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I had an instance with my mother come up earlier this week that I've been kind of putting on the back burner... something I've been kind of wondering about and that sort of thing.
Maybe three weeks ago, when talking with my parents over the phone, my mom mentioned that she'd like to fly out to see me and my AH during my birthday in July. I thought that would be very neat, told her so, and as far as I knew, she was going to start looking into purchasing her tickets to fly out.
As we all know, Mother's Day was a couple of weeks ago. I'd sent her a card before the holiday, hoping it would arrive in time, but it hadn't yet. I still called her, though, to wish her a wonderful day, and let her know to keep an eye out for the card. She sounded happy - was going to go do some stuff with my dad and my brother and have a nice day.
Last Sunday, I got a message from her. I didn't have any time to return it because I was going out on a couple of dives. I didn't get back to her after diving, either, because I am always just WIPED OUT after diving - I'm really quite worthless. I got home from diving, had a late lunch, then zonked out and took a nap for a couple hours. By the time I had awakened, it was much too late for me to be calling her back.
In any case, her message really set me off. I didn't discover HOW much it had set me off until my Monday night ACA meeting.
She said she was just calling to say "hi"... and "oh, I haven't got the card yet..." and then "Also, I wanted to talk to you about my coming out... I just want to make sure you're okay with me coming out. I talk to so many girls who get all nervous when they say their mother's coming out to visit them, and I wasn't sure if you were maybe feeling that way too..."
When I related the message at my Monday meeting, I actually got to feeling really hurt by it. Why does my mom feel she needs that kind of reassurance from me? I thought I was clear when I told her I'd be happy to have her come out. Why is she doing this?
I called my sponsor after the meeting and talked with her about it... and she said "ooh yeah, it sounds like she's got some insecurities happening there with the whole card thing and all that..."
I agreed... but I was still confused by why I felt upset about it. And then it got me to thinking about how I interact with my mom on many occasions and how I get downright angry and irritated with her when she's being insecure.
I remember one time telling myself "I think it's weak!"
I shared that with my sponsor and she hinted that there was perhaps something in there that I was uneasy with.
So that's one of the things I've been kind of chewing on this week... I still have yet to return my mom's phone call. To be honest, I'm still irritated with it. Part of me is not calling her back on purpose to be spiteful... which is just NOT nice of me at all... but another part of me is not calling her back because when I do call her back, I want to say the "right" thing - I just don't have a clue what that is! Yet another part of me also doesn't want to fall into this whole role-playing thing with my mom where she is constantly seeking reassurance from me and I'm constantly placating her.
My sponsor kept coaching me and telling me to think of the Golden Rule - how would I want to be treated in this situation? With love or with a heavy hand?
So... while I'm now finally giving some serious thought to the matter, I think I'm going to give her a call soon. I will apologize to her for taking so long to return her call, but I may actually be honest with her and let her know I was struggling with returning the call because it brought up a lot of emotions in me.
Crap... I don't think that's the right thing to do, either... it's just throwing my problems into her lap.
Ugh. Nope... I still don't know what to say. And I probably won't know exactly what to say until I hear her answering the phone.
But back to the resentment thing... I want to learn where my resentments are coming from. Why do I get so mad at my mom for being insecure? Is it because I expect her to be strong and know everything? Is it because I recognize my own learned actions in her behaviors and I hate it because I hate those insecurities in myself? Is it because I wasn't convincing enough to her that she'd be welcome to come visit? Was it something I did?
Oooh!! I can tell right now those insecure insinuations my mom makes brings out one feeling in me: Guilt!
Like with the Mother's Day card thing... I really do feel bad that she didn't get it in time for the holiday... and it appears to still not have made it out to her yet (dang mail between Hawaii and the mainland can take FOREVER sometimes). But the guilty thing is that she didn't get it in time for her special day and now she must feel rejected or forgotten by me, or that I'm ungrateful or something...
And on top of it, I did not send a gift with the card this time. I told my parents I have a special combination mothers/father's day gift I want to send both of them, but it's not going to arrive until later.
UGH! All these stupid obligating holidays! "if you don't get a gift from people on these certain days, it means you're a nobody!" (so the commercial world would have you believe).
Sooo many things stirring through my mind tonight.
All I know is I need to call my mom sooner than later. I don't want to be hostile to her, though.
I can tell you how I feel.Being a good,there mom, I died inside when my kids cut the cord.
Asked them when are you coming home until they turned thirty.
Aloha, I need them to contact me. Nothing is more important.Need the reassurance that they love me and want to share a bit of their life with me.
Nothing is music to my ears than listening to my "kids" talk.
My son told me where he was going until about a year ago.I mean where they were fishing, diving or hiking.
I feel getting older,am I not needed anymore, am I a burden because I want to hear from them and love them more than my own life?
