help. Sidney had mammary cancer. He lasted 1 month from the day he was diagnosed. April 10 to May 10. I have Sophie left, she is 1 year older than he was, I was sure she'd be the first to go. Now she sleeps with me at night, as husband has moved out and is staying with friends until I move into my apt.
I can keep the jeweled "love box" on the shelf with the ashes in the beautiful box I bought for my Sidney Cat.
Please, please keep me in your prayers. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is the right thing. For me. For him. For our families.
Funny thing, is, I feel more like a widow than a woman about to be divorced. Alcohol killed the man I love, he just isn't dead yet.
First I want to hug you for your loss of your Sidney. Our pets are like a comfy soft pillow.
Yes,you know I relate 100%.I am a widow, he died.So I know exactly what you mean.
It is so hard at first.Coming here,meetings,chat room all will help.Also making your own safe home a sanctuary will fill your days.Hey if you have a yard put in a pond.If not make a nice small waterfall inside. Water is so healing.
It is very,very sad.You gave it your all,no bitterness in your share.
This is just one of the major miracles you will find.
Want to say also Becky,it was not my space as you said.It was him having the nerve to tell you to make a choice about anything in the first place.
hugs,we are here for you.I know how to be frugal,lol if ya want some pointers!!!
Oh and maybe filling that space with two kittens would help your broken heart.
Becky - your post struck me right in the heart. I so understand those emotions that you describe. Especially the widow part. I always felt like a freak when I thought those emotions - like no-one could POSSIBLY understand, muchless sympathize. When my A and I broke up 11 years ago - I came to see him as dead. Because the human being I loved WAS dead. Yet - those around me felt very justified in slashing his name, and brutalizing my memory of him. It made the hurt that much more painful. Thank you for putting words to what I felt for SO long.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I do like the idea of the "love box" - how symbolic and special. I used to feel like I took the love I had for this man, and gave it over to God for safekeeping. Because the love was still there, and powerful - it just had nowhere to go. I knew God would hold it sacred.
I'm trying yet again with my A - and have reclaimed the love that I turned over 11 years ago. I pray every moment that this is the right thing to do. I have no idea.
May your days ahead bring you serenity and peace. Sounds like you gave this relationship everything you had inside of you. Now it's time to take care of you. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
(((Becky))))) You sound strong. I'm sorry for your losses, but you are getting better, taking care of Becky. I hope you'll keep coming back to the room.
Some day I will realize that I am not alone in what I am going through. Thanks for sharing your life with us. As you know my AHsober left 3 years ago. He pops in and out of my life - has threaten divorce for over 30 years. I keep looking for the bottle, well, that is his bottle, threats, leaving. I am slowly but surely gathering his stuff and sending it to him. Everyone has said divorce the SOB. He left didn't he? Even one of my sons. I love that man with all my heart but the man I love, the good parts, has not been around in a long time.
Good for you for making a decision to take care of yourself. I too am downsizing - especially the pictures and things of the life we shared. I like the box idea because I could have a place to put the goodness of our relationship. I have put out some resumes. I have had our land surveyed to sell. Funny thing is that he says he wants the divorce and has done little towards it so I think that I am doing his work for him.
And lastly right before my AHsober moved out my 13 year old cat was put to sleep. She was to be my ace in the hole to get through the divorce. I was so sad. But I was given another cat and I watched her kittens being born and it was so joyous. And I have my new granddaughter (I think you have one too) and she is a joy. Life goes on. Wrap yourself in the love and strength you find here at MIP and Alanon. We are definitely not alone.
((Becky)) keep taking care of you. It's all you have control of and yes the prayers for him will continue to put him in the right place he needs to be for his own recovery. I hear your sorrow and applaude your strength. Thank you for posting. Keep working your program.
I'm so sorry about Sidney. I know how hard it is on you. I can't imagine my life without Pipers. Hold Sophie extra close to you.
You have made a very hard and brave decision to move on with your life. Go ahead and mourn the relationship that once was. You can only butt your head against the wall so often without getting bruised. You tried your best. Remember that. You've grown stronger and have come along way since first coming here. I am proud of you. I know you can do this. Your granddaughter will be so proud of her grandma for being such a strong person. I wish you nothing but the best on your new journey. It is exciting to start a new chapter in your life. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am more than a year out from leaving now. It will be a year from active contact in September. I know the leaving is hard believe me I do. I also know how much solace our pets can be. I still mourn for the loss of my beloved Benny.
I feel for you but I also think you have made such a good plan for yourself. I hope you will be able to fill up your alone time with lots of activities and love.
I do not love the A I was with anymore. I do find myself still angry with him at times, it comes in waves. I do not miss the chaos and the anger and the strife and the pain. I am in the process of healing, there is a healing.
