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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> struggling with vehicles and boundaries.
Post Info TOPIC: struggling with vehicles and boundaries.
Jen


~*Service Worker*~

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struggling with vehicles and boundaries.
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I'm having trouble today making a decision. My AH has almost 9 months sober. He is doing great. I am doing great. One problem we keep stumbling over is he won't be proactive about taking care of his vehicle. Now this would not be a problem for me if I had a good vehicle of my own, but I don't. I will asap, but the money just isn't there yet. I'm just managing to pay my bills almost on time this month. So the problem at the moment is... His truck is not running well. He is planning work on the brakes and steering on Monday. He will do it himself. But it is having trouble with other stuff that he isn't confident handling himself. We had planned for the kids and I to go with him to work tommorrow and then to a meeting that night. I am afraid that the truck is going to break down and leave us stranded again, and I am getting angry about this. I need to go to my meetings. I need him to get to work so I can pay the bills and get myself a vehicle. But I cannot control him.

I want to tell him that we will not be able to go with him because I am afraid we will be stranded again. I want this to be a boundary for me that I will not accompany him if his vehicle isn't running right. But part of me wants to hope that he will shape up and fix his truck right if I do. So I am struggling with my own intentions. I know that I cannot set a boundary to control him. The intent has to be right or it will not work out right. Se HP knows if our intent is right or not. I know I can set a boundary to control someone and it will not work out, but if I set the very same boundary for the purpose of protecting myself and it will work out fine. It's all in the intent.

So I guess what I'm having trouble with is the letting go of the outcome part. Ugh.


__________________

~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
thinkstoomuch


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I think the key is "I am afraid that the truck is going to break down and leave us stranded again".

If it does, how will you get home?  Can you call a taxi?  Call a friend?  Set that up as your plan B - have taxi money, or set it up with your friend that if truck breaks down you will call.

Then you don't have to think about it anymore, because if it DOES happen, you have a plan for dealing with it.

Oops - does this sound like direct advice? Please take it as a suggestion!

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nmike


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(((((jen)))))

My AHsober is a very intelligent man sometimes. We were switching cars (we are separated). He ran it to empty (too cheap to buy gas) and a part was damaged. I said there is a leak; can you take it in? He said he would get the local "mechanics" to fix it - no big deal. I said do what you want but I am taking it in when we switch cars. It was a major leak in the transmission. He swears that garages just like to screw woman over because they don't know cars. I don't think that he has ever realized that a woman needs to have a car that works and to feel safe driving alone. So we don't switch anymore. I just love the guys at Jiffy Lube - kinda like having a husband that will listen to you.

In support,
Nancy

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Peggy7


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Isn't it wonderful when we realize there really are choices we can make.  Nothing is ever as bleak as when we open our eyes to understand we can say No, thank you.   We can save ourselves tons of time by setting a healthy boundary.  If something hasn't worked for us in the past, via transportation or whatever it may be, we can elect to not go down that same road.  We have the right to elect a safe and healthy option.  I have a lovely little reminder that was given to me years ago by a friend that states, My HP (God) has a plan B.  Feel free to voice your opinion once and move forward by practicing options that make sense.  Thank you for posting.

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Jen


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Thanks to you all.

TTM- Those are great options. Unfortunately, I live waaaay out in the boondockies. It is just not reasonable to ask someone to drive out here, this time of year especially, unless it is an emergency. It would cost a fortune to get a taxi. Plus there are two taxi drivers in town and one is a practicing alcoholic and the other a meth head. LOL How crazy is that?

Nancy- I agree. I am hoping to soon have my own well maintained vehicle so I can just not go with him if his vehicle is not maintained.

Peggy- Remembering I have options is key to keeping my serenity intact. We got stuck before late at noght because he did not fix something he knew was broken. I also knew there was a problem and I went with him anyway. I do not have to do that. I can stay home and work on saving my resources to get my own vehicle.

It kind of sort of worked out though, and I even got to my meeting. Deciding what to do then letting go of it helps.

In recovery,

__________________

~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> struggling with vehicles and boundaries.