I would invite you to sort of ignore her question. Keep it light.Call and say,"Hi mom, I have been so busy and pooped out, kept thinking I "wanted" to call and yak with you."
Maybe say you cannot wait to see her and have a visit. Acting like of course you love,enjoy,and want her around.
I know Aloha, when I don't hear from my kids, I feel so horribly lonely, unwanted, not needed, and now just being closer to death.Which in my belief is not bad really.
If I don't hear from then, I think,was I a bad mother? What did I do wrong. what did I leave out?
Is it they are grown up, taught them so well their lives are full, or is it they got older wiser and they see I am vulinerable and they cannot handle that.
I saw or called my Mother every sunday and more.We did everything together. Hiked,picked fruit,garage sales,dog shows,brought home my first potted pig together.
So when my kids don't contact me or make me part of their life,I feel so left out.
I don't run their lives ever, don't say do this or that, or say you should,don't manipulate and put guilt trips on them.
So I look at it lovingly the best I can. I know I was a good mom,I know both are super busy at careers they love,both have their own family, both so darn strong.
so honey it does not matter why, she only wants some reasurrance that she is still needed and wanted by you.
I love it when my daughter raini calls and asks for a recipe or asks was my dad a good worker?
I love it when my son calls and asks what to do for his dog losing its hair.Or how do I get him to come when called?
Honey,I say this ever so gently, life is short, we never know when we will lose someone.Moms are very precious.
You are a good daughter, a good person. Just like you must like it when she is proud of you,she needs you to be proud and thankful about her,and voice that.
hugs,hugs,debilyn mother of rainilyn spring and Mackenzie Dean
Ps my dear passed on mother used to say, you kids are all that matters to me.You and all my grand kids coming to visit is better than any gift.
Aloha - one thing stuck out in your post - it was what your sponsor told you. How would you want to be treated in this situation? With love or a heavy hand? I understand BOTH sides of this one. Right now I'm going through an incredibly difficult "stand-off" with my father who lives out of state. He wants me in his life MUCH more than I have time for, want to, or I think is "necessary". What's putting me off is that he NEVER had the time of day for me while I was growing up, and suddenly he wants me at his beck and call - and I've become the bad guy for keeping some distance. At the same time, my son is making noises about wanting to move to another state to be with his girlfriend. My heart breaks a little every time I think about it. I get REAL concious about not placing guilt or expectations on him. I don't want to drive any wedges between us.
So is your mom being insecure? Perhaps. Is this something new? Does she have reason to feel insecure? I think things in our personalities become exaggerated as we get older. So if she was a little insecure (ie "weak") when you were younger - then it's probably just showing up a bit more. Does she feel like she's losing you? And CERTAINLY not to step on toes - just a question - did you mail that card in plenty enough time to allow for the slow mail? I find when things like that come up, that sometimes I'm a bit passive-aggressive with actions. That's just me - and if it's not you - please pardon me. I just know that you expressed some resentment at the whole "stupid obligating holidays". Right there with ya, girl.
I think you're doing an excellent job at digging, digging, digging into where your feelings are coming from on this issue. But if the bottom line is that your mom feels slighted (justifiably or not), then how do you want to deal with her? With love or a heavy hand?
Sounds like you're doing "due diligence" in doing the right thing for both of you in this situation.
I hate the commercialism that does leave one feeling...if you didn't get a card, you're not worth it! Horrible!
As one grows older, one's life becomes more empty as children grow up and grow away and learn to live without you. As one grows older, one's life becomes more empty as people pass on and you end up nearer to the top of that ladder that comes with age...suddenly YOU are the senior member of the family and there is no one for you to turn to.
So, what does one do, one turns to the younger generations and that is when Grannies come into their own. Everyone loves having a Granny that they can talk to and say, "Granny when you were young, did you ever blah blah blah...." and so it goes round.
I have to tell myself that I am slowing down whilst the younger generations lives are gathering speed and fullness and no news is not necessarily a signal to start thinking that I am not being thought of, or unloved, or not cared about...it simply means, most of the time, that they are getting on with their lives and I end up asking the same questions as your mother does too.
Will I be in the way, do you want me to come over or is it me that wants to see you more than you really want to see me? Stupid, stupid as it sounds when your mother says it to you, when you start saying it to your children, then you realise it is NOT STUPID it is a nagging feeling of beginning to feel empty, or not needed or purposeless or some such negative seed of waste and reminds one one is getting older; and as one gets older one becomes more vulnerable again; we need reassurance of being needed, of being loved, of not being in the way or a nausance.
Go gently, is what I would say, it comes to all in the end and I would much rather go with a gentle hand than be angry and unforgiving and judgmental.