Thank you for your kind words and inspiration. I have been doing pretty good, not crying much, staying busy, packing stuff up. He sends text messages sometimes. Like one this morning "I just wanted to say Good Morning". WTH!!!! Though my heart is broken, I think this is the right decision for me. I cannot take anymore of having my feelings jerked around, in and out, like being in a blender 24/7. I am also dealing with PTSD, have for years. The depression meds seem to be helping, tho I am having trouble sleeping thru the night. Sunday, I watched my baby granddaughter. She just turned 6 months old and is so beautiful. Such a good baby, smiles a lot. But.....Sunday eve. she got really fussy, so I took her out walking around the yard of the house that will soon not be mine anymore. As I remembered AH and I working in the yard together, making our plans, making my rock garden out of fossils I found out in the field next to our house. The cookouts we had, just the two of us. Playing in the hot tub......all those memories came rushing back to me as I held Delilah and walked. By the time my daughter came to pick the baby up, my eyes were all swelled up, so she knew I'd been crying. She came in and talked to me a while. I had just told her that morning that AH (he's not her dad) and I were splitting up. She said "OMG! It's not because of ME is it???" Now it is MY turn to say OMG! My daughter has seen me go thru hell with AH. He and she have just recently began speaking to each other (well, saying hello) after not speaking for 2.5 years, because she called the cops on him, because he was drunk and wouldn't let her talk to me on the phone. This ended up with him getting arrested for a probation violation, he wasn't supposed to be drinking. So,.......yeah, it's been a long hard road. And my daughter, what a sweetheart she is.....she is being very understanding of my pain at the loss of my husband, a man she doesn't even particularly like anymore.
Why do I love this man.....I honestly do not know. Memories of the good days, I guess. Because under the alcohol he is a quiet, polite, loving, kind, honest, hard working man. But under the influence, he is loud, screaming the worst curse words you can imagine, hateful, threatening, sneaky, lying. It truly poisons his soul and spirit, as well as his body. He has been screaming he wants a divorce for years. He dropped by yesterday, (had his wedding ring off, I noticed) but said he was sick with a sinus infection and didn't feel like filling them out, wanted to know if we could wait until he felt better. Makes no difference to me.......they don't have an apartment for me yet anyway. But, regardless, I am going on with my life. I have to. We are going to try to do a dissolution and file the papers ourselves. We are both pretty clear on what we want, all we need to do is write it down and file it. People are still asking why I am still wearing my ring. I just tell them (even tho it is none of their business) that I like it. And I do. It feels weirder without it.
My poor little mom, lives 800+ miles away from me, and ever since I told her, she has called me every. single. day. It is driving me nuts. She is happy about the divorce, and can hardly control herself......she already bought me some little "new home" cards to mail out. I am not to the point of being happy about any of this. It's kind of like having surgery, I guess. You wish you didn't have to have it done. You know it's gonna hurt, before it gets better. You have tried everything you know to NOT have the surgery, but it is necessary for your survival. So, you do it. But it sure doesn't make you happy, at least for the time being. But, I've been told, time heals. I hope that is true.
I left my AH spontaneously on vacation, when he was at the beach. His own beloved father was the one that after 2 days said, "my son doesn't speak to you correctly does he?" I said, "no sir, he doesn't."
His (idealized A father) & step-mother talked to me for 4 days. The conversation came down to me saying, "your son is killing me" and he asked me what I wanted to do. I saw in that moment it was him or me. He told me to pack, shower & his wife whisked me off to the airport & home to mommy I dragged myself. My mother said I looked like a shell of the child she knew.
I was only married 4 years but the last 2 I thought of & talked about suicide regularly. One of the things that kept me going inside was that 'I wasn't going to let a man make me destroy myself' or 'he wasn't worth my life.'
I am happy for you in that you are planning... I ended up losing anything of value up to those 32 yrs I ever cherished (naturally he kept my stuff to punish me).
I am so sorry about Sidney... animals love us unconditionally, become family members & truly are Angels and I believe their spirits hang around & play with us at times, just for a visit.
As ready, resolved & happy I was to literally escape/run away from my ex AH, I would hysterically cry every time I tried to take off my wedding band. I quickly figured out that I could wear it on my right hand ~ not b/c I wished he was dead or being punished but that I felt I tried everything possible to make it work and the more loving, docvile I became the meaner, more horrible & cruel he treated me. I felt like he let me down, like he broke our vows to love, honor & respect each other.
I wore it to give me strength b/c I really wanted my marriage to work - I think I wore it for 3 yrs at least, until I could take it off & not cry. The symbolism meant a lot to me.
I know no one wants to break up & they are devastating for so many reasons, on so many levels. Relationships take so much work & you can't be in a marriage alone.
As I recently have experienced, in our darkest moments is when light comes in. Take care of my friend Becky!!!
love, courage, hope & strength to you... I have your letter & rosary you made me hanging on my kitchen wall for 2 years now, I see it everyday & think of you, I am sending you Reiki right now.
love in recovery, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
