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The past four years I have been dating an A. The first two years he was abusive and I finally left him. A year later he came back in my life and was sober (but not through counseling or AA). We had a wonderful summer last year, and were able to rebuild our relationship. He made so many amends and we were so happy. Last fall he started drinking again and things got really bad so I tried to distance myself. We started fighting again all the time and he blamed all our problems on me. We kept trying to work things out for months. I would not be around him if he was drinking, even one beer, and at first he was okay with that but then he started getting mad, telling me I was trying to control him. But sometimes he would admit he had a problem while other times he said that alcohol was not the problem in our relationship, instead I was the problem. I stressed him out and made him want to drink.
He took me on a romantic weekend for Valentine's Day and I got pregnant. When I found out a few weeks later and told him, he was really nervous and scared (so was I!) but we are both 34 and own our own businesses and are successful with insurance and I told him I was going to keep the baby. He tried to talk me out of it and when he couldn't he told me that he was planning on breaking up with me before I found out I was pregnant and he was no longer in love with me.
He has put me through the ringer over the past months, changing his mind about whether or not he will stay with me or support me or even if he loves me or not, and a few weeks ago a friend gave me "Co-Dependent No More" and I started seeing a counselor because it was becoming emotionally unbearable for me. He started blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong between us even going back three or four years in our relationship when he used to abuse me. Although he was now not drinking as much or being physically abusive, he was still being cruel to me. I could not have an opinion, I did not have good style, my business was not successful, I was a stress case, etc. The next time he had an episode where he was mean to me until he got a beer then mean to me after he got his beer, then told me again how he did not love me, I told him not to call me any more, and he didn't, not even on Mother's Day.
I worked to build my own life and have tried to move on since then but I was weak this week, though, and had to take his stuff to his house and try to get my stuff back from him. He and I had to talk and it was hard. He was confused as to why I had broken up with him and said he had never told me that he did not love me, I must have imagined it. He said I must have misunderstood him, and that he only drank when he was stressed because I stressed him out, and it was my job to make sure he was not stressed so he wouldn't have to drink. But the thing is these weeks I have been alone, I have not been stressed at all! He also told me that he knew he was self-absorbed right now but it was because it was for me and the baby's sake so he could support us, although I have told him so many times that I will not need his financial support when the baby is born at all. He also said I was unreasonable saying he could have nothing to do with me or the baby. I simply smiled, told him I would rather not argue and left his house.
When I left his house, I actually laughed and laughed because I could see how far off he was. I KNEW how many times he had told me he did not love me and I KNEW I was not responsible for how he dealt with stress in his life. Instead of crumpling up in a ball and crying, I could actually see that he was delusional, and that he cared only for his own perception of himself and nothing for the reality of the situation. It was so hard to see with a man who was once so self-aware!
So now he wants to meet with me this weekend and "talk" but I don't know if I can handle another interaction. I wish there was an alanon meeting nearby for support but I live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and there are no meetings here. I would appreciate any insight anyone may have. Being four months pregnant now, I sometimes feel like I should cut this A out of my life forever but sometimes I still want to hear him out, and even let him know his child.
Other times I do not even want to put his name on the birth cert. I grew up with a functioning A dad who has never been through recovery and I am so scared to put my child through the same pain. My A boyfriend has already told all his friends and family that I am crazy and think he is an A and when he is around them he limits his alcohol consumption to prove he is not, but when he is alone he will get wasted at home and go to the casinos in secret, and if he does not drink he takes it out on me in the worst ways.
I have been doing good for two weeks and I want to stay healthy but I think I need some support. Please post all helpful comments if you are able, and point me towards resources if possible. Thank you so much and blessings to you all.
This sounds lik the relationship I had witht he A I lived with for 7 years. Up and down and all consuming. For me the issue became somehow the A loved chaos.
He lived slept and breathed it. If there was no chaos he needed to manufacture it.
You are in the right place. You don't need to meet anyone if you are not up to it. Can you postpone the meeting. You are "sick" after all with morning sickness arent' you?
Detachment is a really fine art. I know for me its taken a long long time to get aware of how to do it when to do it and how to practice it. Practice helps. A meditation teacher I have had, Steven Levine talks about not rushing to lift the 300 lb weight, for you it seems like dealing with the A is a 300 lb weight right now (well that's the norm for most of us) so find a way to interact with him that isnt so pressing. Of course that's difficult because everything but everything with an A is pressing, its always an emergency if its to do with them isn't it. So in al anon we find ways to not make it an emergency. We do book ends when we meet with them, come here or go to a virtual meeting and talk about it, then when it ends (and there are limits to how long you should meet with an A) then come back and talk about it. Build support, stop the isolation. That takes a while. Keep posting, keep reading and be kind to yourself.