Anyway, that's my thoughts...and they are only my thoughts as I experience this dilemma in my own life.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 15:39, 2008-05-23
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Isn't it amazing that with the closest relationships sometimes that they are the most difficult? Shouldn't we just be able to say hi mom, bye mom, oops I forgot, and just know that we are wanted? You don't say how old you are. I am 58 and have always had a fairly crappy relationship with my mom. She always has an agenda. Always puts her insecuries out there for her kids to take care of. I can't do it any more. Makes me feel like crap. I called her the day before Mother's Day so I wouldn't forget and be in the dog house. I told her that I called early because the phone lines would be so busy on Sunday. I have gathered my sibs to special things for her but under there somewhere it feels like it is expected of us.
Like Debilyn says, with my own three grown sons it is different. I love them so much. They are my favorite people to be with and do things with. They don't live close (one lives in Hawaii and forbide me to come visit - go figure). I try to give them their space. I told them not to worry about Mother's Day and really what I was trying to say was don't feel guilty about Mother's Day and worry about doing it right.
With my mother, in order to feel good inside (for me) I have to put up walls to not have to deal with her insecurities and demands and have a say about my life.
very interesting Aloha. I had a couple of different (conflicting) reactions as I read your post.
The first was, when my mom does this it drives me up a WALL, and I think it's because to me it comes across as totally manipulative.
And then I thought - what if saying she knows some women get all uptight when their mothers are coming to visit is her way of trying to reach out and be honest with you?
In that case, maybe a good response would be something like "yeah mom, I know women like that too, but I've really been practicing saying what I mean, so I want you to know that when I say I'd love for you to visit, that's exactly what I mean."
The whole mom thing often looks quite different to me when I look at it with an Alanon perspective - like when I hear someone share something and think, what if that was where my own mom was coming from? - part of me is like, oh, I can kinda almost understand that, and part of me is still no way! Her action was totally out of line!
Maybe this is another strand in your recovery tapestry.
Thank you everyone for your ESH. I called her Friday afternoon and the conversation went so smooth it was like nothing ever happened. Didn't tell her the her message upset me, but DID remind her that when she first mentioned coming out that I had had indeed told her I would be happy to have her come visit.
That was it. Conversation immediately moved forward to other things going on.
I am a very conscientious person when it comes to sending cards and stuff for certain occasions - I sent it a week before the holiday knowing 99% of the time, my mail makes it out just fine. I think this particular card ended up on the "scenic barge tour of the Pacific", unfortunately. It's happened with things I've had family send to me, too. No control over it. It just happens sometimes.
I know I still have a lot of deep things I need to address where my relationship with my mom is concerned.
I was thinking one day about how she and I never were the chummy types who went out and got manicures and facials and that sort of thing together... but then I DID remember the things we DID share enjoyment in, and that was a lot of going shopping for art and craft kind of stuff, because we're both very creative people. So we did indeed share special stuff together, it just wasn't your typical run of the mill "girly" things that we did together.
I hear often other women talking about how their moms are their best friends. Nope. Not here. There is just a dynamic there where we're just not best friends. That's not some horrible thing, either. She is a friend to me, AND she is my mom - a very great mom whom I love despite the feelings that trigger in me with some of the things she says sometimes.
I know I'm not an ungrateful daughter, either. I think, especially in an alcoholic family, that it's just par for the course for ACA's to get irritated with their parents at times. In the grand scheme of things, I got off pretty lucky with my parents. They were never abusive towards us, laid down clear boundaries for the most part, and overall did the very best they could. Above all, I am grateful to the core of my being that they cleaned up their act when my brother and I were still very very young so we didn't go through our entire adolescence and teenage years with active addicts. I have told both of them that many times.
This week was just another one of "those" weeks, I think, where my own illness decided to latch onto something and turn it into needless drama.
My mother has been dead for 5/6 years now and no I am not going to say I wish I still had her. I still have stuff to work on that comes up from time to time about her. I think as she got older it got more difficult. For me it wasn't just that she wasn't a mother when I was a child, she wasn't a mother for me as an adult either. I do know for me for sure from my vantage point people are never what they portray. The A had a very very very difficult relationship with his mother. I am so relieved to be away from that. I set limits and kept them but nevertheless their difficult relationship affected me. I set even more limits and that helped. In the end I gave up on her and that was a huge relief.
Some of us do not get the "hallmark" mothers and I would not even say my mother did the best she could. She knew she needed help and was offered it all throughout her life and she eschewed it.
I do know that one can come to terms with a lot. I also really only take advice/direction from someone who has had a dysfunctional mother. The do the best you can stuff does not apply for my family of origin, boundaries do. Protecting myself is so key.
I no longer ask "why" about my mother's behavior in the past or my sister's behavior in the present, I just deal with what is. There is a "why" in there but I can get lost in the "why" and not protect myself.
