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Well I have had several post on MIP, over the last month or so, but never a topic. I will give you a little backgroung. My active AW does not work (last 5 yrs) for the reason most of you here can guess. That is not a problem. She goes to at least 6 to 8 AA meetings a week ( last 3 yrs). I know she tries. But she stills drinks 10 to 12 beers a day. She drinks during the day, and usually by the time I get home around 5:30 P.M. she is somewhat O.K. Sometimes not. She does not drink a beer in front of me, even though she knows I know. I have never said one word to her about her drinking. We have talked about it several times when she brought it up. I know now from Al-Anon (2yrs) that this was the only thing I did do right. Yes, she does drink at night, but will find an excuse to walk into another room and have a quick one. The cans pile up in the downstairs carport in big black garbage bags ( 9 as we speek, yes, I count them, sometimes). So she is drinking in plain site, but not in front of me. I have got over the problem of feeling like I am enabling her, because I give her money a couple of times a week for smokes, and gas,but I know where an additional $75 to $100 of the money goes. I realize I have no control over her, or what she does with the money. But,I do have a problem with her drinking and driving. If you drink all during the day every day, and you drive to meetings, go shopping etc., then every time you drive you have been drinking. I could drink one beer a drive from here to the end of the block, and would be pulled over. Not the case with her. She has been extremely lucky. Again,yes, I do have a big problem with her drinking and driving. I could list all the reasons, but we all know what they are. I have mentioned to her several times over the years, but to know avail, she contines. I turned it over to my HP, but from time to time I take it back from HIM, and I know that is wrong. I accept that she is an A, I believe step one. But, gosh, would I feel like it was somewhat my fault if something bad did happen while she was behind the wheel. What can or should I do about it, if anything? And, even though I think I know the answer to my question, I would very much appreciate your feed back. I Know Jerry F mentioned a few days back to just snip the wires with some wire snips, but it seems with this one, either the snips I have are to small, or the wires are to big. Thanks, RLC
the car issue was huge for me and was never resolved. The A who I was with ended up destroying 2 brand new cars in 5 years. He got much much much much worse. The stuff in plain sight issue is really hard because it really is difficult to ignore. Some of what I am learning about detachment is that it is not about not saying anything it is about saying only what you mean. If you are angry about the drinking and mean it then it is different. If you had a plan b that might help. I have stopped letting alcoholics walk all over me or hide from them. Detachment is hard to grasp because its multi dimensional and it builds on each thing. When you get accomplished at not letting the A take everything you become able to set limits. When you get good at boundaries it gets easier not to be manipulated.
For me it was about control and dependency I was dependent on the A emotionally. I transferred that dependency to this group, it is the one place I can always come for solace. This group has never let me down ever. I can come here and post and I am always received well.
Keep working on the boundaries. I don't think there is a "right" when you are dealing with an A. The 3 C's are so so so so key.
Thinking we can control them and their drinking and/or driving is where you would find the guilt if something happens. Step 1 says very clearly we are powerless. I have heard many stories on this site and others that we al-anons have taken keys sold cars etc, and they still find a way to drive.
I think it all comes back to boundaries. For some reason if we do things with the intent of taking care of us and not controling them things seem to work out. Looking at you and what you are willing to put up with, you have a few options. You cannot stop her from driving, but you may be able to limit YOUR liability in the situation by getting rid of her car. You could stop giving her money to buy alcohol. Yes she will find the money some other way, but you would not be enabling her. You could separate your finances from hers. You said she does not work, but I am guessing it is because she won't, not because she can't. She could find a part time job to pay for her own bad choices.
Of course she will attempt to make it hard on you. That is just what they do, usually in an attempt to regain the status quo. But, what do you have to lose? If nothing changes, nothing changes. And Maresie is right, expressing your feelings is different from nagging. Remember the intent must be for your benefit, not to control them. When I finally quit taking in all my AH's lies, I just calmly told him I didn't believe what he was saying and I felt I could not trust him. No arguement, no fuss, and NO expectations of a reaction. The intent was to express how I felt and what I believe, as a fact.
Remember these are just suggestions. They may not be right for you. You are not out of options. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When AH was home and sloshed, I just took that little wire off the distributor.but cars are so different now.
Does no good to call the police as the outcome is not in your control anyhow.