Ur story sounds so familer to many of us . I too am unable to get to f2f meeting beacuse of my daughter. My daughter turned 5 today and I am fed up with all my ah drama. I absolutley do not want my daughter to grow up around an alcoholic. It scares the crap out of me. Only you can make this decision of what to do. Keep coming on here venting, reading posts. It does help. I like knowing that that there is light and the end of the tunnel I myself have not seen the light but just knowing its there helps alot. The people on here are so caring and full of wisdom and courage. u will def find this site helpful. I wish u and ur little bun in the oven all the best. keep posting !
There are meetings in the chatroom you may want to check out.
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
9 AM EST Mon-Fri 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun 7 PM EST Sunday
To help you answer some questions in your head, what would you say to a dear friend in your situation? What would you want for her? Give yourself and the wee one the same love you'd offer someone else.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think Maresie hit the nail on the head. Detachment. There are many definitions for detachment, and many ways it will improve life. One definition goes something like this. I will allow my A the diginity to make his own life choices, good or bad, with no interfrence from me. Remember, you need to take care of you. ( In al-Anon you will learn that is not selfish ) You said for two weeks you had been doing good. I think detachment has already been working for you, and that is great. If you are interested in reading more on detachment, type in the word under search at the top of this page. I just did and, there have been 69 posts on that subject. I'm sure if you read some of them, and the reponses to the post from members of MIP, and Al-Anon you will find some help. Glad you are here, and please keep coming back. We are here for you, you've found a new family who cares, and wants only the best for you ,and the little one that is on the way. RLC
Thank you all for the support and suggestions, and the congratulations! Sometimes it has been hard to find joy in this pregnancy. I definitely feel like I am moving forward with my life now. My A ex-boyfriend called yesterday and wanted to meet and talk and I said no, and then he accused me of giving him an ultimatum: either be with me in a relationship or you never get to see your child (I swear he is so deluded!) and I said no, I am protecting my child from you until you get/seek some professional help for your anger management and substance abuse problems.
I told him that I was not perfect either, and that I was going to counseling to help me sort out my own life before the baby was born, and it did not mean I was a horrible person not worthy of being a mother, it just meant I was willing to look at myself honestly in order to become a good mother. I told him the thought of him getting angry and hurting our child, or getting drunk and hurting our child was too much of a threat for me, and until I knew he was in counseling (not with me or to heal any relationship with me but for HIM and ALONE) I was not interested in having any further conversations with him about anything. Then, suprisingly, he agreed! He said he knew he could be evil and manipulative, and knew that alcohol (or lack of) fueled this, but he had been thinking for weeks about his child, and really wanted to have a relationship with them and knew he would have to change to do so. Fine, I said, now go get help.
He agreed he needs to take time to work on himself and I need distance from him right now in order to have a healthy and happy pregnancy. He also admitted that he felt he was at the crossroads: he had been living such a dark life for so long and he wanted so badly to be on a better path. I have seen him improve before, and then fall again so I think in this case I will detach from our relationship and wish him luck as a friend. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SAYING THIS! Just weeks ago, I thought I could never let him go, and thought he would destroy himself without me. It turns out he needs to lose me, and maybe even lose the potential for a relationship with his child to realize what alcohol has done to his life. I would rather him feel the need to help himself rather than constantly looking at the mirror of me to gauge his health, happiness, etc.
I do love this man very, very much and one day I hope I can be friends with him, but right now he needs to do soul searching on his own...I read something on another post..."Get off his back, get out of his way and get on with your life." And this is really what I am doing. I will continue to visit these boards and the alanon online meetings for support because I know some days will be tougher than others, but over a week of reading the posts here and finally sharing my story I know I am not alone, and I am so thankful for this community and the incredible support I have found here.
hi lwm How is your preg going?? I am in the same boat as you, little boy is due in October, am still living with my a h, but have also done some soul searching. I know that the right thing will be to move myself and baby away from this environment, but is hard to actually go through.
Have resolved to stay home, until baby is here safely, I need some stability in the last few months, but once he is here, I want out.
