The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am seeking help here. I keep wanting to communicate with my estranged AH. I know that it is a deep seeded WANT and certainly not a need. But it is still there, the desire to communicate with my AH. I remind myself that he doesn't want to talk to me or see me and to respect that. Which I do. But the WANT is still there and I am doing my best to stifle it. I remind myself to just let it go, let it go, let him live his life and me live mine. I am doing fine on my own without communication with him. I guess I am just wishing that we were beyond this point of him trying to punish me for his actions. Then I feel ridiculous for wanting to communicate with him. I do my best to not beat myself up for these feelings because I am human. I am just struggling with this things right now. I pray for strength to allow myself to move forward and I receive it. I just wish that I could past the "want" of the communication. Thank you in advance for your input as always it is greatly appreciated!!! Seeking serenity, Wildthang86
Of course you want to communicate - this is a person you care about, and you probably feel that he doesn't really understand your feelings and motives. You know that this is not really in your best interests, though, so I think you are right to fight it.
So, some things to do about it. One might be to remember how it's worked in the past, when you have tried to communicate with him. Has he understood where you were coming from, or has he used what you told him against you? Do you get the kind of shared understanding that you want, when you talk to him? Another choice might be to do your communicating, but just not with him. Journal, come here, go to your f2f and share everything..... get those thoughts and feelings out, but in a safe place.
Thank you for your input. I have not journaled for awhile and that does allow me to say all of the things I want even if I would NEVER say them to him, no matter what. I appreciate those suggestions and know that I will use them ALL!
When I went no contact with my ex it was so hard. I cried, screamed, I was madder than I had ever been in my life, I was jelous and insecure and paranoid and psyco, I was over him, I moved on, I obsessed about him, I hated him and missed him. I thought of 100 very important things I NEEDED to tell him RIGHT THEN, and then I didn't tell him. I thought of 1000 things I NEEDED him to do for me NOW but I didn't ask. I did all of those things myself and felt very proud of myself. It was hard for awhile. But I kept putting my focus back onto me. I grieved. I denied. I accepted. And I remembered to think about me. Everytime I thoght about him, I stopped myself and thought about me. Even if it was in relation to how badly he treated ME, I was thinking about ME. What do I want to do with my life now that I have the chance? It is hard but it does get easier. And you will start to feel so much better......
You can do it! So many have at this board. I didn't get it at first. My AHsober said that he didn't want to see me, talk to me, and never loved me. Hmmm, was that hard. But my resolve is to let him go. I was told that when someone gives you the gift of goodbye, let them go.
Old habits of wanting to be in the mix are tough as long as we feed into them. I like to ask myself, how that behavior worked for me in the past. More often than not my answer was, "Not so good". Just like any addiction often times we realize we have become as addicted to minding "their" business as they are to their addiction of choice. When I put myself first, my program first, my well being first and realize it's in my best interest to find peace and serenity...it also allows the A to stand on their own feet. I can't keep pulling their rope while they are drowning and hoping they will learn to swim. If they are to find recovery, it must be on their terms with their HP, in God's time, not mine. Thank you for posting. Keep taking care of you. Keep doing the next right thing. You are worth it.
It is worth it to go no contact. But its like the alcoholic giving up booze. They are our alcohol. I had to use every trick in the book (go to movies, spend as much time as possible in meetings, with girlfriends, reading books, going to grad school, taking up a martial art, going to the gym- the list goes on and on). When you feel that burning intense longing, head to the library. Go get a massage. head to a meeting. Pick up a great book and read it. Call anyone but him, meet a friend for coffee. go take a walk. Each moment of each day, it gets easier. Trust me. If I can do it, anyone can. Hugs and best of luck. J.