Yes women get stopped much less.
For me I did NOTHING for him. Refused to enable in anyway.Even stopped washing his cloths. He was not working, he was not going to parasite off me. If I wanted a parasite, I want to choose it.
Like go rescue an abused neglected horse who really needs help.
Stopped giving him money,if he wanted cig or whatever, he can find a way himself.Not my job.
If you have not read it, this book is vital for me."Getting Them Sober" By Toby Rice Drews.
It will really show you your situation, it really shows what enabling means.
Not only will she hurt someone else, you can lose your home, your livlihood,everything.
In my present experience, I can tell you it is veryvery hard going.
If we baby them, they are sick, so all we do is make them all comfy,they don't have to work,they get money to get what they want,they drive free all over.
HEY can I move into your house?
It is not good for anyone to enable an A.They need to feel that feeling of desperating to get waaaay down in that pit, and finally find the option is to crawl out.
rehab, AA 90 meetings in 90 days. They have to do it on their own,find their own rides, sign up in rehab themselves.
I know she is your wife,we want to nuture our loved ones,but when we do this to an A they are dieing slowly.
Did you say at one time that she even had an AA sponsor. She goes to many meetings over the past 3 years and still drinks that much daily. That much alcohol in a woman physique is very very harmful and it would be hard to believe that she would not appear drunk at some point in the drinking process. Does she drink before meetings or after meetings? 10 to 12 ounces daily of alcohol tears a body, mind, spirit and emotions up. When you say when you get home she is somewhat okay what does that mean if you described it clearly.
We had a man locally who would drink before meetings and come to the meeting outwardly under the influence. There was no way he could get much from what was being done or said and it was sad that no one had the courage to ask him for a simple protocol that would benefit him tremendously cause it was obvious that he was there for the reason we exist..."to get and stay sober". The first morning that I met him and after the meeting closed I went up to give him a hug and welcome him to that morning meeting (8AM and he was very affected) and I smelled the alcohol all over him. After I gave him a hug I gave him a suggestion that I stated would work better if he desired what we had. "I have a suggestion for you. Don't drink before you come to a meeting. Come dry and then after the meeting if you feel you need to drink do it then." All it was was a suggestion. He has never come to a meeting under the influence since and he comes almost daily. He is excited about not drinking and being sober...just a simple suggestion that often results in what I know as miracles. It is not you job to tell your wife's AA compadres to do that for her. If she has a sponsor you could talk with that sponsor to get information about the disease and how it affects you and I would talk to my wife about it first. Going to meetings and drinking is not working "the" program. It dilutes the reality of Step one to zero.
We spoke in another post (someone elses...can't remember just now who's) about what to do when you know that your spouse is under the influence and at the wheel of a vehicle. When the fear of being honest and caring is gone the solution (one of them) becomes call the local police thru 911 and alert them of the situation. That's helpful to all involved...the alcoholic, the family and the community. The other justifications are just that "other justifications" for doing the right thing. I understand today the justifications of not doing it and I use to practice that...fear of; the alcoholic being angry, I might be wrong she might not be "that" drunk, What will others that disagree and are as fearful as I "think of me", What if, what if, what it...? Then I revolved into the only right awareness for me...There are lots of reasons for me to "not" do it and only one reason to "do the next right thing". I started doing the next right thing...all the time every time as often as it arrived. The fear dissappeared. Funny thing that happened in the process was that I went to work as a dispatcher for the state highway patrol while going to college and one night as fate or God would have it, I took a call from a highway unit on a DUI stop. They had made a stop on my alcoholic wife and when I pulled up the infor- mation for the officer all I had to say to him was, "The subject is known to me." The unit did the right thing, took her out of her vehicle, got her home, and other right things and then quietly came into to clarify that what I knew to be true would collaborate their work. It worked for the alcoholic, the highway patrol, the community and for the family and me.
Do the right thing. Continue doing the right thing. Become known as a man who will do the right thing and make right suggestions as a part of your personality. This is called "practicing" the program. As you do this on a daily basis (working all of the program) there will be no mixed messages given out to the alcoholic or anyone else. Everyone will know what it is that you will do and the amount of enabling what you don't desire to happen will dwindle. It isn't always easy and that is where the fun of recovery comes from.
Keep coming back and practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs)))))
