The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, So I havent posted in a couple days and I am fairley new here.I have been leaning on this site for support and venting and it was working for alittle bit but I have slipped up big time and now I feel like there is absolutley no hope for my AH. I know this but why am i letting this happen? Why did I do this again. why did i let my AH back into the house, have my car (after he totalled his truck in a DUI on march 7th) lay at home all day and drink while I go to work and take care of our daughter. I was doing okay while he was in Rehab. I was a total mess but at the same time I was focused about getting thru it and getting better for myself and my daughetr.
In such a short time I allowed myself to lose my focus and fall back into the pattern again. I know its not gonna get any better. I know he is not capable of the fight to control his disease. He is just not strong enough. I tell him all the time to grow a set of balls and use them. He doesn't have it in him.He is still a child a 15 y.o. little boy (that is when he started using.)
I slipped because it was easier to give in then fight. But, if I know all this why don't i Just fight harder. I don't think I have any fight left. How come I can read all these posts and have suggestions for everyone but I can not follow my own suggestions.
So, Maybe I haven't come to that point in my life yet where I am ready for Change? Or is this a bad habit that I just need to break. What is the deal? If i know that nothing is gonna change w/ him. Heis not going to be a better Dad or husband. so why am I exposing my daughter to all this pain and emotional damage her dad had caused me and her. Do I want her to become an addict or a wife of an alcoholic like me.NO! I want better for her.
I do not want my child to feel anymore pain or cry another time beacuse of this jerk. I dont know how i really feel about him I know i love him. I think I love him I don't know all I know is my life is horrible right now ANd i don't know if I can fight anymore. I am just really tired...
I can't tell you how many times I sat here and posted things I've learned from meetings and the literature and even here, only to have it all just fall out of my brain when confronted by my AH in the worst of his disease.
It's all baby steps. You've likely learned your behaviors and reactions to things since a child - you have years and years and years of applying these behaviors and reactions in your life, and now you're trying to change them. You didn't learn your behaviors and actions overnight, so you're not going to un-learn, or change them, overnight.
So, go easy on yourself. You're not perfect (sorry to break that to you - I didn't like having to admit I'm not perfect, either). You DO have a brain, you DO have a heart, and you DO have courage. You ARE ready for Change. If you weren't you would never have even considered joining Al-Anon in the first place.
This is not a black and white program where after absorbing the literature and all the shares in meetings and posts on the message board that you're suddenly "fixed" and you will always be able to put your foot down and maintain your serenity come hell or high water.
Nope - doesn't work that way. We all stumble and fall and have many a forehead-slap moment in our interactions with our qualifiers.
How about you give yourself a big pat on the back for even being here. For simply recognizing the disease and how it is effecting you. You must remember a time when you were miserable and defeated and had no idea why. Well, today you see exactly what is going on. Sometimes we do not give ourselves enough credit for just being out of denile. Awareness IS a big deal. Then comes acceptence the comes action. It is a process and you have just begun. If you keep comming, reading, listneing and talking it will become clearer. F2F meetings are very important also.
For me, once I began to understand what was wrong, I wanted it to be right immediatly. That is where the acceptence helped.
You have a brain, a heart and tons of courage. Do you know how many people I know who just live with the insanity and chaos (and make their kids live with it too) and REFUSE to see what damage is being done. They REFUSE to live in reality even though by doing so they are hurting themselves and thier kids. Those are people who have no courage. They have no heart and their brain is obviously wired wrong. I am thinking of my FOO(Family of origin).
You are going to be just fine. It took me many times of leaving and going back before I had enough strength and clairity to stay gone, to stay detached in the face of the disease. Just keep comming back.
Yes, for even being here is great. It is hard to unlearn all the patterns we know, because they were the only ways of coping so I feel desperate when I have to relinquish control of these tools. Easy does it.
Jeannine, My AH was arrested a few weeks ago for domestic violence. I continued to accept the emotional, verbal and physical abuse, as well as all of the drinking (including times when he was in charge of our 6-year-old son), swearing, and damage to possessions. It was only when our son witnessed a physical attack that I realized the impact to him. I am sure everything else he witnessed (daddy angry/threatening, mommy crying/hurt) had an effect, but to see his eyes and to hear him say "hit me not mommy" was the end.
Don't feel bad that you have allowed things to happen, or that you've let him back in. Just look forward and realize the impact on you and your daughter. I may be overwhelmed right now with trying to balance my son, work, and the household duties, but we are at peace; I don't have to worry about what I'll walk into, or how the AH will react to things.
Look into your daughter's eyes and realize she's worth making a tough but necessary decision. Good luck.
I completely understand where you are coming from and where you are now. I am battling those demons myself right now. I had my AH removed from our home and now he is living at his mother's house, where she waits on him, as if he were a child and you know what he is her child. I however would never take care of my 39 year old son like he was 2. But that is me and she is herself. I don't want to live in denial anymore so I go with what my AH wants which is limited communication, which I try to fight running to him for the usual things I used to, like taking my car for an oil change, haven't done that in many years. It's not that I can't do it but he always handle it. He is supposed to be paying the bills for the house I am in, his former home, I know he hasn't done that yet and I am doing my best to not contact him and nag about getting it done. It is scarey to think that he is in charge of doing that and maybe he will and maybe he won't and since I have to live here I also have to believe that my HP will step in and help me through this. I have wanted to confront him about many issues now that he is not here and I feel safe to say them but I fight that too. I try to weigh out the benefits of the the communication against the real "need". Most of the time I don't even communicate with him. I come here and post, vent, go to a meeting or clean house or read. I am by no means perfect and I am still learning and still scared of going backwards but I remind myself that I am human. I can get back to my tools and use them where ever I end up. They are mine. You have them to, use them, you haven't forgotten what you have learned here you are caught up in the whirlwind of life. You are ok and you will get back on the path you are meant to be on. We love you here and keep coming back, this is one of your tools!!!!!!!
